May 2003

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Actually, that's a lie. It's 12:36, so it's really June 1st. But I'm lazy and didn't want to go and start the new page right now. Sigh. Once again, I should be sleeping. But what can you do? Insomnia is a strange thing. I have to move on Friday. Should be tons of fun. Not. Not really looking forward to it much, but I guess it gets me closer to leaving for France. Yay. Not that I'm at all prepared. I still don't know how I'm going to be getting to the airport. And I don't have any luggage. But I have my plane ticket, my living arrangements and my passport so it's all good. LoL.
I did ok this past semester. I seem to have gotten in a rut though. I just suck during Fall semester and can not seem to get on the Dean's List. Yet Spring poses no problem for that. Weird. Interim is over this next Friday. Three years down, 1 1/2 or 2 more to go. Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
I went out to Park Central and Route 66 in Appleton last night. Doing that just reminded me of why I never go out. I've distanced myself so much from my peer group that it's just impossible to try and fit in with them anymore. Loud music, a smoky atmosphere and people lamely attempting to call swaying and gyrating back and forth dancing is not really for me. This is why I spend a lot of time alone in my room. Last night, not only did I feel like an imposter, but the whole experience wasn't too good for my self esteem. I in no way believe myself to be a knockout. Even attractive is too much. But I didn't think I was hideous. Yet, not one person attempted to approach me in any way all night long. That's just depressing. I guess once you remove the "I'm easy, come and get it" badge from your shirt, all men lose interest.
You know that part in The Wedding Singer where Julia says she's doomed to wander the earth alone forever. Well, that's gonna be me folks. Just as any girl does, I used to dream about my great future. Happy life, husband, the requisite 2.3 children and all. Then elementary, middle and finally high school taunts, teasing and torture shattered all those hopes. Children can be cruel. The fact that I have no real friends and I've only dated one person doesn't really help much either. I just seem to be someone that people can forget about really easily. I often say that I realize that no one really cares. Then people I'm talking to go ahead and say "Sure we care." Ha. Stock answer people. I can't think of one person that I would call if shit went down. Sure, there are the people I talk to about my stupid actions or the people who seem to be entertained by the sordid details of my life. But these relationships are by no means deep. The one person I felt I had some kind of deeper connection with has just kind of fallen out of my life. Sad thing is I don't seem to care too much at this point. Back a few years, I had decided to eliminate all the people in my life that caused me stress because it was just getting ridiculous. It didn't exactly go as planned, but even so, not many people remain. I barely ever talk to anyone from the first 17 years of my life. Those that I do (who aren't related to me at least) I usually just talk to out of some feeling of obligation. I feel no real connection to them. None of them had made any real impact on my life and I'm sure I've made no difference in theirs. My complete lack of empathy and any kind of social graces has made me a very bitter and anti-social person. I'm well aware that there are a lot of people out there whose lives suck more then mine. I'm not looking for sympathy. That would just be fake anyway.
Sigh. Self psychoanalysis can be boring. Once again, I'll just blame it on my parents. They moved to Wisconsin for some reason and chose to stay there. Why? Wisconsin sucks people. Yet, it's my own fault for not getting out after high school. I could have gone to a different college. Still, I anticipate leaving some day soon so therefore I see no point in making any kind of lasting friendships while I'm still here. No one likes me anyway. I'm sarcastic and insulting to everyone. I'm snobby and uptight. I'm better than everyone. I'm a bitch. Yup. Wear it with pride ladies! Lately, guys also have had the tendency to inform me that I'm a lesbian. Now, it may just be my bad short-term memory, but I don't recall eating any pussy lately...Here's a tip boys: just because I won't get naked and ride you like a pony doesn't make me a lesbian. It makes me have some class. Ugh.
Ok, enough. I need to sleep eventually and sitting here in front of the computer, blabbing on this webpage isn't going to help with that at all. It'll just raise my blood pressure.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Yikes a rama! This is finals week people! I've already taken two of my exams and I have a third one tonight. Wahoo! It'll be great fun. But right now, I'm totally busy so I can't write anything substantial. :-)

April 2003

Tuesday, April 29, 2003:

Argh. I want the semester to be over. I want my college education to be complete. I want to be able to retire already and just sit and lounge. That would be so nice. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen any time in the near future. Grrr. I've had a few depressing days all in a row so I'm not feeling too great about myself right now. All these guys I chat with online tell me I'm hot. You don't think I can see right through your ploy to try and get me in bed? Sad boys...so sad. I've been up and down THAT block. I'm the master of being used. And that's a bad thing.
I'm well aware that there are plenty of girls out there that are better looking then me. Granted, most the guys I chat with would never have a chance in hell of getting anywhere with them. So, it's Martha who is hot now...because she might be desperate enough to give in to you. Not. Dream on. There are a lot of reasons why I won't be screwing half the population of the Fox Valley. One happens to be self-respect. Why don't you go and find some of that?
I've been having weird cravings lately. I can't seem to get enough pickles either. I've gone through 2 big-ass jars of those whole dill ones in about a week. AAAAHHHHH. My room permanently smells like pickles because I spilt some of the juice on my carpet. Kinda nasty sometimes. Makes ya wonder.
Or not.
I don't care.
Ever notice that sometimes, the harder you try to get rid of someone, the more they cling? Admittedly, I haven't been in the best mood for quite a while. So maybe they don't notice me being bitchy. In any case, it's really annoying. I don't want to come out and say "You're a loser and you bore me to death. Go away please." That's mean. A little harsher then I'd want to be. Even if it's the complete and udder truth. Sometimes things need to be sugar-coated. Like M&Ms. Yum...chocolate. Damn you hormones!!!

Monday, April 21, 2003:

Argh and a half. The semester is over in four weeks. Woo! I make my final payment for France on Wednesday. Yay! Everything's going so well!.
Ok. Enough exclamation points. I was starting to scare myself. I got myself a digital camera on Friday. Although now I'll have no excuse for not having recent pictures. I may have shot myself in the foot with that one. :-) I plan to use it while in France and have updated pics of my time there on this website. If things go as planned that is. I'm hoping they'll have some kind of software there (although I'll take my CD-rom with me in case they'll let me install it there.) It'll be so cool. Kind of like a live, up-to-date trip album. :-) It will be like you're all there with me. LoL. Unless I find something (or someONE har har) better to do than upload pictures. Although if I don't get memory cards, I'll have to unload at sometime.
Yawn. So tired. Our general ledger system at work has been down for almost a week now. I'd really rather sleep in tomorrow and work on my papers, but I suppose I'll get up and drive to Appleton and do busy work for a few more hours. Sigh. It's kind of annoying, but it really shows you how much we depend on computers and technology of that sort. Same thing happened when the power went out. There's not much to do without the computer and network.
I think I may have done something stupid. And for those of you who just said "So what else is new?" this is something more stupid then usual. I'll keep you posted on the status of my stupidity (that is, whether what I think may have happened actually does.) Life is always boring but never dull.

Monday, April 14, 2003:

No time for hate mail, yet you had time to send a worthless e-mail that basically said nothing? Hrmmm. Interesting. And with that, I will get on to more important things.
We're at 24 days and counting. Woo! This semester has flown by. It's great. Soon July will come and I'll so be outta here! It's going to be soooo hard to come back here after being in France for 5 weeks. It will be traumatic. Which is why I'm taking a week off of work after I get back. Jet lag and all. I'm sure I won't want to adjust...it was bad enough 5 years ago. This time it will be much worse since my opinions of the United States and all it seems to stand for these days have just gotten worse in that time. Sigh. I still think I should just accidentally lose my passport and hide out in France for the rest of my life.
Well I have an exam to take so this entry has to be short. Y'all could wish me luck, but I don't really need it. ;-P How's that for being stuck up?

Thursday, April 10, 2003:

