Time to Laugh a Little

The Dilbert Blog had another great post the other day about jokes. I admit, I sat at work and read through all 500+ comments. There were a lot of great jokes there. Unfortunately the majority of them were tasteless, offensive, or so dirty I wouldn't dare repost them here (but that doesn't mean you can't click on over there and read them for yourself ;) ).

Here are a few of the ones that had me trying to muffle my laughter at my desk:

Random Jokes:

Two muffins are baking in the oven. The first muffin says "Man, it's hot in here." The second cries, "Aaaah! A talking muffin!"

*****

You know Quasimodo, the bell ringer at Notre Dame.

One day his boss came up to him and told him, "Quasimodo, the job is too much for you. I've hired you an assistant. Show him what to do."

Quasimodo took the assistant up to the bell tower to show him how to ring the bells. "Just watch this," said Quasimodo. The hunchback then lined up about 50 feet from one of the bells. He then sprinted towards the bell and crashed into it face first. This set the bell in motion.

Quasimodo then walked back to assistant and said, "You try it."

The assistant lined up about 50 feet from one of the bells. He then sprinted towards the bell and crashed into it face first. This set the bell in motion.

Unfortunately, the assistant flew off the bell at unusual angle. He exited the bell tower and crashed violently on the street below.

Seeing this, Quasimodo ran out of the bell tower and out of church as quickly as he could. When he arrived at the accident scene, a large crowd had formed.

A police officer saw Quasimodo and said, "A terrible thing has happened. This man is dead. We must contact his family. Do you know his name?"

Quasimodo looked down at the corpse and said, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

****

A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doctor, you have to help me. I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."

The doctor says, "Yes, I was just reading about this in a journal. You have a condition known as Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man says, "Is it common?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual."

****

Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

****

(A slightly dirty joke)

One day, a penguin on vacation driving through Arizona breaks down. He has the car towed back to the only garage, and is told it will be 2 hours before they know anything. He sets off about town, and sees an ice cream shop. "Boy! Ice cream would sure be nice right now!" said the penguin as he mopped sweat from his brow.

The penguin orders his ice cream, but then finds that he can't use the spoon like people. He starts raking the ice cream into his mouth, creating quite a mess with his wings.

He then returns to the garage, and asks the mechanic if they know anything about his car. The mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream."

****

(This one is my favorite considering my current frustrations...)

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a mug of hot water. Suprised, the bartender says, "But I thought vampires only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and responds, "I'm making tea.”

****

(This one goes out to all the Catholics out there to whom I will be related to by marriage in less than 3 weeks...)

Q: Why are Catholics glad Christ was crucified instead of being stoned to death?
A: So they can go like this (MAKING THE SIGN OF THE CROSS) instead of like this (BEATING FACE RAPIDLY WITH FISTS).

****

(And, finally, a wedding joke)

Two antennas got married.

The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was awesome!