December 2003

Monday, December 22, 2003

I dislike Christmas. Yesterday, I was alone in the softlines area from 4 pm on. Nice. Love the way they schedule. I was running all over the freakin' place and I kept getting stuck behind the jewelry counter. It's hard to be in 4 places at once, let me tell you. It was NOT cool. Today and tomorrow are 14.5 hour days. Fun, fun. But then I get to hop on an airplane and suffer for 4 days. And not get paid for it. Grrrr. I still haven't found anything to wear. I have a skirt, but I can't find anything to go with it. Stupid long sleeves. I hate clothes too. What a pain. There's not too much I actually like right now. Chocolate is always good, of course. That may just be the PMS-ing woman in me though. :)
I bought a bathroom scale last night. Weighed myself for the first time in about 2 years. Probably not a good idea. Whoa, was it depressing. I think I was better off not knowing. Granted, my weight's been redistributed on my body over the last few years, but still...ugh...

Friday, December 19, 2003

Yawn. I really need to get out of here. Here being Wisconsin. This is my life right now. Yeah, it's December, so therefore it's cold. Yeah, it snows. Who cares? It's the stupid weathermen that drive me nuts. I was driving to work the other day. The radio station I listen to has this weather update crap like every 5 minutes. The moron who reads the piece of paper is blabbing on. His last line is "It's and it's " On this particular day, it went something like, "It's 7:11 AM and it's 8 degrees ABOVE ZERO."
Thanks for the clarification.
I've really got to get out.
Granted, it wouldn't have phased me much if he had said "below zero" rather than "above zero." For people who live in the northern parts of the country, 0 is a relative temperature. Sure, in July, if we heard it was going to be 0 degrees the next day, we'd probably freak. But in December, 0 is nothing. For those of you who enjoy the milder climates, freezing is 32 degrees. 0 is therefore 32 degrees below freezing. And here in Wisconsin, we have a lovely factor called the "windchill" which makes the already chilly 0 into a frigid -18. Lovely.
Anyways, this week was my first back at full time at Presto. Between this past Wednesday and Christmas, I have 77.5 hours scheduled. Fun, fun. Keeps me out of trouble. Or something. I'm still not really looking forward to my brother's wedding. I haven't been able to find a dress to wear. I tried to go shopping on Wednesday. It was sad. I went to Kohl's out in Neenah. Stepped into the store, wandered around aimlessly for about 5 minutes, panicked and ran out. I just don't do the shopping thing very well, which is why I haven't bought any new clothes in about 3 years. I tried 2 other stores here in Oshkosh, but it seems like everything is either:
1. Black,2. Red, pink, orange or some combination thereof,3. Too damn short, or4. Too damn tight.
I have no luck.
Speaking of no luck...Sigh
There seems to be some kind of evil lurking around me that is keeping me from getting any. It's kind of annoying. Twice in the last few days, I've been so close to nookie I could feel it...literally. Yet, something steps in and steps on the brakes. On Tuesday, it was a sudden bout of nausea followed by vomiting. Not exactly a turn on...the guy ended up leaving me in the bathroom. Yuck. Yesterday, I had the guy on his way over. I go to the bathroom quick before he gets here, and lo and behold. A visitor. DAMMIT. That sucks. Yet this morning, the visitor had packed up and left...somehow...what the hell. It's like my body is just fucking with me. Grrrrrr. Not cool.
John! Where are you!?! Argh.

Monday, December 8, 2003

Aah. The last week of the fall semester. Such a great thought. This semester has been retarded. A complete waste. So this final week will be just as much a waste as the last thirteen were. Woo. More money down the drain. Thanks UWO...
This weekend was full of sexual frustration. Jason came over on Friday and took me out to the bars. I got pretty drunk. Came home, went to sleep. Saturday morning I woke up to get ready for work and when I came back from the shower, he had totally taken off. Men... Then on Saturday after work I went to Reeve to finish up the tax returns. Met Justin there. Tried very hard not to hop on him. Ended up walking back to his room in Gruenhagen. Ooh, the restraint I had to practice. I just wanted to strip him naked the entire time. But no, I settled for dirty comments and blantant come ons. Then when I got home, another senator was online and I finally gave into him and went and picked him up. What a waste of time. He asked to go back after about 5 minutes. Loser. On Sunday, I worked and then I let another guy who I've been talking to for a bit come over to hang out for a bit. That was fun, but still got me nowhere. I've just lost the ability to be a slut. Mind you, that's a good thing. I have no desire to add to my so called "number." I'd rather find one of the guys I've already been with. (Hey John, what's up? LoL.) And NOT a threesome, David...so quit asking.
I still have quite a bit of work to do before the semester is over with. That sucks. I'm so tired and I feel so lazy. I think it's because I don't get enough sex. If I got laid more often, my mind would be free to think about more important things, right? Argh.

November 2003

Thursday November 27, 2004

Hey that's right. It's Thanksgiving. Who gives a shit. I'll be working 8 hours today at K-Mart! WOO! Holiday pay! My status on messenger for today is "Save a turkey. Eat me." We'll see if I get any reaction for the throngs of adoring males who added me to their friend list. Ha ha ha.
Somehow, over the past 2 weeks, I just quit caring. School sucks, so I'll go through the motions of half-heartedly doing homework and taking exams, but I really could care less. I've been on vacation from K-Mart for the past week and a half and I just heard yesterday that our store manager (the only manager I could really stand) is resigning. Great. At Presto, everything is basically the same, so I can't complain about that. Guys in general are always pissing me off. They can't seem to comprehend that I don't like them, I don't care if they're not like every other guy and frankly, I'm sick of hearing that. Just leave me the fuck alone. I don't want some clingy older guy calling me every day. It's just annoying. Nothing ever happens in my life that is of any exciting value. And I know nothing happens in this guys' life cuz he sits at home all day doing who knows what. Fuck man, just leave me alone!
And all those younger guys who think they can make me happy...or at least want to try for 10 minutes. Lame. Isolation is always the best method. Think of how much better off the US would be if they'd stuck with it. I, for one, am going to not give it to worldwide pressure. Borders are closed guys. This immigration quota has been met.

Sunday November 23, 2004

So I'm sitting here on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, drinking vodka and hanging out. This is my last weekend of vacation from K-Mart and I still feel as though I haven't made the most of it. I here with a freak trying to convince me to get a tattoo of a cow on my ass. Somehow this doesn't seem like the best use of my hard-earned money.

Thursday November 13, 2004

I've been sitting here doing homework for the last hour and a half or so. This is what every Thursday night has been like since the first week of the semester. Procrastinators unite! Business Comp assignments are always due on Fridays, as are most Tax writing assignments, etc, etc, etc. Of course, I never do them earlier in the week, say, Monday, my night off. (Or in the case of this week, not my night off. Stupid K-Mart called me in to work because they can't schedule people the right way and they know I'll come work. Damn this need for money! But hey, I have the next two weekends off to use my vacation, so I guess I should shut up. Not like I was gonna do homework on Monday anyway.)
Whoa, hella parenthetical.
For those of you who knew what that last sentence meant, yay you! I'd give you a gold star, but I have better things to do. Of course, that said, I probably have better things to be doing than sitting here typing this. Yeah, ironic, ain't it?
I've been listening to this stupid Jessica Simpson CD over and over. I'm too lazy to change it. This happened a few weeks ago with a Britney Spears CD. Man, my taste in music sucks. Thing is, their crap is easy to tune out and it helps me concentrate on my homework. I can't hear other superfluous noise (like my roommate's TV), but I can also mostly ignore their shitty teeny bopper songs. It works for everyone. They get my money and I get my homework done. I did catch myself humming one of her songs at work tonight though.
Speaking of songs at work...
K-MART IS PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ALREADY!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I don't think it's wise to bring on the homicidal urges this early...hope things don't get out of hand. :-)

October 2003

Tuesday October 21, 2003

There are a few things I just don't understand at all. One of them is the guy mentality. So many males are offended when I automatically assume they're telling me I'm hot because they want something. But really, how many times have I been wrong about that? Not many...The second I get ticked off about them always asking to see my boobs or incesessantly asking if I will come to their house or can they come to my house I kind of insinuate that I'm denying them. Then they suddenly go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and call me nasty names. Yeah, insulting me is really going to make me change my mind and say, "oh yes, please invade my privacy, come into my home, and fuck my like I've never been fucked before." Puh-leeeeeze.
The whole insult thing is a completely different subject. In the last 24 hours I've been called a bitch (although that's normal), a cunt (not so common), self-absorbed (I know I'm great) and MY personal favorite, and I quote, "chubby redheaded whore." Well at least he didn't tell me I was fat...
Come on guys. It gets really old.
Yes the hair is natural, no I'm not going to tell you if the "carpet matches the curtains," yes, I'm aware that apparently 99% of the male population finds redheaded irresistable and those same 99% appear to think that redheads are good in bed, I'm not going to discuss oral sex or my favorite positions with complete strangers, I'm not going to show you my boobs or any other part of my body, yes I have a cam but it's no on, I'm not going to turn it on, and I don't want to see your dick on You webcam, I don't answer the "asl" question because it's all on my profile, which you should have been polite enough to look at before you bugged me with the IM window, I don't answer "what do you do for fun" because it's boring, inoriginal, the asker usually doesn't even care, and my life is never fun, so I don't do anything fun anyway, Yes, I'm a loser but I don't care, I'm not interested in how long you are or how wide it is, the pickle jokes are getting old and so are the "I'm white, but I look like a black man from the waist down" things, no, I won't come to Green Bay or Milwaukee of whereever it is you want me to come, of course I'm incredibly insulted if you offer me money, I don't travel, no guy is worth it, who cares if your roommate is lonely and going to be all alone if you leave, I'm sure they'll be able to take care of themselves, who cares if your house is messy, it always has been.
All in all, men are just pissing me off. The whole lot of them are undependable and moronic. I'd like to say I'm swearing off men, but that's not realistic. At times like this, I'd just like to round them all up and slaughter them.

Saturday October 17, 2003

Some people really just need to calm down. Over these past two days, I had a lot of moments where I've just wanted to either 1) Jump off a cliff, 2) Kill someone in a really painful way, or 3) do #2 and then #1. It's been a very long week and, so far, a very long weekend. At work today I got so pissed off three times that I actually had to go into the employee lounge and calm down. That isn't a good thing. Christmas season has barely started. It's going to be a long 2 months.
I wonder what the hell some people are thinking sometimes. The things they do make no sense. I admit, at times I ask myself "what the hell were you thinking?" but most of the time I can conjure up some logical reason for my retardedness. For some though, there's just no explanation. Last night was not one of the better nights in my life. Kind of emotionally harsh. I really could have done without some of the events that took place, but I drank over half a bottle of vodka so I figure I might have killed some of the brain cells that might have retained that stuff. lol. Really though. Some people need to take a chill pill. Others need to take an anti-retard pill (otherwise known as a "get a fucking clue" pill.) I won't even go into the issues I have with chatrooms right now.
Although I am generally disgusted with the male gender, I also have found someone I could probably see a little more of. Not gonna go and get the hopes up yet though. Kinda unpredictable thus far. Unfortunately, there are quite a few guys I could really do without. Too many. And even MORE unfortunately, I just can't seem to get rid of some of them. Grrrr. I can be mean and insulting and bitchy and they still hang all over me like the pathetic losers they are. Argh. Why do those kind of guys seem to be drawn to me? Losers and old men. Ugh. I'm cursed.

Thursday October 15, 2003

Yawn.

Thursday October 9, 2003

We all need a day off every once in a while. In my life, which seems to go at break-neck speeds, a day off doesn't happen very often. Therefore, I make my own days off. I figure it's better to miss one day every once in a while then to go, go, go and make myself sick and miss more days than I should. So yesterday, after developing quite a migraine at work on Tuesday evening, I decided to take an unofficial day off. I slept until noon. Took a shower. Then somehow fell asleep again. Nice...Didn't get anything done, and therefore I don't plan to be sleeping much tonight. Oh well. It happens.
Just a note here: it was about 75 degrees out yesterday. This after 3 or 4 days of freezing (literally) cold. Sigh. Wisconsin sucks.
I should be getting some vacation from K-mart soon. 40 hours of it before November 26th. Fun, fun. Maybe I'll have a weekend off or something. LoL. Yeah, sure. I can dream though. Speaking of dreaming, I would really like to go home and take a nap. I don't think I should do that though. I have way too much homework to get done for tomorrow. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Wednesday October 1, 2003

Yeah. October. This just means that Christmas trees have been up at work for 2 weeks and I have to scrape ice off my windshield in the morning. Yuck. It's supposed to be "10 to 15 degrees below normal" for the next week or so. I love winter. Especially winter in Wisconsin. So pleasant. I'm getting a cold too. I'm all stuffed up and my throat is not too happy. Doesn't help much working at K-mart where apparently unhealthily dry air is en vogue. Seriously. Your lips and skin are completely dried out the second you walk in the door. Having a cold in these conditions is great fun. Constant cough drop consumption is required. Then you get yelled at for "eating on the sales floor." Stupid managers can bite me, dammit. It's either suck on Halls the entire time or die of a sore throat.
I have my first wave of exams in this next week. There's more fun in my life. I'm really not liking my classes, but what can you do? I registered for the spring semester on Monday. Classes I'm taking are posted in the "Classes" section towards the bottom. I had to move some things around from my original plan but I still have all my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is especially awesome because this means I'll be able to work full days out at Presto on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and therefore I'll only have to work weekends at K-Mart. That will be excellent. I'll actually be working fewer (42.5) hours, but earning more money. That's how it should work. :-)
Just a wayward comment...with little or no explaination: I find it amazing that I can have older men (I'm talking 40's) dote over me and invite me to their apartment and ask if they can kiss me, yet I can't get guys my own age to give me the time of day. What's up with that? And yeah, the older guys ASK first dumbasses...
That is all.

