January-February 2003

Thursday, February 27, 2003:

Sigh. And men wonder why there are so many lesbians out there? It's their fault dammit. If men ever acted towards women the way women do towards each other, the world would be perfect. I think guys are just missing that part of the brain that would make them considerate and observant. It's frustrating and there's no excuse for it. Don't blame genetics or your physiology. It's your own fault you're a dumb ass and keep fucking up. Don't hide behind science.
On a completely different note - We got the house and they start moving in tonight. I won't be moving until May. It's just more convenient to stay on campus until the semester is over. Ok...so I just don't want to have to get up an hour earlier so I can find a parking spot. I'm lazy...We'll be painting for quite a while. The whole house...Not the best thing to be doing in the middle of winter, but if I all of the sudden disappear, you'll know I inhaled too many paint fumes. :-)
I'm seriously broke. Between just paying tuition and my France payment being due soon, I'm not going to have any money for about a year. I'll probably get more debt...Stupid government. You'd think they'd realize they're messing everything up by cutting education funding. That's incredibly stupid of them. Yes, let's improve life and make the world a better place by producing even MORE morons. Yeah...that'll work. Good plan. They say stupid people shouldn't breed. But I don't know who else will be left soon. Probably a lot of foreign people who don't speak English and who haven't figured out the whole "sex gets you pregnant" and "for the love of god, use birth control" deal. (No...that wasn't racist at all...) You'd think "condom" would be an internationally recognized word by now. Sigh. That's my social commentary for the day. Tune in tomorrow for my views on another pressing topic of international politics.

Monday, February 24, 2003:

Why do I go into chat rooms? Yeah, I know I'm bored, but do I really want all the shit that undoubted ensues after a visit to the rooms? Some people just don't get that I'm not interested in them. I'm so far above most the types that hang out in those rooms it's not even funny. I'm not out there looking for a piece and I'm not interested in talking to someone who is.
THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX DAMMIT!
Trust me, at one time I would have thought otherwise. We all do dumb things at some point. But right now, empty sex with strangers just isn't too appealing. So just leave me alone people. I don't want to talk to you.
There are a few people right now who are just ticking me off.
I've come to respect myself enough that I don't feel that I should have to be objectified and sink down to their level. I did not buy a webcam so every lameass guy on the planet could ask if I'd get naked for them. I've been in this crabby, bad mood for about 2 weeks now and there's no end in sight. That sucks.
Thursday, February 20, 2003:Gosh, life is weird. First, on Tuesday I got nominated to be a member of the business Honors Society (Beta Gamma Sigma I think.) That was pretty cool. Then I got asked to do someone's taxes. Hmmmm. They're going to pay me...so that could be cool. Strange...
I just got a humongous paper cut from a stack of paper I was going through. That sucks. It's bleeding and it hurts like hell. Once again, I don't really want to be here. I'm always so tired...Although this time it is my fault. I stayed up until around 1AM, chatting. I don't know why. That was dumb of me. Oh well.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003:

I don't want to be here (at work, that is.) I want to be lazy and sit around all day in my underwear, eating M&Ms and watching talk shows. Grrrrr. I need a vacation. Granted, my life is a lot less stressful this semester than it has been for quite awhile. But I'm still just wanted to lounge around and do nothing for awhile. Life is unfair. I paid my tuition on Friday, so now I have no money. And I have the second payment for France due in about 2 weeks. Fun, fun. I filed my taxes online so that should help, the refund and all. But the FAFSA people insist on making my life miserable with this dependent shit. I have to fill it out by hand since they won't let me be independent while doing it online. The government really overestimates the support that parents give their kids. Or maybe it's just my parents. Either way, that ticks me off. Financial Aid is a pain in the butt. I've filled out applications for the COBA scholarships, but I really don't expect to get any of them. You'd think with my grades and my credentials, SOMEONE would want to help put me through college. But NO! They just want to make Martha work her ass off to go to a shithole school. It's so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I bother...

Sunday, February 16, 2003:

Argh. I drank WAY too much last night. That's for damn sure. I don't even know why. I went to Sheboygan to go to a friend's wedding. I somehow ended up at a different friend's house, drinking it up. Then I ended up going to 3 or 4 bars with yet another friend. Argh. I spent too much money too. Why? Why? Let's make an inventory of what I had last night just for shits and giggles (and FYI - I was the designated driver):
1) Started with an entire bottle (yeah, one of those big ones) of Boone's Farm Strawberry Daiquiri.2) Moved on to a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.3) Had about 1/2 a bottle of Bacardi Silver. Didn't like it much.4) Drank a bottle of Skyy Blue. That was pretty good.4) Moved to some UV vodka and lemonade. Mixed it myself. Not too strong, but strong enough :-) Drank about 1/2 that cup before we left.6) Went to the store to get more alcohol. Yeah, we're a bunch of lushes. 7) Drank a few sips of Mike's Hard Iced Tea. Didn't care for that much either.8) Went to 2 bars then. Got a Captain and coke at both of them.9) Went back to the house. Drank the rest of my UV and another Smirnoff Ice.10) We decided to go to a bowling alley so we 21 yr olds could drink while the others bowled. 11) At the bowling alley I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose (that stuff is GOOD!) and a Sex on the Beach.12) Went back to the house. Dragged my one friend home. Said goodnight to the others and drove back home to Oshkosh.
Now, I never really considered myself that much of a drinker. Granted most of those things are pretty light. 5% flavored beers and all. But I was drinking my friends under the table (excluding one.) That's just wrong. I find it interesting that the people who talk big about drinking all the time tend to be the ones to get trashed the fastest. It's all in your head...I drank all that in about 5 hours and still drove all the way back home. Sigh. My poor liver. Oh yeah! I also had two mudslides at Applebees earlier in the evening.

Thursday, February 13, 2003:

I feel like freakin' Winnie the Pooh with that obnoxious "little black raincloud" hovering over my head. Unlike Pooh, I am not going to launch into a song about it. Dammit I'm crabby. My body hates me, my life leaves quite a bit to be desired and I just want to scream.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Not one of my favorite, let me tell you. I've never ever had someone special on this day. 20 years now. That's extremely depressing. This year I'm not quite sure what's up. I think that on Sunday he made it abundantly clear that this is not a "relationship." I'm not sure what it is then. I suppose one could see it as a "friends with benefits" deal. I think there's more to it than that, but that could just be my emotional girly side talking. I still have plans with him tomorrow night. I've been putting off having that kind of serious discussion for a long time now. I'd really rather not know if he has no feelings for me and no intention of ever developing them. It's not that I want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And it's not that I don't want to be alone. I don't know what it is. I just get too into things on a regular basis and it sucks. Whenever he fucks up and does things that a "girlfriend" would complain it about, it seems like I'm always PMS-ing or something. He's just got really bad timing. Therefore, I either yell and scream and take his head off or I fall apart at the seams and bawl my eyes out. I'm not sure if it's because I feel I should have the same rights and expectations of a girlfriend even though that's not really what I am or if it's just hormones that make me uncontrollable.
Him having kids makes things a lot harder, I'm sure. And our busy schedules just don't work out too well. But it just always seems like I'm trying so much harder than he is. I make time for him but he doesn't seem to reciprocate. He thinks that just because he does certain things for me that makes him a hero and removes some of his responsibilities for other things. Sorry boys - just because you can please a woman in bed doesn't mean that you get to forget about all the other things girls like. That isn't enough. Now, I'd drop everything, including homework (possibly excluding work, because I don't want to be fired) if he wanted to see me and hang out or something. He doesn't do the same for me. If he has the option to stay at home studying or playing Dominoes or see me, he'd choose one of the first two. He's come to my dorm once since September. I think he's picked me up and taken me to a about 3 or 4 times. Every other time it has been me making the effort, driving out to his house. That seems slightly unequal to me. I bring this up every once in a while and you wouldn't believe the excuses he pulls out of his ass. He's got a least 3 for everything I complain about. To bad they're all so fucking lame that I don't believe any of them.
See. I'm crabby. There was one particular day that I remember. I was looking forward to seeing him because it had been awhile and I could use some loving. When he finally calls me that night he says he's tired and is going to study, have a drink and then go to sleep. I'm like, "oh no you're not. I'm coming over." He says he doesn't want me to. He needs to study. Now, we both know perfectly well that he's just going to sit there watching TV. So I complain and bitch etc, etc, etc. Finally I just said, "I'm a horny, premenstrual young woman who needs some of your beef right now." That shut him up. He still didn't want me to come over though. "Tomorrow. I'll rest up tonight so I'm not tired then." Whatever.
OK. This is definately not alleviating the crabbiness. I'd better stop.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003:

Well then. I'm such a cynical person that I always expect the worst and I always anticipate being let down. I never make plans because I know that if I do, they won't work out and I'll be disappointed. I find it absolutely amazing that no matter how little I expect from the people around me, they give me even less than that. I just don't understand it. I'm sure there have to be people in the world who care. They just don't happen to be anywhere near me. I have those who say "I care, really I do. You can talk to me about anything. I'm your buddy, above all." Yeah...ok...There are a few problems with that:
#1. Yeah, I can talk to you, but when I do, you don't listen anyways so what's the point? I'd just be wasting my time and breath.#2. Even if you started out listening to me, you'd get distracted in about 30 seconds and start messing with things around you (your lighter, fingernail clippers that have been next to your bed for ages, etc.)#3. If you managed to remain relatively attentive for more than 30 seconds, you'd begin to interrupt me. When you interrupt, it would be about some seemingly related topic, but would all of the sudden end up somewhere completely different. I don't know exactly why this happens because then we never talk about what I started out with.
Yet you complain that I don't talk to you. I don't really think that it's my fault...
And now you've given me a 10-minute time limit. Sigh.
Every once in a while I falsely believe that things will change and my life will go the way it was supposed to. I have an irrational hope that maybe that thing I know will happen to fuck things up won't really happen. I have had too much damn bad luck already and I think it's very unfair that I seem to get it all and other people don't get any of it. Sure, maybe some of you would say I'm being tested or some shit like that. I don't really appreciate it too much.
I've always presumed I'd end up alone in life. I've never had a lot of friends and I most certainly don't have any kind of tight circle of support. I can count the number of people on the earth that don't annoy me to death using barely more than one hand. The problem with this is that most people don't understand it. I turned 21 a few days ago and when I said "My birthday is Sunday" everyone automatically asks "so where are you going to go? gonna get trashed?"
NO! I WILL NOT CONFORM DAMMIT!
I hate Wisconsin. I'm lactose intolerant, don't eat meat I don't drink beer and I hate the Packers. I'm not too fond of the US most of the time either. My 21st birthday to me didn't mean going out and drinking too much. I, for one, don't really like barfing my guts out. I'm not into the bar scene and I will probably rarely go to them.
I hate stupid people and unfortunately most of y'all here in WI, the midwest and the US are imbeciles. I'm tired of 1) having to fall to your level in order to have a conversation that you understand and 2) trying to bring you up to my level, which never works. I've been made fun of all my life for one thing or another. I've never fit it. My last attempt to do that was last year. I ended up making a lot of bad decisions and just hating who I turned into. So I stopped trying and once again said "fuck the world."
I don't care what you think of me and yes, I am better than you. If you don't like me, oh well. I'm not out to make friends. I've found that 99.99999% of the people here are false and two-faced. I hate stupid people, but I hate fakes even more. I say what I mean. I don't lie or exaggerate. And I don't appreciate when other people do.
I'm just in a really bad mood. I think I'll stop now.

Sunday, February 9, 2003:

Well, here it is. My 21st birthday. Not much has happened of much importance thus far. I spent last night watching TV. I had a little vodka but that's about it. Stayed home. No bars. Got a little loving and then came home this morning and watched Spongebob. Took a nap, got up and showered and now here I am.
I've got no plans for anything tonight yet. I hope to get out to Applebees and have a mudslide the way it was intended to be. Yummay! I'm also hoping that a friend or two will take me out somewhere. That'd be fun.
But I absolutely WILL NOT do any homework today...
None
Maybe I'll have more interesting things to write later, but I warned y'all that this would be an anti-climax...
Thursday, February 6, 2003:Argh. Time drags. Just wait until after Sunday. Then whenever the time seems to be dragging, I'll go out and buy some booze and then time will FLY baby! Yeah!
Just kidding. I have no plans of becoming an alcoholic. No one ever plans to do that...:-)
I've been sitting around for most of the morning messing with MS Access files. No one here seems to know very much about Access and since I'm here to learn (scoff) I am always elected as the one who gets to putz with it and try to figure something out. I've learned a lot about Access through trial and error, but that doesn't make it less annoying. The people who created the reports and queries no longer work here, so I have to figure out how they set everything up before I can modify it. This has become a problem because there are a lot of queries that had the year 2002 hard coded as a critera. Now we have to go back and change all of them to reference 2003. What a pain.
But I get paid for accomplishing very little, so I guess it's ok.

Tuesday, February 4, 2003:

Yawn. I need more sleep. I keep zoning out. This is not good considering I've only been here for about an hour and a half. I've got a long way to go before the day is over. Argh. Work is overrated. Who wants to do this day in and day out for 40 some years. That's just insane. I'm thinking I'm ok with being a subservient female. Equality is also overrated. I'd rather sit at home all day baking and cleaning than work all the time. Maybe I've been warped.
The semester has gone pretty well so far. That's not saying much, having had only one day of classes...but I want to be all optimistic and happy for at least a little bit. I have my last class tonight - a night class. That should be loads of fun...not...

Monday, February 3, 2003:

Well, the semester has begun. Woo! I've gone through 2 classes thus far and I have one more today and one tomorrow evening. Damn, I hate night classes. But that was the only way to get in the hours at work that I need. It was sooooo nice to sleep in until 7:30 this morning. I'm so used to being at work at that time. This semester should be a lot more relaxing than last semester. I scheduled a bit more "me" time. That may change after my SSS meeting next week - we'll see if they need French tutors this semester or not. 3 business classes and 2 French classes should keep me busy.
This doesn't mean I won't be tired all the time still. I just can't seem to sleep very well. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
My birthday is in less than a week now. That is relatively exciting, but the cynic in me still expects a complete anti-climax. I always expect to be disappointed no matter what. Unfortunately, that usually happens so for now my attitude is not going to change. I dare y'all to turn me into a optimistic person. :-)

Friday, January 31, 2003:

Is it just me, or does life sometimes make y'all homicidal? I hope it's just not me because that would mean I have more problems than I originally thought. Trust me, I've identified far too many as it is. I don't really need any more.
It's snowed last night again. A lot. My car was buried under what seemed like a foot of snow. I had to brush it all off at 7AM. That sucked. And I have no boots so my feet got soaked. That sucked too. Then I had to drive to Appleton. Ugh. 41 just sucks. And people can't drive. It took too damn long to get there, but at least I didn't end up in a ditch like a few other cars I saw along the way. Hey John, make this one your excuse for not hanging with me tonight - there's snow outside. :P
I should really quit handing these excuses to him. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of making some up himself...Speaking of...
I love Dilbert.

