Sunday, May 29, 2005

Life is strange...

I apologize in advance if this gets out of hand length-wise. This driving 3 hours twice a week thing gives me lots of time to think and muse over things, so I have a lot of stuff to get out here. I have no problem admitting that I'm not the kind of person who can sit around and talk about my emotions. As Adam has probably figured out, I'm also not generally comfortable with someone else sitting around talking about THEIR feelings. Now, don't think that means I don't care and I don't want to know about them. I just don't know how to react to them and I get the feeling I usually react in the wrong way. Somehow smiling and nodding just doesn't seem to be the reaction he wants. I don't know. The thing is most of the stuff he says to me is things I've been thinking to myself anyway. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who notices these things but I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that he's the one who vocalizes them.

To clarify my point, here's an example: We went out to dinner on Friday night. He called me and told me to be ready to hop in the car when he pulled up. He wouldn't tell me where we were going. It was a surprise. Now, he knows I don't particularly like surprises, but I went along with it anyway. :) So we're in the car and I can't remember if it was on the way there or on the way back (I think it was on the way there) and it was raining and the sun was out so of course there were rainbows all over the place. We were just talking about random shit and seemingly out of nowhere he says that his mom commented the other day about how since we've been dating, he seems a lot happier. He went on to say that he kind of brushed the comment off without a lot of thought and went to work. But later on in the day, it came back to him and he noticed that she was right. He said that he HAS been happier and has been feeling different than he ever has before. (I'm paraphrasing...I don't remember exactly what he said...) It's just so weird because on Thursday afternoon on the way back home from Lancaster, I was sitting in my car, thinking about how right now I'm probably happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I was actually composing an entry about that particular subject.

A few days before that he called me in the evening while I was at the hotel and we talked like we usually do every night. Then again, seemingly at random, he makes some comment about how he knows relationships are supposed to take some effort to work, but with me it doesn't seem like work. I commented that this should be a good thing and he agreed. But I agree with him too. What is going on here does seem almost effortless. The weirdness here is that a week or so ago I started composing a list of all the things I liked about him (because he has asked me more than once what made me decide that I wanted to date him and I wanted to be prepared the next time) and the very first thing on my list is that I'm so comfortable with him and can just be myself. It just seems to come naturally. Sometimes I tell him to quit reading my mind as a joke but at times I can't help but wonder why he seems so in tune with what I'm thinking. No, I'm not worried at all that he has ESP or something because there are definately times that he's completely clueless. It's just weird sometimes. But good weird.

Anyway, back to my original subject. When he says things like that, at random, it catches me off guard and I don't know how to react to it. I've never been much good at expressing my emotions. And not that anyone really knows me that well, but I generally just keep things inside, whether they be good or bad. This is probably why it took me a good 3 months to express (albeit, in writing on the internet) what I really wanted from him. I tend to shy away from exposing too much of that kind of thing because I never know how the person is going to react. I readily admit that I have severe trust issues. I also have a spectacular maze of defense mechanisms all ready and armed at a moment's notice. So far I haven't had to shut myself down to deal with anything that's come at me from Adam. I really hope it stays that way. I've learned from past experience that once something happens that requires me to do that, it's pretty much a lost cause. I realize that what I just typed makes me sound psycho and I'm not going to try and explain it. I also realize that Adam is not anyone from the past and I really shouldn't compare him to that. It's just that my past made me the person I am right now and that affects the way I react and interact with him. I just get so mad sometimes at my inability to express what I'm feeling. I know there are times that I should say or do something and I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why.

Anyway, given some conversations over the last few days, I think it's safe to say that things are going well. And Adam, although I know I probably reacted to things you said in a strange way, just know that I was listening to you, I heard what you said, and I know exactly what you mean because I have the same feelings.

Moving on.

We went and did the great cell phone exchange yesterday. It didn't take very long at all. I was impressed seeing as how he told me we'd have to wait in line for hours. We did get there right as they opened though so that probably made a difference. I am now a proud new Alltel user. (That's what Adam has and we figured free mobile-to-mobile minutes would come in handy.) I also got a new phone. I'd had the huge Nokia for over 4 years and it's had the battery taped on it for about a year now so it was time to upgrade. I got the Audiovox 8910. A cute little flip phone.

New one Old One

It's going to take me some time to familiarize myself with all the extra crap that is on phones these days but it should be fun. Now I need to get some dirty ring tone to program in there for when Adam calls me. Muahahahahaha. Just kidding. Maybe.