September 2003

Thursday September 25, 2003

I wish I had someone who would take care of all the annoying things that one has to do in life. I would totally pay someone to take my car to get an oil change every 3,000 miles. I hate doing that. The whole concept of some guy under my car messing with stuff while I'm sitting there is freaky. (And, yes, I know I could just get out of the car while they're doing it, but that's too much work.) I would also just love to have someone do basically everything for my car except drive it. I hate cars. I know nothing about cars, nor do I have any desire to become educated in any way in that subject.
I need to marry a mechanic...or at least have a life-long affair with one...
Good plan, Martha. *pats self on back*
I also have this fear of creepy crawly things. Bugs in general, I'd say. I think it's more than just the normal, everyday "girly" thing. Tuesday morning, there was this icky thing crawling on the bathroom floor. Scared the hell out of me. I'd love to have someone on-site to kill bugs for me. A live in exterminator or something. Luckily, I had finished the bottle of shampoo in the shower and proceeded to club the bug to death. Smooshed it into the floor actually. So gross. Then I had to clean up the guts. Ewwwww. Now here comes the irrational part. For the rest of the time I was in that bathroom, not only could I feel the presence of the bug's ghost, but I was fully expecting an angry mob of his friends and family to swarm out and kill me. This is why I don't kill bugs.
So I guess I really need to marry a mechanic exterminator.
There are so many other things I'd like to just have someone else do for me. Like making hotel reservations or flight arrangements. How annoying are those things? I dislike doing them immensely. I have to fly down to Charleston in December and I'm not looking forward to having to buy tickets. Don't get the wrong idea - I ADORE flying. If I could go everywhere in an airplane, I would. I just hate the logistics of making reservations.
I also don't like going to the bank. Direct Deposit is awesome. Maybe it's just because the people over at the main branch of UWO CU hate me. I'm serious. I'm not really quite sure why. I did bitch the one lady out once, but they deserved it. I mean, they sent my debit card all the way out to NY to my mom's house. How does that make any sense when my permanent address is in Oshkosh? Duh...so apparently they can't send the debit card to a PO Box, but they can send the credit card there. Makes sense to me. Idiots...They kept changing my address without my knowing about it. Very annoying. It also happened to be around the same time my "guy" took off on me and my mother put my dog to sleep and I had to move out to Neenah. I was an emotional wreck and therefore probably didn't go about it in the best way, but oh well. I'm a redhead. I get to blow up every once in a while. Have to live up to my temper expectations.
I generally avoid doing all these above things until I absolutely have to. Yeah, my tailight has been burned out for over a year. The last time I changed my oil was back in probably April. Sigh.
Well, it's been almost a month since the crap went down. I can't say I'm really too sorry about what happened. I do miss certain things, but overall I think my life is a lot less stressful and I'm generally a happier person. Considering my usual level of happiness, that's not really saying much though. Still not too impressed with men. I'm kinda tired of the "I like redheads, you're hot" line. BORING. Plus, it's a lie. I'm not stupid.

Tuesday September 23, 2003

I feel like crap. My body is rebelling. How rude. Sure, I pigged out on McDonald's last night and it probably didn't appreciate that, but who cares? Grrrrr. Still nothing much going on in Marthaland...my life is contently boring. As much as I may complain to everyone all the time about how I never do anything and people hate me, I'm really ok with that. I'd much rather sit at home and watch TV then go to a stupid, loud concert or have stupid, retarded conversations with mental deficients. I have chatrooms for that, and I don't even have to leave my room!
I somewhat, maybe, half-heartedly and not really too sincerely apologize for my behavior in the last week or so. PMS really messed with you. It's tons of fun for me, of course, but has the tendency to catch other people off guard. Yeah, I'm horny all the time. It happens. But just because I say I want to get laid doesn't mean I have any intention of that actually happening. I'm pretty happy with my quasi-celibate state. Guys just cause way too many problems so that most the time, it's not worth it.
Wednesday September 17, 2003So. I really have nothing to say. I don't know quite why I'm even bothering to type this now...not even really boredom. Maybe it's just because I've found myself alone at work. Everyone else has gone home. Not that I have nothing to do. There are many things I should be doing here right now. But I'm not doing them. Couldn't tell ya why either. I want to go home, but I guess I've got another 10 minutes in order to get my 4 hours in. Although, since no one else is here, no one would notice if I left early. It's just the principal though I guess. Sigh. I have lots to do tonight. I want to get some of the homework out of the way so I have less to do this weekend. Not that I'd do it anyway...Argh.

Tuesday September 16, 2003

So, I'm skipping class right now. I just couldn't bring myself to go onto campus today. I have a headache and I think I pinched a nerve somewhere in my ass because my whole left leg hurts. I opted to stay here and do some other homework. No really. I'm serious. I've done my finance problems and I fully intend to read some Government crap. Ucky. I'd actually just like to take a nap. I got a decent amount of sleep last night (6 hours or so) but I still am tired. Yawn.
Ok. In all honesty, I'm kind of horny right now, and in case you haven't noticed, have been for a little while now. I'm actually skipping class in the hope that I'll find some guy who will come over and mess with me. Not working too well though. Darn...

Monday September 15, 2003

Woo! Long time, no write. That's because I'm busy! Duh... This whole internet thing is addicting. I spent most of my weekend doing nothing. I mean, chatting online. Same thing, right? LoL. So anyway, let's do a little recap, shall we?
Classes still suck. Hasn't improved at all in the last 2 weeks. I think it may have actually gotten worse. I don't know how this happened, but I ended up with all of my professors being "old" men. Ugh. Why? I'd even take women over old guys. And unfortunately, some of them think it's funny to constantly use their age as an excuse for stupidity. Also, a few of them think they're funny, but they're really being assholes. And that's just annoying. It's going to be a long semester. Yay.
Work is the same as always. Inventory time over at K-Mart. The scheduling there has been kind of messed up lately, but whatever. I'm still employed, so I won't complain. My class schedule doesn't make any of it too convenient. Stupid Business French. Speaking of French, the first French Club meeting is a week from today. We'll have to see how many people show up this semester. Can't be much worse then the last, uhm, 3...people suck.
Hmmm. What else? I had quite a few wild times in the last weeks. This prompted me to go to Wal-Mart and buy a whole gallon of big dill pickles. Check it out:

That should keep me busy for awhile.
Ok, in all reality, that had nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to show all of you my HUGE pickles. More on the cam later, I'm sure.

Wednesday September 3, 2003

Yawn. 8:00 classes are just wrong. Must have been a man who came up with that idea...(ooh, trash talking already. Ya know it's gonna be a good day.) I've had only one class so far and I have this feeling it's going to be a very long semester. The professor thinks he's being witty and fun, but I see him as more of a prick. Great. I just hate people who think they're funny, but really are just assholes. Oh well. At least the class doesn't appear to be difficult. I'll just have to curb my sarcasm as much as possible when doing the assignments.
FYI everyone - I work for a damn good company. Reynolds/Presto Products were voted "best in class" by PLBuyer magazine. Woo! Read about it here.
So, besides being very tired, having no time to do anything and having the feeling that this semester is going to suck, things are good. I have a hot date tonight, so that's pretty cool. LoL. Granted, this hot date is with a guy I work with at K-Mart. He wants me to teach him how to use his computer. :-) Since I've been using computers practically since birth and I sit in front of one for hours every day, I think I'll do a decent job. I rock.
I think that's about all I have to say right now. I plan to post some new pics this evening, if I get around to it. Maybe some nekkid ones...

Tuesday September 2, 2003

Good God. The insanity that I sometimes call my life continues. This weekend was interesting, to say the least. I might as well start with late Thursday night since that explains some of my other actions throughout the weekend. Those that can be explained at all, anyways. So, Thursday night, perhaps early Friday morning, I sent that lengthy e-mail to John. (BTW, have heard absolutely nothing since I sent it. Is that a good sign or a bad sign...) Spent all day Friday at work, just kinda zoned out. Between being tired and just not being in the greatest of moods, I probably didn't accomplish much. I really don't even remember. In any case, I came home and starting drinking the minute I stepped in the door. I was passed out by about 8:30 PM. I do good.
So I woke up Saturday morning around 8. I proceeded to eat bad food and watch the Dawson's Creek series finale, which I had taped back in June or whenever. Not the greatest thing to watch when you're all depressed in the first place. Needless to say, I spent a few hours bawling and had a hard time taking a shower. Then it was off to K-Mart for the evening. I didn't do too well there either, but I survived even though I was all alone on the floor after 6. Came home and went to sleep.
Now here's where it gets interesting.
Sunday, I worked 9-5 and once again I was alone on the floor until 1:30. Fun, fun. David showed up around 4:45 (or at least that's when I noticed him there.) :-) He was all mysterious about going to get some iced tea and informed me that he'd be back at 5. I have to admit, I was kinda suspicious...but, whatever. I punched out as early as I could and went and bought our microwave. (Sweet.) David showed up again right before I left the parking lot. We got back to the apartment, where he presented me with a rose and a big Hershey bar. Awwwww. I think he wanted to show me that all guys are not scum. He did a pretty good job. (More on that later... tee hee.)
So, we hung out for awhile and then decided we were hungry. We got a DiGiorno pizza. They're pretty yummy. Then we proceeded to start drinking. And drink we did...Meanwhile, I was online chatting with people. One of the guys I had met a little while earlier was completely trashed and suggested that he come over and hang out with me. He was slighty disappointed when I informed him that I already had a guy over here. I suggested that he come over anyway. Hey, I'm not going to complain about having 2 guys instead of 1. In all honesty, I didn't expect him to go for that. I also didn't expect him to remember where I lived. He surprised me on both counts and showed up at my door a little bit later.
So, I ended up with two guys, both slightly drunk, as was I, in my room. Hmmm. What to do...
Cory got slightly annoyed that I was continuing to chat with people online when he was there. So I turned the computer screen off and plopped down on the bed.
So, just in case you've missed anything thus far, at this point it was drunken me and two drunken guys, laying on my bed...
I think you see where this is going...
Ahem.
Unfortunately, things didn't go as well as they could have. One of the guys was just too far gone before he even got here that he was really not of much use. He ended up passing out and falling off the bed. That was good for quite a laugh and I'm still snickering as I write it now. But luckily he didn't pass out before I could get them all naked and have a little fun with them. Since the one guy was just dead to the world, that left the other one and me to entertain ourselves. We went to sleep around 5:30 or so. Didn't sleep much though because the drunk guy snored and then started talking in his sleep.
So, he woke up around 10, suggested we pick up where he apparently thought we had stopped (well, where HE had stopped, or remembered stopping.) We just kinda laughed at him and he decided to leave. Made a ceremoniously great deal out of getting dressed...Some people's children...So that left David and me alone again. We spent the rest of the day doing nothing. Ok, so I was watching episode after episode of "Law & Order" and David was giving me evil looks of boredom. Hey, I told him to just entertain himself by looking at my boobs but he didn't seem to go for that. Men. They're never happy. And I even cooked lunch...
Whew. So David left out of boredom (and his cat) around 5 or so. And there ended my totally eventful weekend. I went to sleep early and woke up this morning all fresh and renewed. Or not. But it's ok.
I have to admit, I did think about John every once in a while. But not as much as I expected to. Although I was apparently otherwise occupied quite a bit, I guess. I truly didn't expect to hear from him after I sent him the letter anyway. I always have that thread of optimism that says "Maybe he'll surprise you." Hasn't happened yet and it didn't happen this time. Yup. Predictable. So, I guess I'll have to just see if anything else goes on with that or not. Right now I'm focusing on my classes, which start tomorrow. And work, which I should be doing right now. :-)

August 2003

Friday August 29, 2003

Yawn. Well, due to some unexpected events, that e-mail was sent late last night/early this morning. We'll see what kind of reaction I get. I plan to get plastered tonight. It probably won't happen, but that's still my plan. If not tonight, then Sunday night. Maybe both. Maybe I'll be an alcoholic again. Could be fun. I'm just tired. In many ways. I really just want to have a normal relationship. Really, I do. I just don't have the greatest luck in finding guys. I mean, I don't even know what I've been doing for the past year or so. I've been ignoring other guys and avoiding them. And why? Because of some guy who doesn't give a shit about me. Just doesn't make sense. Sigh. I'm hoping my spewing my guts to him will be some kind of resolution. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time.
Moving on.
There's nothing else really going on in my life at this point. Other than the fact that I have NO MONEY and tuition is due and I need to buy my books. Dammit I hate money. Especially since I never have any. I also plan to be freakin' crabby for quite awhile so just deal with it. Don't say you're sorry. Don't try and cheer me up. Don't do those annoying "well, I care, screw him" things. I don't want to hear it. I just want to wallow in my self-pity for awhile. And eat lots of chocolate. And vodka. Lots of vodka. Funny story - the last night in France this one guy brought out his camcorder to get everyone on tape. He turns to me and says, "So, what do you have to say about this trip?" I think my reply was something like, "(Martha holding up bottle) Vodka. Couldn't have stood all you people and this place without vodka." Aaahh. Spoken like the true alcoholic I am. Sigh. I think I'm gonna have to start drinking beer though because vodka is too expensive. Or maybe not. I don't need to eat. I'll spend food money on liquor. There we go. Good plan.
Here's another warning. We're entering the time of year where I always seem to get all down in the dumps for some reason. Haven't figured it out yet. So, yes, I'm going to be crabby and bitchy and depressed for awhile. Granted, it doesn't help that there's shit going down right now. I could really do without that. But don't expect me to be cheerful and optimistic. Not that I ever am...I'll just be even less that then normal. I've had to learn to deal with my irrational mood swings and manic-depressive tendencies. You will too.

