More Ponderances

Lately I’ve been thinking about how perceptions and attitudes about things change depending on what is going on in your life, or, probably more importantly, who is in your life. I apologize if this gets out of hand and I end up spouting all kinds of philosophical bullshit for a bit, but I’ve just been thinking about this lately and I felt like typing it all out here. And this is my blog so therefore I can do whatever I want. Heh.

Case in point: I’m sure any of you who have known me for the past few years were aware of my pessimistic view of, well, everything. I had given up on finding a decent guy and having a normal relationship. I had grown resigned to the “relationships of convenience” that seemed to find me on a regular basis. When I met John, I gave up on my idealistic “I’m going to marry a white boy between the ages of 21 and 25” since John is obviously neither white nor in that age category. With the abandonment of the regular, normal relationship came the abandonment of marriage and, subsequently, children. I decided I was content with what I could get. I actually was able to convince myself that I didn’t want to find someone who I could love and who I could be with forever. I believed that children hated me and I hated them too. It’s amazing how your brain is able to take things like that and make you believe that’s really the truth.

Then things changed.

When I met Adam (for the second time), I was almost instantly hit by the feelings that I had when I was around him or talking to him. Trust me, I tried to ignore them, rationalizing them away as a misinterpretation of a friendship. I mean, I was so messed up by that point, who was to say I wasn’t just making these feelings up? The problem was they weren’t going away. Every time he’d come over and we’d do things together I would still get them. Every time the phone would ring and it was him (and let’s face it, not many other people call me), I’d get a fluttery feeling in my stomach. Since the first conversation, there hasn’t been a single day that he hasn’t called me at least once. That’s a lot of fluttery feelings. I don’t know why I waited so long to accept the fact that they weren’t going away. Ok, yes I do. It was because I dreaded the rejection that I was so sure was bound to come. I was positive I was just being psychotic and letting myself get attached to another guy who would just mess with me and then fall off the face of the earth with no warning. Fortunately I allowed myself to leak things out on this blog and things worked out.

But now other things have been happening. Over the past few weeks we’ve had quite a few odd situations. The first one occurred in Copps. We were over in the dairy section where I was picking out some yogurt. I wanted the whipped stuff while he told me I should get the regular stuff because it was on sale. A lady nearby told him that he shouldn’t argue with his wife. Let her get what she wants. That’s rule # 1 of marriage. I didn’t know what to say. I guess I got flustered and turned a hideous shade of red (this is what he tells me.) I mean, yikes. We’re already bickering like a married couple? The second also happened at Copps. (He commented that perhaps we should start shopping elsewhere. LoL.) We were in the check-out lines last weekend and he was messing with an electric toothbrush. It vibrated very loudly, which he found amusing. (And who wouldn’t?) The checker commented that perhaps that’s what he wanted for Father’s Day. Uh, What? Do I look pregnant? I see no children… I don’t know what that was about, but it was another weird moment. The third happened last weekend as well. We were shopping a Kohls when he called a co-worker. When he mentioned that we were shopping, the guy on the other end apparently asked something like “for what, a ring?” and Adam freaked out and assured him it was nothing of that sort. I mean geesh people! What’s with all these things! We’ve only been dating for two months!

But that raises another issue. Yes, we’ve been dating for two months. Woulda been longer if either of us had taken some initiative sooner…but still…two months. I know there’s no pre-set timetable for relationships and there’s no guide to follow to chart how well your particular relationship is moving along, but it seems to me that this one is moving really fast. The thing is it just feels right. It doesn’t seem like it’s a bad thing that things are happening so quickly. I don’t question the decisions we’re making. We’ve been discussing the fact that my lease is up in October and we’ve been contemplating the idea of moving in together for quite some time now. It doesn’t seem like a stupid idea. It makes sense to me. I am not second guessing it. This scares me.

Over the last week I’ve been thinking about things. Serious things. When that lady mistook us as a married couple it didn’t really bother me. I think I’m ok with the idea of eventually being married. Being constantly surrounded by (albeit, psycho) pregnant ladies down in Lancaster has got me thinking that perhaps having a kid or two wouldn’t be so horrible. The logical connection here is marrying and having kids with the person I’ve spent almost every free minute with for the past few months. This makes sense. There hasn’t been a day since probably January that I haven’t talked to Adam. Not one day. I like the time he spends with me. Even when we’re doing something I generally don’t enjoy (ie: camping. LoL.) When he spends the entire weekend at my house, I like the times we’re just sitting around doing nothing. I like that we’re comfortable enough with each other to be able to sit around doing nothing. I like that we can sleep together - and I do mean SLEEP. He is the first person I’ve been able to share a bed with and actually get a decent amount of sleep. And I know for a fact that he snores and flails around in his sleep. It just doesn’t seem to bother me. It’s just so weird. There are just too many good things that make too much sense to me to ignore them all. Sometimes it’s like we’re inside each others’ minds. It’s nice.

Ok, well I think I’ve exhausted my emotions for now. We’ll see what happens I guess.