I have a least two weeks left in Lancaster and since the person I was replacing is now on manditory bedrest...we'll see I guess. We have a "state of the union" pow wow next week. But being away from home so much and having Kmart schedule me so many damn hours inspired me to finally put in my two weeks notice last night. I have 2 weeks worth of vacation to burn up, but after that I asked to be taken off the schedule permanently. I stayed there after I graduated because I was still enjoying what I was doing. Somewhere in the last few months something has changed and I no longer feel that way. They also have been scheduling me way too many hours than I want to be working. It's time to move on past that part of my life. Ironically enough, my four-year anniversary there is this next week. Go figure... I doubt whatever raise I'd get would make it worth my while to stay there. LoL. I asked Adam what we're going to do with all the free time I'll have on weekends now. First he got an evil look on his face. Heh. The we came up with things to do more of: biking, walking, I won't have to ask off to go camping now, boating. I think at first it will be odd to not work on weekends but I'm sure I'll get used to it just like I got used to having a lunch hour.

And all you people who kept bugging me to quit, there ya go. I did it.

Friday, May 20, 2005


I'm not quite sure what to write here. It's been awhile since I wrote anything on this thing but nothing interesting is really happening anyway. I'm still spending the majority of my life in a car or in Lancaster. When I am here in Oshkosh I'm generally stuck in Kmart for too long, wishing I could just go back home and sleep. Or do other things involving me in a bed. Muhahahahahaha. Ok. Involving me and Adam and my bed. Geesh. We're a bunch of horny bastards.

Anywho. I know I keep saying this over and over but I really mean it this time. My days at Kmart are numbered. Every week I have less and less motivation to get up and go to work. I never want to be there and both the customers and the majority of my co-workers just make me want to go on a homicidal killing spree. Ok, perhaps that's an exaggeration. But seriously, every minute I spend there in that horrible red vest is almost torture-like.

Last weekend we went to the outlet mall and I bought a bike. I had originally wanted to get rollerblades but somehow I got talked out of that. So I got a Schwinn. (Reg $499, I got it for $160-ish because it's last year's model.) We're planning on taking it out for a spin tomorrow so we'll see how I like it. We'll see how much my butt (and other more sensitive regions of my body) like it. Hopefully I'll like the bike and bike riding and will be motivated to go ride on a regular basis so I can lose weight. Cuz I'm Fat. :((

Speaking of fat...when I went to the doctor last week I learned I'd gained 30+ pounds since my last visit and I'd shrunk by almost an inch. Great. On the positive side of things, I'm still ridiculously normal otherwise. Woot. I also got myself some hormonal help again. Let's hear it for birth control! In your face you stupid republicans! I got the Seasonale shit that will give me only 4 periods a year. That rocks. :) Being womanly and all is nice sometimes but sometimes you just need a break you know...

Anyway, with that extreme over-sharing, I draw this entry to a close so I can go watch something on tv with Adam.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Talk about a long commute...


Let's see. It's been awhile. What has been happening "In the Life of Martha"? Well, mainly I guess I should mention that work decided to send me down to Lancaster for 3-4 days each week for the next 6 weeks. Lancaster is appx 3 hours southwest of Oshkosh so it's a long drive. It's a tiny hick town with not much to do. I get to stay at a hotel (with cable tv!) for a few nights each week. So far it doesn't suck terribly. It's actually kind of nice. It's a much more relaxed environment than corporate is. It's different and I'm doing things I haven't done before so it's also educational and ups my overall value to the company. Not that I had any doubts about my value...I think I'm a pretty good catch. :) In your face Schneider National!

Kmart has been scheduling me for about one day a week, four or five hours. This is fine with me. Gives me more time to spend at home (when I'm here that is.) The next IMA meeting is the week after next so we'll see how that goes. I'm not anticipating anything too horrible since I've been going to meetings for a few years now. I don't expect anything will change just because I'm now on the board. I have a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday (yay insurance!) so hopefully they can figure out why my body is whacked. It's obnoxious, but I won't go into too much detail. Let's just say I think I need some help with hormonal balance. Meh. I just love going to a place where they strip you naked and prod you with various cold instruments. Now that's my idea of a good time. (not)

Whoa, talk about TMI.

Anywho, nothing else is really going on. We were messing around with the camera last night so there are some new pics on the photobucket site. Here's a preview: