Friday, June 24, 2005

More Ponderances

Lately I’ve been thinking about how perceptions and attitudes about things change depending on what is going on in your life, or, probably more importantly, who is in your life. I apologize if this gets out of hand and I end up spouting all kinds of philosophical bullshit for a bit, but I’ve just been thinking about this lately and I felt like typing it all out here. And this is my blog so therefore I can do whatever I want. Heh.

Case in point: I’m sure any of you who have known me for the past few years were aware of my pessimistic view of, well, everything. I had given up on finding a decent guy and having a normal relationship. I had grown resigned to the “relationships of convenience” that seemed to find me on a regular basis. When I met John, I gave up on my idealistic “I’m going to marry a white boy between the ages of 21 and 25” since John is obviously neither white nor in that age category. With the abandonment of the regular, normal relationship came the abandonment of marriage and, subsequently, children. I decided I was content with what I could get. I actually was able to convince myself that I didn’t want to find someone who I could love and who I could be with forever. I believed that children hated me and I hated them too. It’s amazing how your brain is able to take things like that and make you believe that’s really the truth.

Then things changed.

When I met Adam (for the second time), I was almost instantly hit by the feelings that I had when I was around him or talking to him. Trust me, I tried to ignore them, rationalizing them away as a misinterpretation of a friendship. I mean, I was so messed up by that point, who was to say I wasn’t just making these feelings up? The problem was they weren’t going away. Every time he’d come over and we’d do things together I would still get them. Every time the phone would ring and it was him (and let’s face it, not many other people call me), I’d get a fluttery feeling in my stomach. Since the first conversation, there hasn’t been a single day that he hasn’t called me at least once. That’s a lot of fluttery feelings. I don’t know why I waited so long to accept the fact that they weren’t going away. Ok, yes I do. It was because I dreaded the rejection that I was so sure was bound to come. I was positive I was just being psychotic and letting myself get attached to another guy who would just mess with me and then fall off the face of the earth with no warning. Fortunately I allowed myself to leak things out on this blog and things worked out.

But now other things have been happening. Over the past few weeks we’ve had quite a few odd situations. The first one occurred in Copps. We were over in the dairy section where I was picking out some yogurt. I wanted the whipped stuff while he told me I should get the regular stuff because it was on sale. A lady nearby told him that he shouldn’t argue with his wife. Let her get what she wants. That’s rule # 1 of marriage. I didn’t know what to say. I guess I got flustered and turned a hideous shade of red (this is what he tells me.) I mean, yikes. We’re already bickering like a married couple? The second also happened at Copps. (He commented that perhaps we should start shopping elsewhere. LoL.) We were in the check-out lines last weekend and he was messing with an electric toothbrush. It vibrated very loudly, which he found amusing. (And who wouldn’t?) The checker commented that perhaps that’s what he wanted for Father’s Day. Uh, What? Do I look pregnant? I see no children… I don’t know what that was about, but it was another weird moment. The third happened last weekend as well. We were shopping a Kohls when he called a co-worker. When he mentioned that we were shopping, the guy on the other end apparently asked something like “for what, a ring?” and Adam freaked out and assured him it was nothing of that sort. I mean geesh people! What’s with all these things! We’ve only been dating for two months!

But that raises another issue. Yes, we’ve been dating for two months. Woulda been longer if either of us had taken some initiative sooner…but still…two months. I know there’s no pre-set timetable for relationships and there’s no guide to follow to chart how well your particular relationship is moving along, but it seems to me that this one is moving really fast. The thing is it just feels right. It doesn’t seem like it’s a bad thing that things are happening so quickly. I don’t question the decisions we’re making. We’ve been discussing the fact that my lease is up in October and we’ve been contemplating the idea of moving in together for quite some time now. It doesn’t seem like a stupid idea. It makes sense to me. I am not second guessing it. This scares me.

Over the last week I’ve been thinking about things. Serious things. When that lady mistook us as a married couple it didn’t really bother me. I think I’m ok with the idea of eventually being married. Being constantly surrounded by (albeit, psycho) pregnant ladies down in Lancaster has got me thinking that perhaps having a kid or two wouldn’t be so horrible. The logical connection here is marrying and having kids with the person I’ve spent almost every free minute with for the past few months. This makes sense. There hasn’t been a day since probably January that I haven’t talked to Adam. Not one day. I like the time he spends with me. Even when we’re doing something I generally don’t enjoy (ie: camping. LoL.) When he spends the entire weekend at my house, I like the times we’re just sitting around doing nothing. I like that we’re comfortable enough with each other to be able to sit around doing nothing. I like that we can sleep together - and I do mean SLEEP. He is the first person I’ve been able to share a bed with and actually get a decent amount of sleep. And I know for a fact that he snores and flails around in his sleep. It just doesn’t seem to bother me. It’s just so weird. There are just too many good things that make too much sense to me to ignore them all. Sometimes it’s like we’re inside each others’ minds. It’s nice.

Ok, well I think I’ve exhausted my emotions for now. We’ll see what happens I guess.

Friday, June 17, 2005


(Note: I actually wrote this entry on Thursday, June 16)

I’m actually typing this as I sit at work down in Lancaster, waiting for the clock to read somewhere more near 3pm. That’s my self-chosen departure time. Aaah, independent thinking is wonderful.

Anyway, it’s been a little while since I’ve updated this and although it appears that I spend 90% of my time being bored in a hotel in a dinky town, I have actually been doing some other things. My last day at Kmart was Saturday, June 4th. It was not a day full of tears and hugging. In fact no one seemed to notice or care that I was leaving. I had to fill out this gay exit interview questionnaire and hand in my vest and discount card. Boo hoo. By the time I actually walked out the door I was just glad to be done with it. No one I really was friends with was working then anyway so I suppose I could stop in sometime to talk with them but I’m not sure I want to. It’s just nice to have weekends completely free for now.

This past weekend was my first week of the aforementioned freedom. After having a pretty terrible week (which I may go into later, although it’s not really my place to do so) Adam decided to give camping a try. It was kind of my idea, kind of his idea, but overall it was a joint decision. I think he needed to get away for a bit. So we drove up to Door County on Friday afternoon, armed with a tent, a grill, and lots of other camp necessities. Unfortunately the weather didn’t exactly cooperate and it thundered, lightninged, and rained for most of the night. Add to that the fact that we apparently got the lumpiest campsite available and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a good night’s sleep. Yeah. Sure. At least the tent was waterproof.

Saturday started out a lot better. We showered and hopped in the car and drove around the peninsula for a few hours. Then we caught the ferry out to Washington Island. We drove to the very tip of the island and then stopped at an ostrich farm on the way back. We fed the various animals that lived there. My favorite, without a doubt, were the two pot bellied pigs. They were twin sisters and they were just adorable. They ran around and followed us, oinking gleefully when we stooped down to feed them. They were so friendly. There was also the camel who they said liked giving kisses, but I’m not sure anyone would want them from that huge slobbery mouth. There was a forelorn looking donkey who was isolated all by himself in a corner. Then there were the ostriches. Or llamas, if you’re going for a Dude, Where’s my Car? reference. They were pretty big and mean looking. When Adam held out the cone they give you with the food pellet stuff, the ostrich ripped it out of his hand and attacked it. We finished up at the farm right before it started raining again. Talk about good timing. We got back to the dock and caught the ferry back to the mainland. We drove back through all the little towns, stopping at the Door County confectionary on the way. I got a ton of candy that I probably shouldn’t have, but they had all kinds of candy that I haven’t had for years: sour apple balls, butterscotch disks, those strawberry things wrapped in strawberry printed foil… and fudge. Yummy fudge. We then headed back to the campsite where Adam displayed his manliness by chopping firewood. He had had some trouble the previous night with the whole “getting the fire started” thing and he figured maybe smaller chunks of wood would catch on fire and stay burning easier. It was so hot though that he eventually ended up in nothing but his boxers. Not that I’m complaining. Tee hee. After he recovered from that we went to lay down in the tent for awhile. It was so damn hot in that thing. After some discussion, we decided to abandon the camping idea for the rest of the weekend and go to an air-conditioned hotel. Ironically, we came to this decision right after he got a decent fire started and it refused to be put out. We packed up the site, doused the fire with water until it finally died, gave the firewood to a neighboring site, and headed to Green Bay. We happened to drive right through a pretty nasty storm that apparently spawned a few tornadoes. At least we weren’t in a tent this time…

After a much better night’s sleep, we lazed around in the room for a few hours on Sunday morning and then headed back to his house. We unpacked the camping gear and then he cooked some chicken on the grill and we made s’mores. Then I went home and got ready for another week down in Lancaster.

We do plan to try the camping thing again sometime this summer. We went to Wal-Mart in Sturgeon Bay and got an air mattress so hopefully that will help with the lumpiness factor next time. It was just so humid and the weather really sucked. We just need to choose a better weekend and I’m sure it will be a great time. I took a few pictures of the weekend (although not as many as I would have liked) and they’re posted on the photobucket site.

In other news, next week will be my last week in Lancaster. No really. It will be. One of the other ladies who has been out on maternity leave since March will be returning on the 27th so I will no longer be needed. Yay. I can finish out the month back in Oshkosh doing my real job. It might take some adjustment though, being home so much. I’ve spent so little time in my apartment lately it’s almost like I don’t even live there anymore. Ok, perhaps that’s an exaggeration. It’s just going to be weird. I might have to hold Adam hostage in my apartment for a week or so. Muahahahahaha. Just kidding.

I have a few IMA organization meetings in the next few months, but other than that I really have no big fun or exciting plans. Oh yeah, tentative camping plans for the second weekend in July with Catherine and Anthony too. Apparently Peninsula State Park is all booked up so we’re (and by “we’re”, I mean “Adam”) is going to try and get us into some other place over in Waupaca or something. I don’t remember. My short-term memory is a mess.

We passed our two month anniversary this past week. It hadn’t occurred to me until Adam made some comment this past weekend about how long we’d been dating. I couldn’t remember when we had started going out and I thought he was way off in his estimate, so after doing a little research (through this blog, as a matter of fact) I discovered that Monday was 2 months. I shared this little fact with him and he sent me flowers on Thursday. Purple flowers. I’m going to work on getting a pic of those in photobucket as well. People down here in Lancaster were envious. One of the ladies told me that he’s a keeper. LoL. I agree. That is kind of the plan.

Sometimes I just feel so un-girly. Aren’t we women supposed to be all date conscious and make big deals out of every milestone? I didn’t even remember when we had decided to start dating! I’m a sorry excuse for a female. *sob*

Just kidding. I think if I was that kind of person I’d annoy even MYSELF and that’s not a good thing. I’m ok with having a “male” attitude about some things. I guess perhaps I need to get in touch with my feminine side too. Hee.

Anyways… that’s about all I’ve got for now. We’re planning to go out for dinner on Saturday, but there are really no other plans for the near future. Which is cool.