Thursday August 28, 2003

Well, less than a week until classes start. I must say I'm kind of relieved to hear that. This summer has been outrageously weird and busy. I'm looking forward to returning to semi-normalcy. I've been doing some clean-up work the last few days since I've had the evenings off. Not clean-up as in washing things and sweeping. More like "emotional" clean-up. I think it's time to do another "stress causes removal." I did a similar thing about 2 years ago. Determined to get rid of things in my life that were causing me too much stress. Most of those things turned out to be people. I think this is the case once again. I don't purposely choose to surround myself with people who are bad for me. It just kind of ends up that way. I've already started to compose a letter to the main person this concerns. I intended it to be an e-mail that would inform him of what I'm going through. As it stands now, it has turned into a 3 page letter. And I'm not done yet. Ironically enough, I'm pretty sure he won't even take the time to read it. So I don't know why I'm bothering to write it since it's just getting me all worked up. I think it's healthier then suffering through it though. At least this way he won't have an excuse for being ignorant about some things.
I plan to send him my thoughts on Saturday. We'll have to see what kind of response I'll get (if any.) For the past few days I've just sat here at work for 8 hours, gone home and sat in from of my computer there for a while and then gone to sleep. Fascinating life. Oh wait. I lied. On Tuesday, Bill came over. That was fun. He's got that computer nerd side to him, which I dig. And he introduced me to a completely awesome website - StrongBad...so funny. Plus, lots of his friends work at the porn store...my kind of people. :-)
Plans for the rest of the week are almost as exciting as my week has been so far. Tonight, I'm going to do nothing. Tomorrow, more nothing. Saturday and Sunday, working and then nothing. Oops. I mean Sunday night David is supposed to come up to visit me. He'll stay (on the floor in the living room...lol) at the apartment and then party with me on Labor Day, which, surprisingly I got off. I think K-Mart just doesn't want to pay me the holiday rate. Cheapos. Then Tuesday is my last day of insane hours - my insanest yet actually - 14. Then I go to classes bright and early on Wednesday morning - at the crack of 8 AM. Fun...
Well, I suppose I should be working. I just have no motivation. I went to bed at like 6 yesterday. Got up at 8 and again (sick to my stomach) around 11 and finally about 5:30. Still, that's a lot more sleep than I've been getting lately. Why am I still tired? And hungry. Dying of hunger. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Thursday August 21, 2003

Why do I bother? Sometimes I just get extremely frustrated with people. Especially those who are of the male gender. I won't even go into what happened this time. It's the same old thing. I let it keep happening. It is my fault that they piss me off. So, no more. I saw someone's Yahoo! profile the other day and their quote was really good. Can't remember it exactly, but it was something along the lines of "Don't make someone your priority if you're just their convenience." Fits my situation perfectly, don't you think. So that's what I'm going to do. No more of this calling him all the time, e-mailing him, practically offering up a sacrifice to his gods in order to get him to hang out with me. If he really wanted to be around me, it wouldn't take so much convincing. Also, if he wanted to be with me, he has a phone and a computer and is perfectly capable of using them. So, until he gets off his ass and decides I'm worth the teensiest effort, I won't see or hear from him. I expect to not see him for quite a while. He has no problem not seeing me. He has a talent. Which is another major problem. He goes out of his way to NOT see me, yet continuously tells me he likes being with me, would like to be with me more.
DUMBASS. GIVE ME A BREAK.
You don't think I can't see through that one by now? I'm tired of working my ass off to make you like me. I deserve something more than that. It's a good thing he's not a boyfriend because if he ever was, he would no longer be that. He's also not a "friend with benefits" or a "fuck buddy" because if he had that distinction, he'd be a very bad one. He's not around enough to be that for me. Instead he's just floating around in the limbo of relationships. Sometimes I'm not even sure if he's a friend at all. Sometimes I think I'm feeling something a lot more. Then I come to my senses when he blows me off because his elbow hurts. (Yup, that was the latest excuse. He's not even trying to make them plausible anymore.)
But anyway. Classes start in about 2 weeks. Fun, fun. Work is just as it was when I left. Keeping me busy and all. The new apartment is pretty nice. Pain in the ass to move and get settled, but now that that's done and over with, I'm pretty happy with my life right now. Exception: men suck still, although at this point, I'm doing just fine without them. I plan to continue in this fashion for awhile, contrary to what I may say in chatrooms :-)
That is all.

France Trip 2003

What's Going On? France 2003 Events

Tuesday August 5th, 2003

Every day just seems to get longer. I think everyone is ready to go back home. So many people have been getting sick and going to the doctor lately. The whole not sleeping, eating shitty food thing has caught up with them I guess. I, on the other hand, feel just fine except for that hole in my elbow...don't ask...long story. Funnily enough, not involving a bit of alcohol. Sigh. So goes my life.
I have, admittedly, spent way too much time in the computer lab lately. I've been hanging out in the chat rooms. It amuses me. Plus, the labs are air-conditioned. LoL. I'd really rather hang with people online then the people who are here in front of me. Actually I think I've created some kind of perverted game. I see how long it takes for me to completely annoy the person who IMs me. Lots of times, it doesn't take long. I'm just my normal, ray-of-sunshine self and that seems to bug everyone. Oh well. I have an abrasive personality :-) tee hee. It's just wrong that I get so much pleasure out of making people hate me. Even if they're people I don't know and will never meet. Such power I wield. Muahahahahahahahaha.
Ugh. I still believe that somewhere on this planet lurk the people who are "My People." I know they're not in the mid-west where I live and now I know they're also not in California or Louisiana. Where to try next? Maybe Shara's right and I should just go find a different planet to live on.

Monday August 4th, 2003

I think at this point, my mind and spirit are back in Oshkosh and my body is just here in Montpellier, going through the motions of life. My heart isn't in it. Not that I was ever totally "gung-ho" about this whole thing. With the beginning of the new month, my brain just automatically goes to closing processes and then I just start thinking about work and how I should be there. I've also been obsessing nonstop about moving and my furniture situation. At first, I tried to enjoy being here and not think about all the crap that awaits me back at home. But, having failed miserably at that, I resort to living physically in one place while really being somewhere else. Not that anyone has taken any notice. I've contentedly taken my place once again as the outcast loner. I started the trip as such and have sucessfully done the whole 360 to end up as such. Aaah, life is so predictable.
Being here with very little to accomplish has give me WAY too much time to think. Not about anything in particular, although a few subjects did have a way of reappearing quite regularly. This is why I try to keep myself (insanely) busy. I don't like having the time to ponder things. It's just destructive. But, having this time, it seems like it's unavoidable that I'll go back to Oshkosh a slightly different person. It is not France that changed me. Don't be tricked into thinking that. It was my overzealous thought process that brought some things to my attention. Not to mention that I'm going back to a completely different life. A new house, a new roommate, a different look on my personal/romantic (if you want to call it that) life. I'm not really sure what to make of it all. In some ways these 5 weeks away were probably a good thing. Then again, I'm not sure my life was too bad in the first place. Oh well. Too late now.
I'm just looking forward to getting on that airplane on Friday afternoon, flying across the ocean, bumming around Atlanta for the night and then flying back to Milwaukee Saturday morning where I'll be met by David, who will drive me back to Oshkosh and in a way, back where and with whom I belong for the time being. There is no way I will ever go on any kind of "organized" - and I use that word lightly - trip or study thing such as this. Next time I travel, it will be me and perhaps one person who I can stand to be around for extended periods of time. This whole idea of being around strangers ALL THE TIME for FIVE WEEKS and just having to deal with them is not cool. Traveling alone seems like a much better option for me. I'm still just really pissed off that I spent over $6,000 to come here and be bored and annoyed by people in a crappy dorm with no laundry facilities in a horrible location and above all, not learn one thing of any use. Terribly disappointing. Tant pis. I've learned my lesson I guess. Now I can look forward to going home and paying for this "fun" for the next few months.
Ugh

Wednesday July 30th, 2003

Who knew doing absolutely nothing could be so fulfilling. For the last few days now, I've gone to class, ate lunch, hung out here at the lab for a while and then gone back to the dorm and sat in my room reading or sleeping. And it's been good. Screw socializing. People suck. For the last few days people have been partying and staying up late drinking and such. Blargh. No thanks.
Other than the fact that I'm always tired, nothing much has been going on. Although I could be wrong. I'm sure lots of wonderful events have taken place, but since I wasn't out and about to see them, there's no way that I could recount them to you. Tee hee.
We're at the home stretch now and supposedly I'm now going to realize that there's only a week or so left until we leave and suddenly be racked with panic that I haven't experience all I needed to. Yeah, right. I don't think I'll need to experience any more Turkish toilets or scary food with its eyes still on it. I also don't think I'll miss doing my laundry in the sink that doesn't plug closed. I won't miss the incredibly hot nights with no fan. I won't miss the loud, obnoxious people, I won't miss the rude French people.
Goodness, you'd think there'd be maybe one thing I'd miss, huh? I think I will, in fact, miss the pain au chocolat in the morning as well as the fact that I can lay around here doing nothing, whereas when I return home, I'll be running around like a chicken with its head chopped off for a week. My life sucks.

Monday July 28nd, 2003

This is directed to certain people who had the (mis)fortune to view this site and seemed to not like it too much:
Apparently France is not a free country. Or apparently people are not allowed to express themselves freely here. Or maybe it's just a New Orleans thing. Not being from UNO, I guess that excludes me from that, eh? The internet is a huge, vast area in which ideas and views are shared and communicated. If people can post pictures of midgets screwing horses, I sure as hell can post my thoughts on this program. But to make it seem like I care what the directors of the program think, you'll notice that I added that nice little disclaimer to the front page.
Applause, applause.
With that bull out of the way, let's get back to trashing the program. LoL. In all honesty, that's not at all what I had intented to do. I created this site in order to keep in touch with people back home. This quasi-journal would allow them to, in some way, experience this with me. I also didn't expect this whole experience to be what it has turned out to be. But let's not linger over that issue. This site is not meant to be some great academic project. Nor is it meant to promote UNO's "Glories of France" program (good thing, huh...) It is meant for friends and family back in WI and throughout the US. As the program winds down, it will also be a place where other participants can give their reaction to things and where people can find pictures of this place.
This trip has not been all fun and games. There would be no reason to give everyone the impression that it has been. Why lie? This particular section of this site is my own personal journal. It expresses my opinions and there's nothing anyone can do to change those opinions. If there are people I don't like who are on this trip and I feel like bitching about them, I will. I think it is much healthier to have some kind of outlet for these kind of feelings. I know for a fact that there are many others who feel the way I do about some things. The fact that I have somewhere PUBLIC in which to rant shouldn't be an issue. If you didn't want me saying this, you should have not created situations about which I would bitch.
Ok enough of that. I don't need to justify myself to those kind of people. In 2 weeks we'll be gone and I won't see y'all again. I won't miss you...
Now back to the real world...
Catherine visited this weekend and I think the less said about that, the better. Not that it was bad...We did get out to Collioure though, so I'm happy about that. Unfortunately it rained most of the day. Tant pis. We also saw a movie and I showed her the sights here in Montpellier. That's about it. Other than that we just hunted for food and sat around. Typical. The end is in sight. Only a couple weeks and it'll be back to normal. Looking forward to moving and shopping for furniture. Ugh.