Thursday, January 30, 2003:

Sigh. Life is never boring. Ok, maybe sometimes it is. But then all of the sudden a lot of different stuff happens and life just gets weird. I think that just happened to me. First of all, I finally got that friend to come to my dorm room. As luck would have it, after being practically deserted for the last few days, everyone kind of climbed out of the woodwork right before he showed up. That wasn't cool. But at least he still came over and actually came inside this time. (Yeah, there's a double meaning to that one...) I was happy. Very happy.
Then there's this other issue that was just brought to my attention yesterday. I suppose if I had been functioning on a normal amount of sleep, maybe I would have picked up on it on Friday. So, that friend from high school came to visit Friday, right? Apparently he kind of has an interest in me. We talked for quite a while yesterday. It always seems that things in my life have really bad timing. Now, I had a big thing for him in high school...and he knew it. But he was into some other girl and they were dating as we graduated. But things didn't work out for them. Now I'm not sure what I think or what I want to do. I've gotten so comfortable with being whatever it is I am with my other guy that I don't know...I feel like I'm 16 again...
Although boys avoided me like the plague when I was 16. Maybe it was because I was ugly...I dunno...
Now I have too many boys. Well, at least I have in the past. Right now I have just one and that's all I need. I'm so relationshiply healthy!
or not...
Sigh
Maybe eventually I will actually go and find my white boy between the ages 21 and 25...
Never having been in any kind of "real" or "long-term" relationship, I still know I dread the day that my guy decides he's moving on. It will just suck to have to get to know someone else and go through all the stupid crap of getting to know the person and what they like and all. It's so nice to be comfortable with someone and just know what they want and all that.
Whoa. That was deep. I think I've done enough pondering on that subject for now.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003:

I hate snow. Stupid NBC 26 weather people don't know what they're talking about. Dusting my ass...
And then there's that whole State of the Union deal. Yes, I watched it. Yes, I actually listened to parts of it. It just depressed me. All I can say is "typical Republican." See people, this is what happens when they get all the control. Just wait - I'm sure there's more to come...woo hoo! (Sorry Justin, I had to bash them here a little.)
I watched American Idol again last night. It's kind of boring, but there's not much else on Tuesday to watch anyways. And boy, some of those people SUCK! I've been blessed with talent and that's cool, but a few of those contestants should have saved their time and money and invested in a clue. Yikes. I absolutely LOVED the little boy who came in with a rendition of "Let's get it on." That was adorable. I was completely cracked up by the guy who did Madonna's Like a Virgin. Scary...
I could win it. I could be the next American Idol. If I gave a shit that is...
But I don't. Cheap thrills do it for me...
I've been thinking lately. Not that I don't think on a regular basis or anything. I've just had a little more time lately to think. Vacation from K-Mart and all that. This is my last day of that though. Seriously people, I've been going to bed at 10 since Saturday. It's nice to wake up and not feel completely crappy. But remember those sleeping pills? I think they give me a headache. It sucks. Not the best feeling when you're trying to fall asleep. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah...thinking...
I'm hungry. I've been craving Pizza Hut for about a week now. But either I have no time or no motivation. And the weather has been annoying. Someday...

Tuesday, January 28, 2003:

Aaah. Don'tcha just LOVE Wisconsin people! Yesterday morning it was -2 with a windchill of about -17 or so. This morning it's freakin' 22. What is that? No wonder everyone is always sick! No one's body can adapt to that kind of messed up climate. Trust me. I've lived here all my life and I'm still not used to it. Although I do believe my immune system is pretty good because of it. It takes a lot to get me sick enough to knock me out of commission. That might also be because I refuse to see a doctor unless I'm practically dying and I get up and go to work even if I'm "sick." Damn this work ethic. (Although realistically I doubt it's a work ethic that drives me to insanity. I think it's this obsessive preoccupation with money. If I stay home from work, that means I'm losing some major cash. That doesn't fly...)
I've figured it out. I figured this out a long time ago. I have frequent self-analysis sessions. Who needs a psychiatrist when I can figure out my problems myself? Inevitably, I've found that every problem in my life can be traced back to my parents. Usually my father. Everything that has gone wrong in my life is probably his fault. Right up there on the list is my obsession with money and the need to control. My father had no control whatsoever of whatever money he supposedly had. I grew up in a house where, on more than one occasion, we had no toilet paper so either I, the 13 year-old, had to find some money somewhere and buy a roll or I had to be creative. Now, it's hard enough being a 13-year-old girl living with her father in the first place. That was some added stress that I really didn't need.
Et, Voila! This is one of the reasons I'm the wonderful, psychotic, nervous, obsessive-compulsive woman I've turned out to be. It's also good logic as to why I decided to major in accounting. Corporate Finance at that. So much money flowing in and out. It's fascinating. It also explains why I work way too much and never go anywhere. It's this obsession with money. No matter how much I have whether it be in my checking account or somewhere else, I'm constantly deathly afraid that something will happen and it will suddenly all be gone and I'll be fucked. Yes. That's right. In such an economically messed up country in such a materialistic age, if you ain't got the cash, you won't get anywhere.
But that's just my opinion.