Well, now that the month is almost half over, I've finally gotten around to moving March to the archives and getting April in gear. Argh. The semester is over in about 5 weeks. That's frightening. Mind you, this is because I have too much shit to do in those 5 weeks, not because it's scary that classes will be over soon. Presentations, papers, exams. The fun never ends. Once again though, I must say that compared to last semester, this semester has been a breeze. This is true for a few different reasons...I'll never forget. It's always in my mind no matter what I'm doing. It's annoying. But I suppose it's a good thing. Add it to my list of psychoses that I have.
I've finally become annoyed with all the junk mail that's being sent to my e-mail account under my father's name. I have no clue why, but I keep getting all these "Alan, Finance your mortgage at the lowest rate ever" and "Lower your debt, Alan" e-mails. I'm not sure if at one time he used my e-mail address for something (I can't imagine why he would have) or what happened there. It's just annoying as hell.
I think I may have finally gotten over my "perpetually pissed off for a month" kick. That was kinda horrible. I (half-heartedly) apologize to anyone I might have offended while I was in my crabby state. This past weekend helped me mellow out. Had the whole weekend off, went out Saturday for a friend's 21st. It was all good. I still didn't sleep enough though. Damn the late night sitcoms!
Now that I'm no longer crabby, I think now I'm overly paranoid. I always feel that someone is watching me or judging me. I also have this weird feeling about some people I talk to online. Hmmm. Maybe it's just my normal paranoia, or maybe not. Usually I always think everyone is staring at me. Not out of vanity. Trust me, I'm not vain. I have severe self-esteem and self-image issues too. I just always think that people in cars driving down the road are staring at me if I'm walking on the sidewalk there. I've got some documented cases where I swear the driver's head turned all the way around as their car passed me. I WASN'T JUST IMAGINING IT! I SWEAR! I just don't really trust anyone right now. I get the feeling someone is playing me. I don't even know why. Let's hope the female intuition is way off here.
And just to piss him off, I will refuse to say anything at all about what happened with David on this website. We'll see if he is continuing to read this...send me some nasty hate mail or an e-mail bomb if you are...

March 2003

Monday, March 31, 2003:

I'd write something, but I've been so crabby and pissed off that I'd probably better just not write anything. I've had the knack for ticking people off lately.

Thursday, March 27, 2003:

Men. I tell ya. Politicians wonder why people don't respect them. Ok...maybe this would explain it:
Here at UWO, the student is governed by OSA - the Oshkosh Student Association. It's bicameral and all that good shit. Last year, I had the pleasure (ha) of getting messed up with one of the senators. It was not cool. Well, it started out being cool but just turned weird. I still thought it was cool that I could say I'd "slept with a senator." Tee hee.
But then last night, I further lost my faith in government. I met a guy online again. Agreed to meet him. I could sware I knew him, but it wasn't until I saw him that I realized he was also an OSA senator. Now, it's not really my objective to fuck all the senators, but it doesn't appear that that would be too much a challenge. Are they really that desperate? I just think that's pathetic! This is not to mention that the OSA PRESIDENT! got cited for disorderly conduct. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WAY TO SET AN EXAMPLE BOYS.
And we wonder why democracy doesn't work. If the "leaders" could keep their dicks in their pants and the alcohol out of their body, maybe this country would stand a chance.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003:

Well, I accomplished absolutely nothing during spring break. That figures. Wouldn't want to use my time wisely or anything. So now I get to haul ass to get things done. Too many papers and exams coming up too soon. Argh. Yet I still insist on wasting my time watching the Oscars and Miss USA. Sigh. I'm an idiot.
And you'd better not have just agreed with that last statement. Only Martha can dis Martha. Grrrrr.
Other than my total lack of motivation, not much has happened. I got bills up the wazoo for France and all that jazz. It's so much fun. I also got the news that apparently Oshkosh doesn't value me enough to give me some money to keep me here. The bastards. I get invited to be in the freakin' business honors society but I'm not good enough for scholarship money. What a crock.
Well, I await the next time that I spend time with a certain friend. This time it will involve whipped cream, handcuffs and a blindfold...Call me when you have time for me :-) I still don't understand why guys constantly blow me off for other things. I don't get it. I'm not that scary, am I? What upstanding male (no pun intended) would rather do practically anything than have sex? That's just not right. Where are all the guys without priorities? ARGH!
Sigh...Men...

Thursday, March 20, 2003:

Dammit. Spring Break is almost over and I've accomplished absolutely nothing. That really sucks. So much for using my time wisely...I haven't even slept a lot either. It was sooooo hard to get up and come to work this morning. My alarm went of at 6 and I was like, "Noooooo!" and then I looked out the window and saw the fog. Argh. This weather sucks. Around 10 there was this huge thunderstorm burst. When it rains here, it's freakin' loud. The roof must be metal or something. Plus, all the walls are windows, so it's like being inside a huge carwash. I have this fear of carwashes, so this is not a particularly good thing. Thank goodness my cube doesn't have a window. (I'm a lowly intern - I do not merit such prestige...)
Tomorrow is my other day with nothing to do. I'd better get moving and do some research for my papers. Otherwise bad things will happen later on. Not that they won't anyways...We all know I'm going to sit in bed all day tomorrow watching talk shows and eating Cadbury eggs. I just have to say this - the only good thing about Easter are the Cadbury eggs. I'm an addict. Especially the caramel ones. Yum...They're kind of pricy - around 40 cents a piece, but they're worth it. That and those Reeses peanut butter eggs. I have this weakness for chocolate sometimes. Heh.
I had an interesting week so far...especially yesterday. I'm still not quite sure what that was all about. But it was fun, so I'm just gonna go with it. I spent about 4 hours with my previously estranged friend...sigh. Needless to say, it was lots of fun but I could have had some more. :-) Since then I've been discovering lots of little bruises all over my body. SWEET! You know you've been doing something right (or at least something fun) when you find bruises in weird places. Tee hee. Oh gosh. I should get back to work before my mind goes south and I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh. I think it's too late...