Tuesday July 22nd, 2003

I found a computer in the school's lab that has Yahoo! Messenger on it. Now I'll just have to remember which one it is and always sit there. Tee hee. Now I can save my money and chat all night long too! LoL. Just kidding. I have better things to do with my time. Like sleep. I swear I got about 3 hours of sleep last night - at the most. It was sooooo hot. It's really hard to fall asleep with cicadas chirping and the sweat pouring down your body. I'd sleep naked and all, but who knows what kind of creatures would create some kind of residence in certain areas of my body if they're weren't closely guarded. Ewwwww. In any case, I'm going to be getting some food this afternoon and hopefully catching a bit of a nap also.
Midterms were today. They weren't too bad. Pretty simple actually. But that's definately a good thing. I wouldn't want to ruin my 4.0 French GPA because I went to France...that would be ironic...funny, but slightly annoying.
So, nothing else really earthshaking to report. Just basically hanging out at this point. No travel plans to worry about and nothing I really have to get done. Finding food and eating is incidential. Classes are no problem. My vacation has begun.
:-)

Monday July 21st, 2003

Insanity. Udder insanity. It seems to follow me around like a little lost puppy.
We went to Paris again this past weekend. We were just so thrilled to have a room with air conditioning that we spent the majority of the weekend sleeping in the hotel. Yeah, yeah, I know. What about all the great cultural experiences we missed...whatever. I'd already been there and gone to all the tourist traps. The Eiffel Tower is not suddenly going to get twice as big and be more interesting. Although we did get stuck in a rut. 2 nights in a row we just bought beer and ice cream and sat on the lawn in front of the Eiffel Tower and watched it sparkle on the hour. That was thrilling.
We also went up in this huge hot air ballon and got the bird's eye view of Paris. That was pretty cool. Other than that, we were content to do the French thing of sitting at a café watching people walk by. And sleep. Lots of sleep. And shopping. I bought nothing, being the poor college student that I am. I was just Shara's companion while we were appalled by what the French call "fashion." Seriously, how can people wear those kinds of things and still take themselves so seriously? Everywhere you look is a severe fashion faux pas and the French seem to pride themselves on it.
Of course, I, being the fashion expert that I am, have the authority to pass this kind of judgement.
Bien sur...
This week should be all fun and games again. Tonight we have some kind of guest reader followed by a wine and cheese reception. Hé, ça c'est très français, n'est-ce pas? Tuesday is the beach bus (on which I will not be) and then some big red beans and rice dinner thingy. That's a New Orleans thing I guess...bof. Wednesday is a field trip to Avignon. That papal city where the bridge stops in the middle of the river. Makes perfect sense to me. The religious leaders would get drunk on the sacremental wine and then wander off the end of the bridge into the river and drown. Seems appropriate... Aaaahhhh!!! The blasphemy!!!
Tee hee hee.
Catherine should be arriving here some time on Thursday, although I have not yet heard from her. I suppose I'll call them again this evening. Most everyone else is going on the optional weekend excursion, so I expect this weekend with her to be relatively uneventful. I'm hoping to maybe hop a train to Collioure so I can show her the wonders of the most beautiful city on the planet. Only 10€80 one way. That's très bon marché. Much better than the 83€-something for Paris. Spent too much money...so poor...
And now, some more riveting social commentary from Martha:Ok, it's not like I intentionally go into new things to see how long it will take before pretty much everyone hates me and I'm ostrasized from the group. This kind of thing really happens naturally. I have that kind of personality. This past weekend added to the list of people who don't talk to me, and more importantly (or not) talk about me behind my back. I truly feel sorry for them. Not because they no longer want to be in my presence (and that's a shame), but because they have nothing better to do than talk crap about me. Get a life. Grow up. I don't waste my time trashing people or worrying about what they think about me. If they don't like me, fine. That's really not my problem.
But this is not my point. I seem to be surrounded by petty people who find a creepy kind of pleasure in talking crap on a regular basis. I, for one, want no part in this. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to be asked about it later by someone else, possibly the person who was being trashed. So I've flat out told everyone that I will have no part in this continous battle of "He said, she said." We are not in France to have stupid arguments and try to one-up each other in a battle of wits. Trust me, if we were, I'd win anyways ;-)
This ends the social commentary. Thank you for your attention.

Tuesday July 15th, 2003

Hmmmm. Ever see those movies where they show the lovely brochure of some great vacation spot, and then when they get there, it's nothing like the brochure and it absolutely SUCKS? Not that I'm saying that I'm having that kind of experience...but...let's make a list of bad things that have happened so far:
Laundry: There are 3 washers and 1 dryer in the basement of the dorm. 2 of the washers don't work. Not that it would matter anyways, since you can fit about 2 shirts into the teeny tiny things. The dryer (the ONLY dryer), does not function at all. So, they suggest getting woolite type detergent and doing your wash by hand in the sink in you room. A few problems with that:1) My sink's drain does not go down to plug it. I tried it and it got stuck closed.2) I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to that laundry soap. I've been itching continously...3) The clothes don't dry overnight, no matter how dry they claim the climate is. It does NOT suck the water out of the clothes. Total bull. So you have clothes laying around the room all the time and by the time they're dry, you have ten million other things to wash and the cycle starts over again.So today we take a pilgrimage to the laudromat.
Food:There's a reason that people starting living in urban areas and hunting and gathering lifestyle kind of lost popularity. It's obnoxious spending every waking hour looking for food and always wondering where your next meal is going to come from. The dorm in which we live is in no way "centrally located." One must walk at least 5 blocks to get to any place with food, and that place is a tiny pizza joint. Centre Ville is more than a mile away and the closest supermarket is almost that far too. Buses run pretty consistently, but they stop at 8:30PM. This French idea of eating late and spending 4 hours on a meal doesn't work out too well when you have time restraints. It's not that we WANT to be rude Americans. We just don't want to have to walk a mile back to the dorm at 10PM.
And what is up with the rock hard bread and the creepy love of ham?
Bathrooms:Do French people collect toilet seats, because there never seem to be any on their toilets. That's just WEIRD.
OK, enough for now. I have better things to be doing than complaining. Like doing laundry or hunting for dinner...

Thursday July 10th, 2003

It's not that I'm being anti-social. Really, I'm trying very hard NOT to do that. I'd just rather hang out in the computer lab for 2 or 3 hours a day instead of being outside in the sun or in the (scary) dorm room where it's hot. It's a perfectly logical choice. Now if only everyone else would leave, I'd be happy. I don't want to mess with the computers and my camera when there are lots of other people here. Might look a little suspcious. I don't know what kind of security or freedom the students have with the computers here. They don't even have printers here, so probably not too much, eh?

Wednesday July 9th, 2003

Well the computer labs at the university are open, but they're not too great considering the password we were given didn't work so I just stole a computer that was already logged in. Heh, heh. It works, right? We've been given a lot of misinformation thus far. Sometimes it makes us wonder if these "guides" really have any idea what they're doing...
We went to the beach yesterday. It was ok, but nothing like Collioure. I'd like to possibly go there at some point. Maybe when Catherine comes. We're going to check out the train schedules and prices this afternoon and make some Italy plans. Sweet. In any case, things are still enjoyable despite the ignorance of the organizers. 5 weeks is really kind of a long time, but it seems to be going pretty slow, which is very cool. I have a lot more that I want to do before I have to leave. I'm getting pretty good at these keyboards too. Peut etre c'est plus facile d'écrire en francais quand on a une ordinateur francaise. Nope, guess not. LoL. I still plan to get to the café again to use chat access. And download/upload pictures. Look for me there around 2 or 3 PM sometime. Woo!

Monday July 7th, 2003

Well, I've found an internet cafe, so guess where I'll be spending a lot of nights (and euros.) LoL. These keyboards will take some getting used to, but it's been fun...I don't think the camera/photo album deal is going to work, but I'll still give it a shot next time I come in here. It's very reasonable - .90 euros/1/2 hr. So, this is limited, but check back...lots more to come. I'm having tons of fun so far. Woo! (It took me like a minute to find that exclamation point...) It's great!

July 2003

Thursday, July 3, 2003

Well, less than 24 hours. :-) Yahoo! And after these last couple days, I sure as hell need a vacation. Sigh. I left Berlin last night. Stayed at Kim's last night since Becky decided to move the futon (and everything else in the house) last night so I basically had to leave as well. Pfft. Bitch. Glad to be out of there. So tonight I get to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get all the loose ends tied up before I hop on a plane and leave my life for a month and a half. Woo! It's great! I can't wait!
Now if only this ear/throat infection/irritation would go away...grrrrr....
Today at work was just wild...so much to get done and I also want to leave a little early so I can get some traveler's checks. Yeah...it's fun. Poor Eric...:-) Well anyways. That's about all I've got to say. Next entry will be from la France...oui oui. Peut etre en francais aussi...c'est chouette, hein? Je sais que tous les personnes qui lisent cette page ne parle pas le francais, mais c'est MON site du web et je peux faire ce que je voulais...heh heh heh. Ca, c'est tout.

Monday, June 30. 2003

Good god...
I don't even know where to start. I don't even know if I want to try and revamp this past weekend. Fucking craziness. Makes me want to scream. Ok. Here goes.
So, this being my last weekend here for a while, I had made plans to spend Friday and Saturday evenings (after I was done at work) with John. He was supposed to call me Friday sometime. No surprises when the day went by and I heard nothing. No answer when I called. Ok then. So I went back to Berlin and went to bed. Woke up around 10 and as soon as my "roommate" got up, I left. Hung out at K-Mart for an hour and a half before punching in and working. Once again, no answer at John's when I called. This ticked me off more than a bit. So I called David up. When he answered his phone, I just couldn't bring myself to take the South Park exit to go to Berlin. So I kept driving and wound up in Sheboygan. I informed him of this and we met up and went to a bar for a little while. That was fun. Then I got back on the road around 2:30. This is where the fun begins. First of all, it was freakin' foggy as hell. Could barely see anything. At least there was no one else on the road to speak of. So that royally sucked. On 41, not too far from FDL, something (who knows what) darted out in front of me. Tha-thunk. Ooops. Must have been a pretty big something because my front bumper plastic crap there is torn to pieces and just kind of hanging there. Sigh. Then, practically the second I got onto 91, it started to torrentially downpour, adding to the impossible driving. I was kind of glad for this because if any blood or such from that roadkill incident had gotten on my car, this rain would get rid of it. I finally got into Berlin and back to the house around 4:30. Then I hopped in bed. I was awoken at about 10 AM by a big bang, thunk. And laughter. Apparently Becky had decided that this was a good time to be moving stuff. Ok then. When she left, I got up, showered, and once again hung out at work until I punched in.
Now, remember how I was supposed to be with John both Friday and Saturday nights? Now, being slightly ticked at the fact that he had apparently stood me up, I drove out to Neenah after work. I called him as I got off the highway to make sure he was there. He was, and as he said his dumb "hi, how are you" I knocked on his door and went into his room. There we proceeded to have an incredibly frustrating conversation which eventually turned into one of the best, most valuable conversations we've ever had. Although the fact that he was constantly trying to touch me wasn't helping. He was (and is) in no way forgiven or whatever for being a completely inconsiderate bastard. But it was nice that he finally talked to me about some things. Even so, John. You have to earn things yet. You're far, far, far away from being out of the woods.
Men.
So I stayed over by his house until 5 AM. Then I headed back to Berlin to shower and then I hopped back in the car and came up here to work. Trust me, I considered going to work straight from his house so I could sleep longer (Neenah is like 15 minutes from where I work) but I didn't want to come here are scrubby and nasty. So 45 minutes to Berlin and then an hour back here to Appleton. Berlin sucks ass. I saw some nasty hick with a freakin' cooler for a lunch box standing on the street this morning. I don't know what he was waiting for. I don't think Berlin has a bus system. Maybe the milkman swings by on his way to his second job shoveling cow shit and gives the boy a ride to his basket-weaving job. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Counting the days. It's at 3.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Well we sign the lease on Tuesday. Yay! "Everything's going so well!" Har har. We'll see if this weekend turns out to be as horrible as I expect it to be. Aren't I Miss Merry Sunshine. Maybe if I had a better attitude, my life would be less messed up.
Nah. I doubt it.
I got my plane tickets and luggage yesterday so after I move all my crap and pack, I'm all set. Other then those two things, there's not really much going on. Finding a house and finding a way to get out of the country was kind of all consuming lately. :-) John, darling...you'd better call me later. You don't want to see me ticked off at you right before I leave, now do you?

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Alrighty then. Life is never dull. That sucks. I want a boring life dammit. So, I leave the country in 9 days and this past week has just been a mess. Living with such certainty is great...not. Yesterday I went out with a friend on a whim and we got an apartment. Woo. August 1st it's ours (although, of course, I won't be back until the 9th.) So I'll be back up and running online all the time during the week after I return. Yay. Nothing like crappy people to make you all motivated to do what you really wanted to do in the first place. Needless to say, things have not gone well out in Berlin and I'll be moving my stuff to a different location before I leave. In the end, I think things have worked out pretty well though. Yay. We will be having an "apartment warming" party sometime in late August. E-Mail me for the address and date later. :-)

Friday, June 20, 2003

Ok, this merits 2 entries in one day. I work in an office environment. Yes, I even have a cube. How Dilbert. For about the last 45 minutes, people have been e-mailing back and forth practically the entire company. This is a big thing...since the "Company" is a conglomoration of lots of other companies and we all have the same e-mail system. Lots of people. Apparently someone hit "reply to all" on some mass e-mail from the IT people, and now everyone is replying to all. Every 2 seconds there's a new e-mail. "You've got the wrong one." was first. Then "Quit replying to all. Just reply to the sender." Then it was "I don't know you people. WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU E-MAILING ME?" Then came "Quit doing this. Stop it." Then it was "Ooh, this is entertaining. Who cares about the e-mail outage, let's go get drunk and celebrate." (I kid you not.) Then the people who were actually trying to work started getting hostile. "STOP SENDING E-MAILS. YOU'RE FILLING MY INBOX WITH UNNECESSARY CLUTTER." Then there were those who apparently had nothing better to do and said things like "Who wants a pint?" or "This is better than a soap opera." About thirty seconds ago, the Security Operator sent out an e-mail telling people to cut it out. I've received at least 10 e-mails since that. Some are "This is an entertaining Friday afternoon." One boasted that the sender was from Texas and he claims that things definately are bigger there. One suggested we send an e-mail to everyone in the US...oh wait! We already did... Others are progressively more hostile, telling people to get a life and get back to work. Aaah, another fun and exciting day at the office. :-)
Two weeks from now I'll be on an airplane. Woo! Now I just need to find some luggage somewhere...and I need to get the plane tickets. Supposedly they're sending them to me. Hrmmmph. Haven't gotten them yet. I'll give them a few more days and then I'll call...paranoia is great.
I had a "sigh" experience a few days ago. Now, 91 is not exactly the greatest road in the first place and lately it's been the deathbed of a lot (and I mean A LOT) of poor animals. And these animals can't die all gracefully and crawl to the side of the road and be neat about it. No...not this roadkill. These animals insist on being splattered across the highway, blood and guts all over the place. It's lovely. Nothing I'd rather see at 7 AM then the insides of a raccoon...YUCK!
Anyways, that's not the sigh part. I was driving home from work on Tuesday night. Now this drive sucks in and of itself because there are too many people on the highway at 10 PM. And they all drive slow. And they can't seem to remember how to turn off their high beams once they're on. Grrrr. Anyways, I'm driving, minding my own business and I see this enormous bug come towards my windshield. Ugh. I swear I could hear the *splat* as its guts were spewed onto my windshield. Left quite a puddle. To make things worse, it was totally right in my line of vision, so I had to look at the blob of bugs guts for 20 minutes. To make things worse yet, my windshield washer stuff doesn't work, so I couldn't try and power wash it off if I wanted to. I was stuck staring at the insides of the insect. And the final horrible detail is that every time a car came in the oncoming lane, the bug remains seemed to glow in their headlights. Ugh. That's so gross. It was quite distracting. Just makes you go "sigh." Driving sucks.
Don't even get me started on the retarded Berlin drivers. Just don't go there.
And don't get me started on the inconsiderate people of the world who don't know what it's like to have to get up at 6 AM to drive an hour to be at work by 8 AM and therefore don't really want to go out until 11:30 PM the night before and then have people talking and laughing outside their bedroom until 5 AM...NOT COOL. Going out just made me freaking crabby in the first place. That initial crabbiness with this new dying of tiredness will make me a joy to be around today, I'm sure. But I don't really care. I don't know why I even went with them. I was bored and would have rather been back in Berlin with my Dilbert book. People suck. Especially stupid, superficial people.
SIGH

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Moving sucked. Then there was the partying that followed. That didn't suck so much. Then there was the being sick for the rest of the weekend. That sucked. Aah, the rollercoaster of life. I don't even know what day it was. I had to look at the calendar and think too damn hard in order to get that heading right. Sigh. I'm back to my boring "I never do anything because I work 70 hours a week" life. Woo! And it doesn't help that no one calls me or e-mails me. So, even when I DO have free time with nothing else to do, I've just sat at home reading or zoning. I should be sleeping during those precious few hours of "me" time. Oh well. I'll sleep later. Sleep is overrated anyways. Why else would there be coffee and chocolate?
Sometimes I sit back and look at my life in a kind of objective way. I often ask myself, "How is this my life? What the hell happened?" This mainly depends on my mood though. Sometimes I'll be thinking, "Hey, life is pretty good. I'm lucky I have a good job and all these wonderful opportunities. I'm so blessed. Blah blah blah." On the other hand, sometimes I'll be thinking, "Damn, this sucks. I think I'll jump in front of a speeding Mack truck on the highway." Just kidding. If I were going to kill myself, I'd do it in a much less painful way - like overdosing on sleeping pills...or maybe something that makes me bleed a lot. I like seeing myself bleed. (Yee haw! There's a sadist in all of us...or is it a masochist. I don't know...I'm not a freak like you people are...)
By the way - my grades are in so I've updated my education section. I did pretty well this semester. Satisfactory, let's say. Sure, I could always do better but I think I've finally realized that it's better to do the best you can without stressing yourself out. I don't need to be perfect. It's not worth the effort. I tried all during high school to be perfect, mainly to compete with my siblings. But it's just not worth it anymore. Here I am, working my ass off to pay my own way through college since no one thought I was good enough to give money to. So why should I bust my ass even more to be overachieving when I do just fine with normal effort put forth? I won't complain if someone wants to hand me a few thousand dollars every semester though...I think a cumulative GPA of 3.8 after 3 years in college is pretty fucking good. Oh well. Life isn't fair. There will always be those who can drift through life on others. They suck.

Thursday, June 5, 2003

I have to move tomorrow. It's gonna be rough with no one to help me. I got spoiled last year. :-) This summer will be interesting. Should be fun though. Although I'm sure going to miss the internet. Call me or e-mail to keep in touch people. Also keep up with this site for news. Hopefully I'll be creating a special area for my France trip in the near future. Sigh. I got a monster cold sometime yesterday and I've just been feeling like crap. Why now? Makes no sense.
I need a man. But I've been instructed not to associate with any of the guys in Berlin. Probably wouldn't anyway. Damn hicks. (Hope none of y'all are offended by that. Oh wait a minute...I don't really care. Eat shit. LoL.) Why hasn't the Nyquil kicked in yet dammit. How am I supposed to sleep with a nose full of crap? Grrrrrr. My body hates me.
I mean it, people. Keep in touch. I don't want a boring ass summer. I have most Friday nights off, so that's your best bet to get in touch with me. SO DO IT!!!
Hopefully in the fall I'll be reconnected 24/7...See ya then.

May 2003

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Actually, that's a lie. It's 12:36, so it's really June 1st. But I'm lazy and didn't want to go and start the new page right now. Sigh. Once again, I should be sleeping. But what can you do? Insomnia is a strange thing. I have to move on Friday. Should be tons of fun. Not. Not really looking forward to it much, but I guess it gets me closer to leaving for France. Yay. Not that I'm at all prepared. I still don't know how I'm going to be getting to the airport. And I don't have any luggage. But I have my plane ticket, my living arrangements and my passport so it's all good. LoL.
I did ok this past semester. I seem to have gotten in a rut though. I just suck during Fall semester and can not seem to get on the Dean's List. Yet Spring poses no problem for that. Weird. Interim is over this next Friday. Three years down, 1 1/2 or 2 more to go. Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
I went out to Park Central and Route 66 in Appleton last night. Doing that just reminded me of why I never go out. I've distanced myself so much from my peer group that it's just impossible to try and fit in with them anymore. Loud music, a smoky atmosphere and people lamely attempting to call swaying and gyrating back and forth dancing is not really for me. This is why I spend a lot of time alone in my room. Last night, not only did I feel like an imposter, but the whole experience wasn't too good for my self esteem. I in no way believe myself to be a knockout. Even attractive is too much. But I didn't think I was hideous. Yet, not one person attempted to approach me in any way all night long. That's just depressing. I guess once you remove the "I'm easy, come and get it" badge from your shirt, all men lose interest.
You know that part in The Wedding Singer where Julia says she's doomed to wander the earth alone forever. Well, that's gonna be me folks. Just as any girl does, I used to dream about my great future. Happy life, husband, the requisite 2.3 children and all. Then elementary, middle and finally high school taunts, teasing and torture shattered all those hopes. Children can be cruel. The fact that I have no real friends and I've only dated one person doesn't really help much either. I just seem to be someone that people can forget about really easily. I often say that I realize that no one really cares. Then people I'm talking to go ahead and say "Sure we care." Ha. Stock answer people. I can't think of one person that I would call if shit went down. Sure, there are the people I talk to about my stupid actions or the people who seem to be entertained by the sordid details of my life. But these relationships are by no means deep. The one person I felt I had some kind of deeper connection with has just kind of fallen out of my life. Sad thing is I don't seem to care too much at this point. Back a few years, I had decided to eliminate all the people in my life that caused me stress because it was just getting ridiculous. It didn't exactly go as planned, but even so, not many people remain. I barely ever talk to anyone from the first 17 years of my life. Those that I do (who aren't related to me at least) I usually just talk to out of some feeling of obligation. I feel no real connection to them. None of them had made any real impact on my life and I'm sure I've made no difference in theirs. My complete lack of empathy and any kind of social graces has made me a very bitter and anti-social person. I'm well aware that there are a lot of people out there whose lives suck more then mine. I'm not looking for sympathy. That would just be fake anyway.
Sigh. Self psychoanalysis can be boring. Once again, I'll just blame it on my parents. They moved to Wisconsin for some reason and chose to stay there. Why? Wisconsin sucks people. Yet, it's my own fault for not getting out after high school. I could have gone to a different college. Still, I anticipate leaving some day soon so therefore I see no point in making any kind of lasting friendships while I'm still here. No one likes me anyway. I'm sarcastic and insulting to everyone. I'm snobby and uptight. I'm better than everyone. I'm a bitch. Yup. Wear it with pride ladies! Lately, guys also have had the tendency to inform me that I'm a lesbian. Now, it may just be my bad short-term memory, but I don't recall eating any pussy lately...Here's a tip boys: just because I won't get naked and ride you like a pony doesn't make me a lesbian. It makes me have some class. Ugh.
Ok, enough. I need to sleep eventually and sitting here in front of the computer, blabbing on this webpage isn't going to help with that at all. It'll just raise my blood pressure.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Yikes a rama! This is finals week people! I've already taken two of my exams and I have a third one tonight. Wahoo! It'll be great fun. But right now, I'm totally busy so I can't write anything substantial. :-)

April 2003

Tuesday, April 29, 2003:

Argh. I want the semester to be over. I want my college education to be complete. I want to be able to retire already and just sit and lounge. That would be so nice. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen any time in the near future. Grrr. I've had a few depressing days all in a row so I'm not feeling too great about myself right now. All these guys I chat with online tell me I'm hot. You don't think I can see right through your ploy to try and get me in bed? Sad boys...so sad. I've been up and down THAT block. I'm the master of being used. And that's a bad thing.
I'm well aware that there are plenty of girls out there that are better looking then me. Granted, most the guys I chat with would never have a chance in hell of getting anywhere with them. So, it's Martha who is hot now...because she might be desperate enough to give in to you. Not. Dream on. There are a lot of reasons why I won't be screwing half the population of the Fox Valley. One happens to be self-respect. Why don't you go and find some of that?
I've been having weird cravings lately. I can't seem to get enough pickles either. I've gone through 2 big-ass jars of those whole dill ones in about a week. AAAAHHHHH. My room permanently smells like pickles because I spilt some of the juice on my carpet. Kinda nasty sometimes. Makes ya wonder.
Or not.
I don't care.
Ever notice that sometimes, the harder you try to get rid of someone, the more they cling? Admittedly, I haven't been in the best mood for quite a while. So maybe they don't notice me being bitchy. In any case, it's really annoying. I don't want to come out and say "You're a loser and you bore me to death. Go away please." That's mean. A little harsher then I'd want to be. Even if it's the complete and udder truth. Sometimes things need to be sugar-coated. Like M&Ms. Yum...chocolate. Damn you hormones!!!

Monday, April 21, 2003:

Argh and a half. The semester is over in four weeks. Woo! I make my final payment for France on Wednesday. Yay! Everything's going so well!.
Ok. Enough exclamation points. I was starting to scare myself. I got myself a digital camera on Friday. Although now I'll have no excuse for not having recent pictures. I may have shot myself in the foot with that one. :-) I plan to use it while in France and have updated pics of my time there on this website. If things go as planned that is. I'm hoping they'll have some kind of software there (although I'll take my CD-rom with me in case they'll let me install it there.) It'll be so cool. Kind of like a live, up-to-date trip album. :-) It will be like you're all there with me. LoL. Unless I find something (or someONE har har) better to do than upload pictures. Although if I don't get memory cards, I'll have to unload at sometime.
Yawn. So tired. Our general ledger system at work has been down for almost a week now. I'd really rather sleep in tomorrow and work on my papers, but I suppose I'll get up and drive to Appleton and do busy work for a few more hours. Sigh. It's kind of annoying, but it really shows you how much we depend on computers and technology of that sort. Same thing happened when the power went out. There's not much to do without the computer and network.
I think I may have done something stupid. And for those of you who just said "So what else is new?" this is something more stupid then usual. I'll keep you posted on the status of my stupidity (that is, whether what I think may have happened actually does.) Life is always boring but never dull.

Monday, April 14, 2003:

No time for hate mail, yet you had time to send a worthless e-mail that basically said nothing? Hrmmm. Interesting. And with that, I will get on to more important things.
We're at 24 days and counting. Woo! This semester has flown by. It's great. Soon July will come and I'll so be outta here! It's going to be soooo hard to come back here after being in France for 5 weeks. It will be traumatic. Which is why I'm taking a week off of work after I get back. Jet lag and all. I'm sure I won't want to adjust...it was bad enough 5 years ago. This time it will be much worse since my opinions of the United States and all it seems to stand for these days have just gotten worse in that time. Sigh. I still think I should just accidentally lose my passport and hide out in France for the rest of my life.
Well I have an exam to take so this entry has to be short. Y'all could wish me luck, but I don't really need it. ;-P How's that for being stuck up?

Thursday, April 10, 2003:

Well, now that the month is almost half over, I've finally gotten around to moving March to the archives and getting April in gear. Argh. The semester is over in about 5 weeks. That's frightening. Mind you, this is because I have too much shit to do in those 5 weeks, not because it's scary that classes will be over soon. Presentations, papers, exams. The fun never ends. Once again though, I must say that compared to last semester, this semester has been a breeze. This is true for a few different reasons...I'll never forget. It's always in my mind no matter what I'm doing. It's annoying. But I suppose it's a good thing. Add it to my list of psychoses that I have.
I've finally become annoyed with all the junk mail that's being sent to my e-mail account under my father's name. I have no clue why, but I keep getting all these "Alan, Finance your mortgage at the lowest rate ever" and "Lower your debt, Alan" e-mails. I'm not sure if at one time he used my e-mail address for something (I can't imagine why he would have) or what happened there. It's just annoying as hell.
I think I may have finally gotten over my "perpetually pissed off for a month" kick. That was kinda horrible. I (half-heartedly) apologize to anyone I might have offended while I was in my crabby state. This past weekend helped me mellow out. Had the whole weekend off, went out Saturday for a friend's 21st. It was all good. I still didn't sleep enough though. Damn the late night sitcoms!
Now that I'm no longer crabby, I think now I'm overly paranoid. I always feel that someone is watching me or judging me. I also have this weird feeling about some people I talk to online. Hmmm. Maybe it's just my normal paranoia, or maybe not. Usually I always think everyone is staring at me. Not out of vanity. Trust me, I'm not vain. I have severe self-esteem and self-image issues too. I just always think that people in cars driving down the road are staring at me if I'm walking on the sidewalk there. I've got some documented cases where I swear the driver's head turned all the way around as their car passed me. I WASN'T JUST IMAGINING IT! I SWEAR! I just don't really trust anyone right now. I get the feeling someone is playing me. I don't even know why. Let's hope the female intuition is way off here.
And just to piss him off, I will refuse to say anything at all about what happened with David on this website. We'll see if he is continuing to read this...send me some nasty hate mail or an e-mail bomb if you are...

March 2003

Monday, March 31, 2003:

I'd write something, but I've been so crabby and pissed off that I'd probably better just not write anything. I've had the knack for ticking people off lately.

Thursday, March 27, 2003:

Men. I tell ya. Politicians wonder why people don't respect them. Ok...maybe this would explain it:
Here at UWO, the student is governed by OSA - the Oshkosh Student Association. It's bicameral and all that good shit. Last year, I had the pleasure (ha) of getting messed up with one of the senators. It was not cool. Well, it started out being cool but just turned weird. I still thought it was cool that I could say I'd "slept with a senator." Tee hee.
But then last night, I further lost my faith in government. I met a guy online again. Agreed to meet him. I could sware I knew him, but it wasn't until I saw him that I realized he was also an OSA senator. Now, it's not really my objective to fuck all the senators, but it doesn't appear that that would be too much a challenge. Are they really that desperate? I just think that's pathetic! This is not to mention that the OSA PRESIDENT! got cited for disorderly conduct. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WAY TO SET AN EXAMPLE BOYS.
And we wonder why democracy doesn't work. If the "leaders" could keep their dicks in their pants and the alcohol out of their body, maybe this country would stand a chance.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003:

Well, I accomplished absolutely nothing during spring break. That figures. Wouldn't want to use my time wisely or anything. So now I get to haul ass to get things done. Too many papers and exams coming up too soon. Argh. Yet I still insist on wasting my time watching the Oscars and Miss USA. Sigh. I'm an idiot.
And you'd better not have just agreed with that last statement. Only Martha can dis Martha. Grrrrr.
Other than my total lack of motivation, not much has happened. I got bills up the wazoo for France and all that jazz. It's so much fun. I also got the news that apparently Oshkosh doesn't value me enough to give me some money to keep me here. The bastards. I get invited to be in the freakin' business honors society but I'm not good enough for scholarship money. What a crock.
Well, I await the next time that I spend time with a certain friend. This time it will involve whipped cream, handcuffs and a blindfold...Call me when you have time for me :-) I still don't understand why guys constantly blow me off for other things. I don't get it. I'm not that scary, am I? What upstanding male (no pun intended) would rather do practically anything than have sex? That's just not right. Where are all the guys without priorities? ARGH!
Sigh...Men...

Thursday, March 20, 2003:

Dammit. Spring Break is almost over and I've accomplished absolutely nothing. That really sucks. So much for using my time wisely...I haven't even slept a lot either. It was sooooo hard to get up and come to work this morning. My alarm went of at 6 and I was like, "Noooooo!" and then I looked out the window and saw the fog. Argh. This weather sucks. Around 10 there was this huge thunderstorm burst. When it rains here, it's freakin' loud. The roof must be metal or something. Plus, all the walls are windows, so it's like being inside a huge carwash. I have this fear of carwashes, so this is not a particularly good thing. Thank goodness my cube doesn't have a window. (I'm a lowly intern - I do not merit such prestige...)
Tomorrow is my other day with nothing to do. I'd better get moving and do some research for my papers. Otherwise bad things will happen later on. Not that they won't anyways...We all know I'm going to sit in bed all day tomorrow watching talk shows and eating Cadbury eggs. I just have to say this - the only good thing about Easter are the Cadbury eggs. I'm an addict. Especially the caramel ones. Yum...They're kind of pricy - around 40 cents a piece, but they're worth it. That and those Reeses peanut butter eggs. I have this weakness for chocolate sometimes. Heh.
I had an interesting week so far...especially yesterday. I'm still not quite sure what that was all about. But it was fun, so I'm just gonna go with it. I spent about 4 hours with my previously estranged friend...sigh. Needless to say, it was lots of fun but I could have had some more. :-) Since then I've been discovering lots of little bruises all over my body. SWEET! You know you've been doing something right (or at least something fun) when you find bruises in weird places. Tee hee. Oh gosh. I should get back to work before my mind goes south and I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh. I think it's too late...

Sunday, March 16, 2003:

Spring Break is here. Yay. Can you feel the excitement radiating from my website? Yeah...Spring Break for me doesn't mean beaches and suntans and anything like that. It means work and writing papers. My life blows. Although I plan to be sleeping a lot in this next week. I'm not working any more than any other week (that is, no extra hours just because I don't have classes) so I will have a lot of free time. :-) Although they say an idle mind is the devil's playground...I guess I should clear out so he can move on in. Tee hee. I'm pretty sure he's already somewhat of a regular there though. Some of my thoughts are so evil...So dirty...They have to have some source...I can't be coming up with them all by myself. No one is that hormonal...I hope.
Speaking of being hormonal, I fully intend to start my new page concerning all the funny, disturbing and just plain interesting experiences I've had in the world of interaction between genders. Mind you, names will not be used and it won't necessarily just be a sex diary. For being such a young thing, I have a lot of weird stories to tell and I think it will be educational for everyone to hear them. Plus I think people enjoy my stories. I'm a fascinating person. :-)
Well, leaving y'all with that cliff-hanger. Check back in a bit to read my expose on my sex life. Yeah...Woo!

Thursday, March 13, 2003:

WOO!
Alrighty. Now that I got that out of the way... Sometimes I wonder if I was dropped on my head as a baby. I mean more than the times I've already been told about. (lol) Sometimes the things I do just don't make any sense. There's no explanation. It just freaks me out. I'm an insanely logical person. Practically a Vulcan. So when even I can't explain why I did something, it's a reason for concern. Lately life has been throwing lots of curveballs at me and I don't know whether I've been making the right "snap decisions." Not that there's much I can do about it at this point. Still, food for thought. Speaking of food. I'm hungry.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. Tomorrow will be the 4th weekend in a row that I'll be going out drinking. And I usually end up drinking enough to safely say that I'm trashed. This is particularly disturbing because I'm almost always driving...oops, my bad. It's just really difficult when no one else has a car or gas in their car. Hopefully tomorrow I can get someone else to drive. The one really great thing about being a female alcoholic is that it's not expensive. I can go out and not spend a dime and still get completely plastered. I suppose it is slightly shameless to sweet talk old, lonely, drunk men in order for them to buy you a drink. But if they didn't want to be scammed, they shouldn't go to the bars. ;-) I'm having way too much fun misusing my feminine charm. Tee hee. I love it!

Tuesday, March 11, 2003:

I think I got a papercut on my tongue...Cuz it hurts...a lot...dammit. I hate that. I'm so tired. So very tired. Even though I went to bed at 9 on Sunday night and last night I was out by 10:30, I'm still VERY tired. Grrrr. That sucks because right now I really need a lot of motivation to get moving. It is definately not the time to slack off. Yawn. But it's just so much easier to come home and lay down. Homework blows. But I gotta do it. I've just been so worn down lately. Emotionally and now physically. Needless to say, this past weekend didn't exactly help alleviate any of that stress I've been having. Fortunately I don't think it made it worse though. Just about the same, although the sources of stress are all different. Sigh. My life - what a drama.

Monday, March 10, 2003:

Ugh. What a mess. I'm not even going to attempt to bring y'all up to speed on what has been happening in the last week. Sigh. My life is a fucking soap opera...but I don't get paid enough to be in it. So it goes I guess. Spring Break is next week and I'm totally looking forward to it. I need a vacation. Granted, this definately won't be a vacation per se, but it'll be close enough. I have no intention of working any more than I normally do, which will give me lots of time to SLEEP!!!!! Sleep is good. I think I'll get to that right now actually. Another thing that's really good is Tylenol PM. I'm their perfect spokesperson. And it's not addictive or anything. Yeah...I can fall asleep without it...

Tuesday, March 4, 2003:

I think it's really sad when you get so tired of someone that you just don't care anymore. They may have been someone who was very important and had become someone special in your life. Unfortunately they either didn't realize this or they just didn't care. Most people are incredibly selfish. They don't realize that other people have problems too. They're not the only ones who have crappy lives. Other people work, go to school and have kids. That's no excuse for treating me like crap. I don't appreciate it and I think I've taken it for far too long as it is. When I express that I need to have a talk and you give me a time in which to do it, I expect you to actually stick to that and show up. This kind of thing is very important to me and if you don't see that, then you're not worth the breath required to talk to you anyway. I deserve a hell of a lot better. I know that I was probably just seen as a few body parts that guys seem to like. But that's not what I saw. If this is all due to a misunderstanding of expections, that just sucks. If I wanted a "friends with benefits" type relationship, I wouldn't have sat there and listened to your bullshit or slept at your house or a lot of other things. If all I wanted was sex, I would have come over, had my way with you and left. It should have been obvious that since I didn't have sex with you every time I was there, that's not what I was after. And although you claim to be my friend, it seems like right now, that was all you were after. And don't give me that bull about how you didn't always get yours and I got mine. That was not my fault. It was generally your idea and you claimed to like it. I refuse to take the blame for any more of your ridiculous complaints. I've had enough. Now I understand why you couldn't stay married. I even understand why one of your exes is now a lesbian. You don't treat the women in your life with much consideration. You may think you're a god because you can get them off. You don't realize that what's important to women is not what happens in the bedroom. It's practically impossible to sleep with someone (and ONLY THAT ONE PERSON) for more than 9 months and not have some kind of emotional attachment to them. That's just the way the human body works. I can't help it if my body dictates what I feel sometimes. I tried so hard not to get too into this because I knew that eventually this would happen. It's happened before. This is why I have such major trust issues. I keep getting sucked into shit like this and it always blows up in my face. I'd like to say that I'm going to give up on guys for awhile. I'm emotionally drained. In the recent past I've had a lot of really mean things said to me. And I'm sure he didn't even notice he was hurting me by saying them. He had a habit of talking out of his ass and I had to try and weed out what he really meant and what he was bullshitting. After a while, it's hard to tell if he really means what he says. It's hard enough for me to trust anyone in the first place. But when I do, it's even worse when I find out they were lying to me. That breaks down the entire concept of trust.
I'm just tired. John, you fucked up, I'm sure you'll never read this, I'm sure you'll never call me or even attempt to get in touch because you just don't care and you don't understand. You had been someone who was very important in my life, but I just can't deal with your bullshit anymore. Woe to the next unsuspecting woman who falls prey to your slick pick up lines. Good bye...

Monday, March 3, 2003:

Hell week has begun. I have 5 exams this week. Yeah, that's right. 5. That really sucks. And I've just lost my motivation. Sigh. How many more weeks are left? I need a vacation. Between classes and the pile of shit my life has become, it's not too fun for me right now. Hopefully things will get better soon. I don't need so much crap all at once. There's only so much one can take. So far I've been pretty lucky because whenever it threatens to overwhelm me, someone has been there to pull me back up. Eventually there won't be someone there though. Just a warning to all of you. Just so there are no surprises when that happens. You have been warned. I know none of you care enough for it to make any difference, but I felt like saying that anyway.

Saturday, March 1, 2003:

Ugh. Too much alcohol! It's kind of nice being older than most my friends because I get to go and celebrate the birthday thing lots of times. But it also means I get trashed too often. Heh. And I'm always the driver. Not cool. But I'm still alive, so it's ok.
Men suck even more, if that's possible. I'm ready to just give up again. One would rather clean his house than hang with me for a bit. The other just "didn't want to" go anywhere. Pfft. Lameasses. Who needs 'em? Of course, then there's the other one who unfortunately had to work last night. Oh, the things I would have done to him if he'd come up here. Oooh! Let me know when you have off, and I'll so be there... :-) I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I really don't think it should be so hard to find a decent guy. I'm not that fat and scary looking. It's completely unfair that I'm doomed to be alone forever. Grrrr.

January-February 2003

Thursday, February 27, 2003:

Sigh. And men wonder why there are so many lesbians out there? It's their fault dammit. If men ever acted towards women the way women do towards each other, the world would be perfect. I think guys are just missing that part of the brain that would make them considerate and observant. It's frustrating and there's no excuse for it. Don't blame genetics or your physiology. It's your own fault you're a dumb ass and keep fucking up. Don't hide behind science.
On a completely different note - We got the house and they start moving in tonight. I won't be moving until May. It's just more convenient to stay on campus until the semester is over. Ok...so I just don't want to have to get up an hour earlier so I can find a parking spot. I'm lazy...We'll be painting for quite a while. The whole house...Not the best thing to be doing in the middle of winter, but if I all of the sudden disappear, you'll know I inhaled too many paint fumes. :-)
I'm seriously broke. Between just paying tuition and my France payment being due soon, I'm not going to have any money for about a year. I'll probably get more debt...Stupid government. You'd think they'd realize they're messing everything up by cutting education funding. That's incredibly stupid of them. Yes, let's improve life and make the world a better place by producing even MORE morons. Yeah...that'll work. Good plan. They say stupid people shouldn't breed. But I don't know who else will be left soon. Probably a lot of foreign people who don't speak English and who haven't figured out the whole "sex gets you pregnant" and "for the love of god, use birth control" deal. (No...that wasn't racist at all...) You'd think "condom" would be an internationally recognized word by now. Sigh. That's my social commentary for the day. Tune in tomorrow for my views on another pressing topic of international politics.

Monday, February 24, 2003:

Why do I go into chat rooms? Yeah, I know I'm bored, but do I really want all the shit that undoubted ensues after a visit to the rooms? Some people just don't get that I'm not interested in them. I'm so far above most the types that hang out in those rooms it's not even funny. I'm not out there looking for a piece and I'm not interested in talking to someone who is.
THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX DAMMIT!
Trust me, at one time I would have thought otherwise. We all do dumb things at some point. But right now, empty sex with strangers just isn't too appealing. So just leave me alone people. I don't want to talk to you.
There are a few people right now who are just ticking me off.
I've come to respect myself enough that I don't feel that I should have to be objectified and sink down to their level. I did not buy a webcam so every lameass guy on the planet could ask if I'd get naked for them. I've been in this crabby, bad mood for about 2 weeks now and there's no end in sight. That sucks.
Thursday, February 20, 2003:Gosh, life is weird. First, on Tuesday I got nominated to be a member of the business Honors Society (Beta Gamma Sigma I think.) That was pretty cool. Then I got asked to do someone's taxes. Hmmmm. They're going to pay me...so that could be cool. Strange...
I just got a humongous paper cut from a stack of paper I was going through. That sucks. It's bleeding and it hurts like hell. Once again, I don't really want to be here. I'm always so tired...Although this time it is my fault. I stayed up until around 1AM, chatting. I don't know why. That was dumb of me. Oh well.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003:

I don't want to be here (at work, that is.) I want to be lazy and sit around all day in my underwear, eating M&Ms and watching talk shows. Grrrrr. I need a vacation. Granted, my life is a lot less stressful this semester than it has been for quite awhile. But I'm still just wanted to lounge around and do nothing for awhile. Life is unfair. I paid my tuition on Friday, so now I have no money. And I have the second payment for France due in about 2 weeks. Fun, fun. I filed my taxes online so that should help, the refund and all. But the FAFSA people insist on making my life miserable with this dependent shit. I have to fill it out by hand since they won't let me be independent while doing it online. The government really overestimates the support that parents give their kids. Or maybe it's just my parents. Either way, that ticks me off. Financial Aid is a pain in the butt. I've filled out applications for the COBA scholarships, but I really don't expect to get any of them. You'd think with my grades and my credentials, SOMEONE would want to help put me through college. But NO! They just want to make Martha work her ass off to go to a shithole school. It's so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I bother...

Sunday, February 16, 2003:

Argh. I drank WAY too much last night. That's for damn sure. I don't even know why. I went to Sheboygan to go to a friend's wedding. I somehow ended up at a different friend's house, drinking it up. Then I ended up going to 3 or 4 bars with yet another friend. Argh. I spent too much money too. Why? Why? Let's make an inventory of what I had last night just for shits and giggles (and FYI - I was the designated driver):
1) Started with an entire bottle (yeah, one of those big ones) of Boone's Farm Strawberry Daiquiri.2) Moved on to a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.3) Had about 1/2 a bottle of Bacardi Silver. Didn't like it much.4) Drank a bottle of Skyy Blue. That was pretty good.4) Moved to some UV vodka and lemonade. Mixed it myself. Not too strong, but strong enough :-) Drank about 1/2 that cup before we left.6) Went to the store to get more alcohol. Yeah, we're a bunch of lushes. 7) Drank a few sips of Mike's Hard Iced Tea. Didn't care for that much either.8) Went to 2 bars then. Got a Captain and coke at both of them.9) Went back to the house. Drank the rest of my UV and another Smirnoff Ice.10) We decided to go to a bowling alley so we 21 yr olds could drink while the others bowled. 11) At the bowling alley I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose (that stuff is GOOD!) and a Sex on the Beach.12) Went back to the house. Dragged my one friend home. Said goodnight to the others and drove back home to Oshkosh.
Now, I never really considered myself that much of a drinker. Granted most of those things are pretty light. 5% flavored beers and all. But I was drinking my friends under the table (excluding one.) That's just wrong. I find it interesting that the people who talk big about drinking all the time tend to be the ones to get trashed the fastest. It's all in your head...I drank all that in about 5 hours and still drove all the way back home. Sigh. My poor liver. Oh yeah! I also had two mudslides at Applebees earlier in the evening.

Thursday, February 13, 2003:

I feel like freakin' Winnie the Pooh with that obnoxious "little black raincloud" hovering over my head. Unlike Pooh, I am not going to launch into a song about it. Dammit I'm crabby. My body hates me, my life leaves quite a bit to be desired and I just want to scream.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Not one of my favorite, let me tell you. I've never ever had someone special on this day. 20 years now. That's extremely depressing. This year I'm not quite sure what's up. I think that on Sunday he made it abundantly clear that this is not a "relationship." I'm not sure what it is then. I suppose one could see it as a "friends with benefits" deal. I think there's more to it than that, but that could just be my emotional girly side talking. I still have plans with him tomorrow night. I've been putting off having that kind of serious discussion for a long time now. I'd really rather not know if he has no feelings for me and no intention of ever developing them. It's not that I want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And it's not that I don't want to be alone. I don't know what it is. I just get too into things on a regular basis and it sucks. Whenever he fucks up and does things that a "girlfriend" would complain it about, it seems like I'm always PMS-ing or something. He's just got really bad timing. Therefore, I either yell and scream and take his head off or I fall apart at the seams and bawl my eyes out. I'm not sure if it's because I feel I should have the same rights and expectations of a girlfriend even though that's not really what I am or if it's just hormones that make me uncontrollable.
Him having kids makes things a lot harder, I'm sure. And our busy schedules just don't work out too well. But it just always seems like I'm trying so much harder than he is. I make time for him but he doesn't seem to reciprocate. He thinks that just because he does certain things for me that makes him a hero and removes some of his responsibilities for other things. Sorry boys - just because you can please a woman in bed doesn't mean that you get to forget about all the other things girls like. That isn't enough. Now, I'd drop everything, including homework (possibly excluding work, because I don't want to be fired) if he wanted to see me and hang out or something. He doesn't do the same for me. If he has the option to stay at home studying or playing Dominoes or see me, he'd choose one of the first two. He's come to my dorm once since September. I think he's picked me up and taken me to a about 3 or 4 times. Every other time it has been me making the effort, driving out to his house. That seems slightly unequal to me. I bring this up every once in a while and you wouldn't believe the excuses he pulls out of his ass. He's got a least 3 for everything I complain about. To bad they're all so fucking lame that I don't believe any of them.
See. I'm crabby. There was one particular day that I remember. I was looking forward to seeing him because it had been awhile and I could use some loving. When he finally calls me that night he says he's tired and is going to study, have a drink and then go to sleep. I'm like, "oh no you're not. I'm coming over." He says he doesn't want me to. He needs to study. Now, we both know perfectly well that he's just going to sit there watching TV. So I complain and bitch etc, etc, etc. Finally I just said, "I'm a horny, premenstrual young woman who needs some of your beef right now." That shut him up. He still didn't want me to come over though. "Tomorrow. I'll rest up tonight so I'm not tired then." Whatever.
OK. This is definately not alleviating the crabbiness. I'd better stop.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003:

Well then. I'm such a cynical person that I always expect the worst and I always anticipate being let down. I never make plans because I know that if I do, they won't work out and I'll be disappointed. I find it absolutely amazing that no matter how little I expect from the people around me, they give me even less than that. I just don't understand it. I'm sure there have to be people in the world who care. They just don't happen to be anywhere near me. I have those who say "I care, really I do. You can talk to me about anything. I'm your buddy, above all." Yeah...ok...There are a few problems with that:
#1. Yeah, I can talk to you, but when I do, you don't listen anyways so what's the point? I'd just be wasting my time and breath.#2. Even if you started out listening to me, you'd get distracted in about 30 seconds and start messing with things around you (your lighter, fingernail clippers that have been next to your bed for ages, etc.)#3. If you managed to remain relatively attentive for more than 30 seconds, you'd begin to interrupt me. When you interrupt, it would be about some seemingly related topic, but would all of the sudden end up somewhere completely different. I don't know exactly why this happens because then we never talk about what I started out with.
Yet you complain that I don't talk to you. I don't really think that it's my fault...
And now you've given me a 10-minute time limit. Sigh.
Every once in a while I falsely believe that things will change and my life will go the way it was supposed to. I have an irrational hope that maybe that thing I know will happen to fuck things up won't really happen. I have had too much damn bad luck already and I think it's very unfair that I seem to get it all and other people don't get any of it. Sure, maybe some of you would say I'm being tested or some shit like that. I don't really appreciate it too much.
I've always presumed I'd end up alone in life. I've never had a lot of friends and I most certainly don't have any kind of tight circle of support. I can count the number of people on the earth that don't annoy me to death using barely more than one hand. The problem with this is that most people don't understand it. I turned 21 a few days ago and when I said "My birthday is Sunday" everyone automatically asks "so where are you going to go? gonna get trashed?"
NO! I WILL NOT CONFORM DAMMIT!
I hate Wisconsin. I'm lactose intolerant, don't eat meat I don't drink beer and I hate the Packers. I'm not too fond of the US most of the time either. My 21st birthday to me didn't mean going out and drinking too much. I, for one, don't really like barfing my guts out. I'm not into the bar scene and I will probably rarely go to them.
I hate stupid people and unfortunately most of y'all here in WI, the midwest and the US are imbeciles. I'm tired of 1) having to fall to your level in order to have a conversation that you understand and 2) trying to bring you up to my level, which never works. I've been made fun of all my life for one thing or another. I've never fit it. My last attempt to do that was last year. I ended up making a lot of bad decisions and just hating who I turned into. So I stopped trying and once again said "fuck the world."
I don't care what you think of me and yes, I am better than you. If you don't like me, oh well. I'm not out to make friends. I've found that 99.99999% of the people here are false and two-faced. I hate stupid people, but I hate fakes even more. I say what I mean. I don't lie or exaggerate. And I don't appreciate when other people do.
I'm just in a really bad mood. I think I'll stop now.

Sunday, February 9, 2003:

Well, here it is. My 21st birthday. Not much has happened of much importance thus far. I spent last night watching TV. I had a little vodka but that's about it. Stayed home. No bars. Got a little loving and then came home this morning and watched Spongebob. Took a nap, got up and showered and now here I am.
I've got no plans for anything tonight yet. I hope to get out to Applebees and have a mudslide the way it was intended to be. Yummay! I'm also hoping that a friend or two will take me out somewhere. That'd be fun.
But I absolutely WILL NOT do any homework today...
None
Maybe I'll have more interesting things to write later, but I warned y'all that this would be an anti-climax...
Thursday, February 6, 2003:Argh. Time drags. Just wait until after Sunday. Then whenever the time seems to be dragging, I'll go out and buy some booze and then time will FLY baby! Yeah!
Just kidding. I have no plans of becoming an alcoholic. No one ever plans to do that...:-)
I've been sitting around for most of the morning messing with MS Access files. No one here seems to know very much about Access and since I'm here to learn (scoff) I am always elected as the one who gets to putz with it and try to figure something out. I've learned a lot about Access through trial and error, but that doesn't make it less annoying. The people who created the reports and queries no longer work here, so I have to figure out how they set everything up before I can modify it. This has become a problem because there are a lot of queries that had the year 2002 hard coded as a critera. Now we have to go back and change all of them to reference 2003. What a pain.
But I get paid for accomplishing very little, so I guess it's ok.

Tuesday, February 4, 2003:

Yawn. I need more sleep. I keep zoning out. This is not good considering I've only been here for about an hour and a half. I've got a long way to go before the day is over. Argh. Work is overrated. Who wants to do this day in and day out for 40 some years. That's just insane. I'm thinking I'm ok with being a subservient female. Equality is also overrated. I'd rather sit at home all day baking and cleaning than work all the time. Maybe I've been warped.
The semester has gone pretty well so far. That's not saying much, having had only one day of classes...but I want to be all optimistic and happy for at least a little bit. I have my last class tonight - a night class. That should be loads of fun...not...

Monday, February 3, 2003:

Well, the semester has begun. Woo! I've gone through 2 classes thus far and I have one more today and one tomorrow evening. Damn, I hate night classes. But that was the only way to get in the hours at work that I need. It was sooooo nice to sleep in until 7:30 this morning. I'm so used to being at work at that time. This semester should be a lot more relaxing than last semester. I scheduled a bit more "me" time. That may change after my SSS meeting next week - we'll see if they need French tutors this semester or not. 3 business classes and 2 French classes should keep me busy.
This doesn't mean I won't be tired all the time still. I just can't seem to sleep very well. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
My birthday is in less than a week now. That is relatively exciting, but the cynic in me still expects a complete anti-climax. I always expect to be disappointed no matter what. Unfortunately, that usually happens so for now my attitude is not going to change. I dare y'all to turn me into a optimistic person. :-)

Friday, January 31, 2003:

Is it just me, or does life sometimes make y'all homicidal? I hope it's just not me because that would mean I have more problems than I originally thought. Trust me, I've identified far too many as it is. I don't really need any more.
It's snowed last night again. A lot. My car was buried under what seemed like a foot of snow. I had to brush it all off at 7AM. That sucked. And I have no boots so my feet got soaked. That sucked too. Then I had to drive to Appleton. Ugh. 41 just sucks. And people can't drive. It took too damn long to get there, but at least I didn't end up in a ditch like a few other cars I saw along the way. Hey John, make this one your excuse for not hanging with me tonight - there's snow outside. :P
I should really quit handing these excuses to him. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of making some up himself...Speaking of...
I love Dilbert.

Thursday, January 30, 2003:

Sigh. Life is never boring. Ok, maybe sometimes it is. But then all of the sudden a lot of different stuff happens and life just gets weird. I think that just happened to me. First of all, I finally got that friend to come to my dorm room. As luck would have it, after being practically deserted for the last few days, everyone kind of climbed out of the woodwork right before he showed up. That wasn't cool. But at least he still came over and actually came inside this time. (Yeah, there's a double meaning to that one...) I was happy. Very happy.
Then there's this other issue that was just brought to my attention yesterday. I suppose if I had been functioning on a normal amount of sleep, maybe I would have picked up on it on Friday. So, that friend from high school came to visit Friday, right? Apparently he kind of has an interest in me. We talked for quite a while yesterday. It always seems that things in my life have really bad timing. Now, I had a big thing for him in high school...and he knew it. But he was into some other girl and they were dating as we graduated. But things didn't work out for them. Now I'm not sure what I think or what I want to do. I've gotten so comfortable with being whatever it is I am with my other guy that I don't know...I feel like I'm 16 again...
Although boys avoided me like the plague when I was 16. Maybe it was because I was ugly...I dunno...
Now I have too many boys. Well, at least I have in the past. Right now I have just one and that's all I need. I'm so relationshiply healthy!
or not...
Sigh
Maybe eventually I will actually go and find my white boy between the ages 21 and 25...
Never having been in any kind of "real" or "long-term" relationship, I still know I dread the day that my guy decides he's moving on. It will just suck to have to get to know someone else and go through all the stupid crap of getting to know the person and what they like and all. It's so nice to be comfortable with someone and just know what they want and all that.
Whoa. That was deep. I think I've done enough pondering on that subject for now.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003:

I hate snow. Stupid NBC 26 weather people don't know what they're talking about. Dusting my ass...
And then there's that whole State of the Union deal. Yes, I watched it. Yes, I actually listened to parts of it. It just depressed me. All I can say is "typical Republican." See people, this is what happens when they get all the control. Just wait - I'm sure there's more to come...woo hoo! (Sorry Justin, I had to bash them here a little.)
I watched American Idol again last night. It's kind of boring, but there's not much else on Tuesday to watch anyways. And boy, some of those people SUCK! I've been blessed with talent and that's cool, but a few of those contestants should have saved their time and money and invested in a clue. Yikes. I absolutely LOVED the little boy who came in with a rendition of "Let's get it on." That was adorable. I was completely cracked up by the guy who did Madonna's Like a Virgin. Scary...
I could win it. I could be the next American Idol. If I gave a shit that is...
But I don't. Cheap thrills do it for me...
I've been thinking lately. Not that I don't think on a regular basis or anything. I've just had a little more time lately to think. Vacation from K-Mart and all that. This is my last day of that though. Seriously people, I've been going to bed at 10 since Saturday. It's nice to wake up and not feel completely crappy. But remember those sleeping pills? I think they give me a headache. It sucks. Not the best feeling when you're trying to fall asleep. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah...thinking...
I'm hungry. I've been craving Pizza Hut for about a week now. But either I have no time or no motivation. And the weather has been annoying. Someday...

Tuesday, January 28, 2003:

Aaah. Don'tcha just LOVE Wisconsin people! Yesterday morning it was -2 with a windchill of about -17 or so. This morning it's freakin' 22. What is that? No wonder everyone is always sick! No one's body can adapt to that kind of messed up climate. Trust me. I've lived here all my life and I'm still not used to it. Although I do believe my immune system is pretty good because of it. It takes a lot to get me sick enough to knock me out of commission. That might also be because I refuse to see a doctor unless I'm practically dying and I get up and go to work even if I'm "sick." Damn this work ethic. (Although realistically I doubt it's a work ethic that drives me to insanity. I think it's this obsessive preoccupation with money. If I stay home from work, that means I'm losing some major cash. That doesn't fly...)
I've figured it out. I figured this out a long time ago. I have frequent self-analysis sessions. Who needs a psychiatrist when I can figure out my problems myself? Inevitably, I've found that every problem in my life can be traced back to my parents. Usually my father. Everything that has gone wrong in my life is probably his fault. Right up there on the list is my obsession with money and the need to control. My father had no control whatsoever of whatever money he supposedly had. I grew up in a house where, on more than one occasion, we had no toilet paper so either I, the 13 year-old, had to find some money somewhere and buy a roll or I had to be creative. Now, it's hard enough being a 13-year-old girl living with her father in the first place. That was some added stress that I really didn't need.
Et, Voila! This is one of the reasons I'm the wonderful, psychotic, nervous, obsessive-compulsive woman I've turned out to be. It's also good logic as to why I decided to major in accounting. Corporate Finance at that. So much money flowing in and out. It's fascinating. It also explains why I work way too much and never go anywhere. It's this obsession with money. No matter how much I have whether it be in my checking account or somewhere else, I'm constantly deathly afraid that something will happen and it will suddenly all be gone and I'll be fucked. Yes. That's right. In such an economically messed up country in such a materialistic age, if you ain't got the cash, you won't get anywhere.
But that's just my opinion.

Monday, January 27, 2003:

Yikes. Only 13 days until my birthday. That's just awesome. And it looks as if I'll actually be having some fun on that day right now. We'll see how that goes.
This weekend was weird. On Friday I anticipated being kicked out of my dorm because of this sheet I found in my mailbox. But at the last minute - I mean last minute - I was packed and about to walk out the door, I discovered I didn't have to leave. I was so happy. I had a friend from high school come up and visit with me for awhile so that was fun. It's good to keep in touch.
Considering I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep Thursday night (I was over at a friend's apartment until 1:30 AM...playing SCRABBLE...how lame...I'm such a loser...I bet no one else ever does that...But I kicked ASS!) I was soooooo tired Friday night. I feel kind of bad. I probably wasn't very good company. Oh well. He should be honored just to be in my presence...LoL. I slept pretty well Friday. Was asleep by 11 and woke up at 11 on Saturday. Sweet.
Then it was work, work, work. Last night I halfheartedly flipped between the Superbowl and the History Channel. They were running a "Sex in the 20th Century" marathon. Yeah baby! It's all for educational purposes, right?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003:

Time is just flying! Yay! The last couple nights, I've actually gotten a fair amount of sleep. Yeah, I went out and got some sleeping pills. They kind of help. And they claim that they're not habit-forming. Which is good. I don't want to become addicted to any other drugs. :-) I was never one to be a fan of medication. My mother helped teach me that I should just let me body take care of itself and then I'd be a healthier person overall. And it's true. I am a generally healthy person with a beefed up immune system. I've not had the flu, bronchitis, earaches or anything of the sort for a long time. Just a sniffle here and there. Which is excellent since I abhor (not just hate, but abhor) doctors and I have no insurance. Don't even get me started on the medical/health care industry.
The one thing I can't seem to get rid of are my monster headaches. Every once in a while my body rebells and I am attacked by sinus pressure and a migrane. I have the feeling that my body is now immune to Aleve because it doesn't seem to do much anymore. I'm also afraid I may have built up a tolerance to Tylenol PM because the dosage is 2 geltabs and I have to take about 6 in order for anything to happen. It's not that I like popping pills and altering my body. But sometimes that's the only way out.
Anyways, we're not all here to talk about my drug habits. Why are we here? What am I do to with my life? What's the meaning of life? Sigh. I should work now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003:

Gosh my life is boring. But honestly I'm not sure I want to change it too much. This weekend was interesting. On Friday I was supposed to go out and have fun, but that didn't happen...sigh. So that means I spent all night Friday alone in my room watching TV and building up a stockpile of bitchy comments.
These aforementioned comments came in handy on Saturday afternoon. Somehow I had managed to be schedule for Saturday morning which meant I had the night off. So I called up the person who had abandoned me the previous night and gave him an earful. To no avail, sadly. He's sick and just wanted to go to sleep. Ok. Whatever. So I resigned myself to another lonely night at home. Unfortunately that didn't happen either. Long story, not going to go into it. As a result of these happenings, I got about 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up and go to work Sunday morning. Fun, fun.
Now, this very same person who stood me up Friday, made me unbelievable angry on Saturday and caused me to be tired all day Sunday had promised that he'd take me out somewhere on Sunday evening. Surprisingly, that actually happened. That's about the only thing this weekend that went according to plan. We went to Applebees and he proceeded to glare at everyone around us who was talking, loudly complain about the stupid conversations people have in public and insult the waitresses. Then, when the staff began to sweep and vaccuum the floor around the tables next to us, he launched into a big speech about how they were sweeping bacteria and germs around and it was landing on his food. That part actually kind of made sense...which is really sad because he is kind of a nut.
Anyways.
It was interesting. I know some weird people. At least he tipped the waitress and didn't steal the pen.
Last night he agreed to let me come over and take care of him a little. He really is sick. He was sweating up a storm, huddled under the covers shivering. I felt so bad for him. I just hope I don't catch what he's got. I hate being sick and I've had more than enough crappy days in the recent past. Hmmm. I probably shouldn't have kissed him then. oops. Oh well. :-)

Friday, January 17, 2003:

I am so tired. I'm sitting here at work, falling asleep at my desk. That is obviously not a good thing, but I thank my lucky stars that my job doesn't involve manual labor or sharp objects - I'd be a goner. At least my PC isn't too hazardous.
I found out yesterday at work that apparently I had had 25 hours of vacation for 2002 and I hadn't used any of them. Interesting. So they gave me money for 10 of the hours and I have 3 days off next week. Sweet. And I have 50 hours of vacation during 2003. I'm moving up in the world. :-) Now if only I had time or inclination to actually take vacation and do something interesting. I really could use one. I'm seriously overtired and fried out. But I figure the semester starts in 2 weeks and then things will be back to normal and hopefully I'll be able to sleep.
I don't know what my problem is. After getting 3 hours (maybe) on Wednesday night and working all day Thursday you'd think I'd be exhausted and fall asleep right away. Nope. I get home last night around 10:15 and then I get into bed. But I can't sleep. So I get up, turn on the TV. That doesn't help. So I turn my computer on, do a little searching and such. By the time I actually fell asleep it was probably about 1:00. And I was up again this morning at 6. I haven't been moving very fast today. And I keep nodding off. At least there's nothing horribly important going on here this afternoon. And I'm done in 1/2 hour. Woo!
I wonder what I'll be doing tonight. Hopefully something that doesn't require too much brain power, because my brain is just not functioning. When I get overtired, I babble. I talk. A lot. Mostly about embarassing things that no one wants to know. But I just can't seem to stop myself. It's horrible. So I also hope that whatever is on the docket for tonight doesn't involve strangers or talking too much. My friends are used to my short-circuiting so I don't mind talking their ears off. And maybe I'll sleep tonight. Although if I end up at my friend's house all night tonight, I probably won't. I just have trouble sleeping in certain environments. And his house seems to be one of them. Oh well. Sleep is overrated.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003:

I've decided to start this "diary of my life" on my website just to entertain me and the pathetically low number of people who actually visit this site. Come on people...it's 12:00 AM (so I guess technically the date here should be the 16th) and I have to be up again for work at 6. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Just can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep. It's rough.Big story of the day - I got a new battery for my cell phone. A vibrating one. Sweet. Yeah, and I actually called myself just to feel it. How sad. And for all of you people out there who were worrying, my K-mart is not one that was chosen to be closed, so I still have my job... For the time being... Until the Super Wal-Mart opens across the street next month...sighI guess I should give sleep another shot. I'd count sheep, but being the obsessive-compulsive anal person I am, I'd probably start over-analyzing the sheep and then the wheels in my brain would start turning and all of the sudden I'd be thinking of Lamp Chop and Sherri which would lead me to horrible, repressed childhood memories which would, in turn, cause irreversible psychological damage (that is in addition to what's already been done) and that would just be bad. I think I'll go with the "Wind and Water" meditation CD I got from my sister years ago...although that might just make me have the urge to pee. I can't win. It's tough being such a complicated person...sigh