August 2003

Friday August 29, 2003

Yawn. Well, due to some unexpected events, that e-mail was sent late last night/early this morning. We'll see what kind of reaction I get. I plan to get plastered tonight. It probably won't happen, but that's still my plan. If not tonight, then Sunday night. Maybe both. Maybe I'll be an alcoholic again. Could be fun. I'm just tired. In many ways. I really just want to have a normal relationship. Really, I do. I just don't have the greatest luck in finding guys. I mean, I don't even know what I've been doing for the past year or so. I've been ignoring other guys and avoiding them. And why? Because of some guy who doesn't give a shit about me. Just doesn't make sense. Sigh. I'm hoping my spewing my guts to him will be some kind of resolution. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time.
Moving on.
There's nothing else really going on in my life at this point. Other than the fact that I have NO MONEY and tuition is due and I need to buy my books. Dammit I hate money. Especially since I never have any. I also plan to be freakin' crabby for quite awhile so just deal with it. Don't say you're sorry. Don't try and cheer me up. Don't do those annoying "well, I care, screw him" things. I don't want to hear it. I just want to wallow in my self-pity for awhile. And eat lots of chocolate. And vodka. Lots of vodka. Funny story - the last night in France this one guy brought out his camcorder to get everyone on tape. He turns to me and says, "So, what do you have to say about this trip?" I think my reply was something like, "(Martha holding up bottle) Vodka. Couldn't have stood all you people and this place without vodka." Aaahh. Spoken like the true alcoholic I am. Sigh. I think I'm gonna have to start drinking beer though because vodka is too expensive. Or maybe not. I don't need to eat. I'll spend food money on liquor. There we go. Good plan.
Here's another warning. We're entering the time of year where I always seem to get all down in the dumps for some reason. Haven't figured it out yet. So, yes, I'm going to be crabby and bitchy and depressed for awhile. Granted, it doesn't help that there's shit going down right now. I could really do without that. But don't expect me to be cheerful and optimistic. Not that I ever am...I'll just be even less that then normal. I've had to learn to deal with my irrational mood swings and manic-depressive tendencies. You will too.

Thursday August 28, 2003

Well, less than a week until classes start. I must say I'm kind of relieved to hear that. This summer has been outrageously weird and busy. I'm looking forward to returning to semi-normalcy. I've been doing some clean-up work the last few days since I've had the evenings off. Not clean-up as in washing things and sweeping. More like "emotional" clean-up. I think it's time to do another "stress causes removal." I did a similar thing about 2 years ago. Determined to get rid of things in my life that were causing me too much stress. Most of those things turned out to be people. I think this is the case once again. I don't purposely choose to surround myself with people who are bad for me. It just kind of ends up that way. I've already started to compose a letter to the main person this concerns. I intended it to be an e-mail that would inform him of what I'm going through. As it stands now, it has turned into a 3 page letter. And I'm not done yet. Ironically enough, I'm pretty sure he won't even take the time to read it. So I don't know why I'm bothering to write it since it's just getting me all worked up. I think it's healthier then suffering through it though. At least this way he won't have an excuse for being ignorant about some things.
I plan to send him my thoughts on Saturday. We'll have to see what kind of response I'll get (if any.) For the past few days I've just sat here at work for 8 hours, gone home and sat in from of my computer there for a while and then gone to sleep. Fascinating life. Oh wait. I lied. On Tuesday, Bill came over. That was fun. He's got that computer nerd side to him, which I dig. And he introduced me to a completely awesome website - StrongBad...so funny. Plus, lots of his friends work at the porn store...my kind of people. :-)
Plans for the rest of the week are almost as exciting as my week has been so far. Tonight, I'm going to do nothing. Tomorrow, more nothing. Saturday and Sunday, working and then nothing. Oops. I mean Sunday night David is supposed to come up to visit me. He'll stay (on the floor in the living room...lol) at the apartment and then party with me on Labor Day, which, surprisingly I got off. I think K-Mart just doesn't want to pay me the holiday rate. Cheapos. Then Tuesday is my last day of insane hours - my insanest yet actually - 14. Then I go to classes bright and early on Wednesday morning - at the crack of 8 AM. Fun...
Well, I suppose I should be working. I just have no motivation. I went to bed at like 6 yesterday. Got up at 8 and again (sick to my stomach) around 11 and finally about 5:30. Still, that's a lot more sleep than I've been getting lately. Why am I still tired? And hungry. Dying of hunger. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Thursday August 21, 2003

Why do I bother? Sometimes I just get extremely frustrated with people. Especially those who are of the male gender. I won't even go into what happened this time. It's the same old thing. I let it keep happening. It is my fault that they piss me off. So, no more. I saw someone's Yahoo! profile the other day and their quote was really good. Can't remember it exactly, but it was something along the lines of "Don't make someone your priority if you're just their convenience." Fits my situation perfectly, don't you think. So that's what I'm going to do. No more of this calling him all the time, e-mailing him, practically offering up a sacrifice to his gods in order to get him to hang out with me. If he really wanted to be around me, it wouldn't take so much convincing. Also, if he wanted to be with me, he has a phone and a computer and is perfectly capable of using them. So, until he gets off his ass and decides I'm worth the teensiest effort, I won't see or hear from him. I expect to not see him for quite a while. He has no problem not seeing me. He has a talent. Which is another major problem. He goes out of his way to NOT see me, yet continuously tells me he likes being with me, would like to be with me more.
DUMBASS. GIVE ME A BREAK.
You don't think I can't see through that one by now? I'm tired of working my ass off to make you like me. I deserve something more than that. It's a good thing he's not a boyfriend because if he ever was, he would no longer be that. He's also not a "friend with benefits" or a "fuck buddy" because if he had that distinction, he'd be a very bad one. He's not around enough to be that for me. Instead he's just floating around in the limbo of relationships. Sometimes I'm not even sure if he's a friend at all. Sometimes I think I'm feeling something a lot more. Then I come to my senses when he blows me off because his elbow hurts. (Yup, that was the latest excuse. He's not even trying to make them plausible anymore.)
But anyway. Classes start in about 2 weeks. Fun, fun. Work is just as it was when I left. Keeping me busy and all. The new apartment is pretty nice. Pain in the ass to move and get settled, but now that that's done and over with, I'm pretty happy with my life right now. Exception: men suck still, although at this point, I'm doing just fine without them. I plan to continue in this fashion for awhile, contrary to what I may say in chatrooms :-)
That is all.