Cactus Beating

A while back I read in the Sheboygan Press of a female roommate being attacked by her male roommate with a cactus. I admit I found this rather humorous, but also disturbing since apparently the cactus inflicted quite a bit of damage on the woman. Today I read an editorial in the paper that made me laugh out loud…

“I am appalled over a recent Sheboygan incident in which a man attacked his roommate with a cactus. It is with this in mind that I propose our legislators enact a concealed cactus law. Such a law would help prevent future crimes of this nature by allowing anyone with proper training to carry a concealed cactus on their person. We should have the constitutional right to defend ourselves against cactus-carrying criminals at all times. It would certainly have the makings of a succulent debate between the various political parties. For instance, would a person be allowed to carry a cactus into a school? Would there be a limit on the number of cacti a person could carry at one time? Will Christmas cactus be exempt? All of these thorny issues could cause the lawmakers to be stuck in their chambers for quite some time. They will be subject to strong lobbying from garden clubs who will try to put them over a barrel. Of course, some of the legislators will turn out to be spineless and vote against the concealed-cactus law. However, in the end common sense will prevail and I'm confident the majority will vote yes for passage, allowing us the freedom to walk the streets without fear of attack. Maybe we can bundle this together with a voter ID bill. Now that would be a prickly pair. I can only hope the governor does not veto it.”

Knowing all the hullabaloo that’s been going on lately with the concealed weapon issue, this clever bit of commentary was a riot.