Monday, January 27, 2003:

Yikes. Only 13 days until my birthday. That's just awesome. And it looks as if I'll actually be having some fun on that day right now. We'll see how that goes.
This weekend was weird. On Friday I anticipated being kicked out of my dorm because of this sheet I found in my mailbox. But at the last minute - I mean last minute - I was packed and about to walk out the door, I discovered I didn't have to leave. I was so happy. I had a friend from high school come up and visit with me for awhile so that was fun. It's good to keep in touch.
Considering I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep Thursday night (I was over at a friend's apartment until 1:30 AM...playing SCRABBLE...how lame...I'm such a loser...I bet no one else ever does that...But I kicked ASS!) I was soooooo tired Friday night. I feel kind of bad. I probably wasn't very good company. Oh well. He should be honored just to be in my presence...LoL. I slept pretty well Friday. Was asleep by 11 and woke up at 11 on Saturday. Sweet.
Then it was work, work, work. Last night I halfheartedly flipped between the Superbowl and the History Channel. They were running a "Sex in the 20th Century" marathon. Yeah baby! It's all for educational purposes, right?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003:

Time is just flying! Yay! The last couple nights, I've actually gotten a fair amount of sleep. Yeah, I went out and got some sleeping pills. They kind of help. And they claim that they're not habit-forming. Which is good. I don't want to become addicted to any other drugs. :-) I was never one to be a fan of medication. My mother helped teach me that I should just let me body take care of itself and then I'd be a healthier person overall. And it's true. I am a generally healthy person with a beefed up immune system. I've not had the flu, bronchitis, earaches or anything of the sort for a long time. Just a sniffle here and there. Which is excellent since I abhor (not just hate, but abhor) doctors and I have no insurance. Don't even get me started on the medical/health care industry.
The one thing I can't seem to get rid of are my monster headaches. Every once in a while my body rebells and I am attacked by sinus pressure and a migrane. I have the feeling that my body is now immune to Aleve because it doesn't seem to do much anymore. I'm also afraid I may have built up a tolerance to Tylenol PM because the dosage is 2 geltabs and I have to take about 6 in order for anything to happen. It's not that I like popping pills and altering my body. But sometimes that's the only way out.
Anyways, we're not all here to talk about my drug habits. Why are we here? What am I do to with my life? What's the meaning of life? Sigh. I should work now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003:

