May 2003

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Actually, that's a lie. It's 12:36, so it's really June 1st. But I'm lazy and didn't want to go and start the new page right now. Sigh. Once again, I should be sleeping. But what can you do? Insomnia is a strange thing. I have to move on Friday. Should be tons of fun. Not. Not really looking forward to it much, but I guess it gets me closer to leaving for France. Yay. Not that I'm at all prepared. I still don't know how I'm going to be getting to the airport. And I don't have any luggage. But I have my plane ticket, my living arrangements and my passport so it's all good. LoL.
I did ok this past semester. I seem to have gotten in a rut though. I just suck during Fall semester and can not seem to get on the Dean's List. Yet Spring poses no problem for that. Weird. Interim is over this next Friday. Three years down, 1 1/2 or 2 more to go. Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
I went out to Park Central and Route 66 in Appleton last night. Doing that just reminded me of why I never go out. I've distanced myself so much from my peer group that it's just impossible to try and fit in with them anymore. Loud music, a smoky atmosphere and people lamely attempting to call swaying and gyrating back and forth dancing is not really for me. This is why I spend a lot of time alone in my room. Last night, not only did I feel like an imposter, but the whole experience wasn't too good for my self esteem. I in no way believe myself to be a knockout. Even attractive is too much. But I didn't think I was hideous. Yet, not one person attempted to approach me in any way all night long. That's just depressing. I guess once you remove the "I'm easy, come and get it" badge from your shirt, all men lose interest.
You know that part in The Wedding Singer where Julia says she's doomed to wander the earth alone forever. Well, that's gonna be me folks. Just as any girl does, I used to dream about my great future. Happy life, husband, the requisite 2.3 children and all. Then elementary, middle and finally high school taunts, teasing and torture shattered all those hopes. Children can be cruel. The fact that I have no real friends and I've only dated one person doesn't really help much either. I just seem to be someone that people can forget about really easily. I often say that I realize that no one really cares. Then people I'm talking to go ahead and say "Sure we care." Ha. Stock answer people. I can't think of one person that I would call if shit went down. Sure, there are the people I talk to about my stupid actions or the people who seem to be entertained by the sordid details of my life. But these relationships are by no means deep. The one person I felt I had some kind of deeper connection with has just kind of fallen out of my life. Sad thing is I don't seem to care too much at this point. Back a few years, I had decided to eliminate all the people in my life that caused me stress because it was just getting ridiculous. It didn't exactly go as planned, but even so, not many people remain. I barely ever talk to anyone from the first 17 years of my life. Those that I do (who aren't related to me at least) I usually just talk to out of some feeling of obligation. I feel no real connection to them. None of them had made any real impact on my life and I'm sure I've made no difference in theirs. My complete lack of empathy and any kind of social graces has made me a very bitter and anti-social person. I'm well aware that there are a lot of people out there whose lives suck more then mine. I'm not looking for sympathy. That would just be fake anyway.
Sigh. Self psychoanalysis can be boring. Once again, I'll just blame it on my parents. They moved to Wisconsin for some reason and chose to stay there. Why? Wisconsin sucks people. Yet, it's my own fault for not getting out after high school. I could have gone to a different college. Still, I anticipate leaving some day soon so therefore I see no point in making any kind of lasting friendships while I'm still here. No one likes me anyway. I'm sarcastic and insulting to everyone. I'm snobby and uptight. I'm better than everyone. I'm a bitch. Yup. Wear it with pride ladies! Lately, guys also have had the tendency to inform me that I'm a lesbian. Now, it may just be my bad short-term memory, but I don't recall eating any pussy lately...Here's a tip boys: just because I won't get naked and ride you like a pony doesn't make me a lesbian. It makes me have some class. Ugh.
Ok, enough. I need to sleep eventually and sitting here in front of the computer, blabbing on this webpage isn't going to help with that at all. It'll just raise my blood pressure.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Yikes a rama! This is finals week people! I've already taken two of my exams and I have a third one tonight. Wahoo! It'll be great fun. But right now, I'm totally busy so I can't write anything substantial. :-)