Gosh my life is boring. But honestly I'm not sure I want to change it too much. This weekend was interesting. On Friday I was supposed to go out and have fun, but that didn't happen...sigh. So that means I spent all night Friday alone in my room watching TV and building up a stockpile of bitchy comments.
These aforementioned comments came in handy on Saturday afternoon. Somehow I had managed to be schedule for Saturday morning which meant I had the night off. So I called up the person who had abandoned me the previous night and gave him an earful. To no avail, sadly. He's sick and just wanted to go to sleep. Ok. Whatever. So I resigned myself to another lonely night at home. Unfortunately that didn't happen either. Long story, not going to go into it. As a result of these happenings, I got about 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up and go to work Sunday morning. Fun, fun.
Now, this very same person who stood me up Friday, made me unbelievable angry on Saturday and caused me to be tired all day Sunday had promised that he'd take me out somewhere on Sunday evening. Surprisingly, that actually happened. That's about the only thing this weekend that went according to plan. We went to Applebees and he proceeded to glare at everyone around us who was talking, loudly complain about the stupid conversations people have in public and insult the waitresses. Then, when the staff began to sweep and vaccuum the floor around the tables next to us, he launched into a big speech about how they were sweeping bacteria and germs around and it was landing on his food. That part actually kind of made sense...which is really sad because he is kind of a nut.
Anyways.
It was interesting. I know some weird people. At least he tipped the waitress and didn't steal the pen.
Last night he agreed to let me come over and take care of him a little. He really is sick. He was sweating up a storm, huddled under the covers shivering. I felt so bad for him. I just hope I don't catch what he's got. I hate being sick and I've had more than enough crappy days in the recent past. Hmmm. I probably shouldn't have kissed him then. oops. Oh well. :-)

Friday, January 17, 2003:

I am so tired. I'm sitting here at work, falling asleep at my desk. That is obviously not a good thing, but I thank my lucky stars that my job doesn't involve manual labor or sharp objects - I'd be a goner. At least my PC isn't too hazardous.
I found out yesterday at work that apparently I had had 25 hours of vacation for 2002 and I hadn't used any of them. Interesting. So they gave me money for 10 of the hours and I have 3 days off next week. Sweet. And I have 50 hours of vacation during 2003. I'm moving up in the world. :-) Now if only I had time or inclination to actually take vacation and do something interesting. I really could use one. I'm seriously overtired and fried out. But I figure the semester starts in 2 weeks and then things will be back to normal and hopefully I'll be able to sleep.
I don't know what my problem is. After getting 3 hours (maybe) on Wednesday night and working all day Thursday you'd think I'd be exhausted and fall asleep right away. Nope. I get home last night around 10:15 and then I get into bed. But I can't sleep. So I get up, turn on the TV. That doesn't help. So I turn my computer on, do a little searching and such. By the time I actually fell asleep it was probably about 1:00. And I was up again this morning at 6. I haven't been moving very fast today. And I keep nodding off. At least there's nothing horribly important going on here this afternoon. And I'm done in 1/2 hour. Woo!
I wonder what I'll be doing tonight. Hopefully something that doesn't require too much brain power, because my brain is just not functioning. When I get overtired, I babble. I talk. A lot. Mostly about embarassing things that no one wants to know. But I just can't seem to stop myself. It's horrible. So I also hope that whatever is on the docket for tonight doesn't involve strangers or talking too much. My friends are used to my short-circuiting so I don't mind talking their ears off. And maybe I'll sleep tonight. Although if I end up at my friend's house all night tonight, I probably won't. I just have trouble sleeping in certain environments. And his house seems to be one of them. Oh well. Sleep is overrated.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003:

I've decided to start this "diary of my life" on my website just to entertain me and the pathetically low number of people who actually visit this site. Come on people...it's 12:00 AM (so I guess technically the date here should be the 16th) and I have to be up again for work at 6. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Just can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep. It's rough.Big story of the day - I got a new battery for my cell phone. A vibrating one. Sweet. Yeah, and I actually called myself just to feel it. How sad. And for all of you people out there who were worrying, my K-mart is not one that was chosen to be closed, so I still have my job... For the time being... Until the Super Wal-Mart opens across the street next month...sighI guess I should give sleep another shot. I'd count sheep, but being the obsessive-compulsive anal person I am, I'd probably start over-analyzing the sheep and then the wheels in my brain would start turning and all of the sudden I'd be thinking of Lamp Chop and Sherri which would lead me to horrible, repressed childhood memories which would, in turn, cause irreversible psychological damage (that is in addition to what's already been done) and that would just be bad. I think I'll go with the "Wind and Water" meditation CD I got from my sister years ago...although that might just make me have the urge to pee. I can't win. It's tough being such a complicated person...sigh