Sunday, March 16, 2003:

Spring Break is here. Yay. Can you feel the excitement radiating from my website? Yeah...Spring Break for me doesn't mean beaches and suntans and anything like that. It means work and writing papers. My life blows. Although I plan to be sleeping a lot in this next week. I'm not working any more than any other week (that is, no extra hours just because I don't have classes) so I will have a lot of free time. :-) Although they say an idle mind is the devil's playground...I guess I should clear out so he can move on in. Tee hee. I'm pretty sure he's already somewhat of a regular there though. Some of my thoughts are so evil...So dirty...They have to have some source...I can't be coming up with them all by myself. No one is that hormonal...I hope.
Speaking of being hormonal, I fully intend to start my new page concerning all the funny, disturbing and just plain interesting experiences I've had in the world of interaction between genders. Mind you, names will not be used and it won't necessarily just be a sex diary. For being such a young thing, I have a lot of weird stories to tell and I think it will be educational for everyone to hear them. Plus I think people enjoy my stories. I'm a fascinating person. :-)
Well, leaving y'all with that cliff-hanger. Check back in a bit to read my expose on my sex life. Yeah...Woo!

Thursday, March 13, 2003:

WOO!
Alrighty. Now that I got that out of the way... Sometimes I wonder if I was dropped on my head as a baby. I mean more than the times I've already been told about. (lol) Sometimes the things I do just don't make any sense. There's no explanation. It just freaks me out. I'm an insanely logical person. Practically a Vulcan. So when even I can't explain why I did something, it's a reason for concern. Lately life has been throwing lots of curveballs at me and I don't know whether I've been making the right "snap decisions." Not that there's much I can do about it at this point. Still, food for thought. Speaking of food. I'm hungry.
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic. Tomorrow will be the 4th weekend in a row that I'll be going out drinking. And I usually end up drinking enough to safely say that I'm trashed. This is particularly disturbing because I'm almost always driving...oops, my bad. It's just really difficult when no one else has a car or gas in their car. Hopefully tomorrow I can get someone else to drive. The one really great thing about being a female alcoholic is that it's not expensive. I can go out and not spend a dime and still get completely plastered. I suppose it is slightly shameless to sweet talk old, lonely, drunk men in order for them to buy you a drink. But if they didn't want to be scammed, they shouldn't go to the bars. ;-) I'm having way too much fun misusing my feminine charm. Tee hee. I love it!

Tuesday, March 11, 2003:

I think I got a papercut on my tongue...Cuz it hurts...a lot...dammit. I hate that. I'm so tired. So very tired. Even though I went to bed at 9 on Sunday night and last night I was out by 10:30, I'm still VERY tired. Grrrr. That sucks because right now I really need a lot of motivation to get moving. It is definately not the time to slack off. Yawn. But it's just so much easier to come home and lay down. Homework blows. But I gotta do it. I've just been so worn down lately. Emotionally and now physically. Needless to say, this past weekend didn't exactly help alleviate any of that stress I've been having. Fortunately I don't think it made it worse though. Just about the same, although the sources of stress are all different. Sigh. My life - what a drama.

Monday, March 10, 2003:

Ugh. What a mess. I'm not even going to attempt to bring y'all up to speed on what has been happening in the last week. Sigh. My life is a fucking soap opera...but I don't get paid enough to be in it. So it goes I guess. Spring Break is next week and I'm totally looking forward to it. I need a vacation. Granted, this definately won't be a vacation per se, but it'll be close enough. I have no intention of working any more than I normally do, which will give me lots of time to SLEEP!!!!! Sleep is good. I think I'll get to that right now actually. Another thing that's really good is Tylenol PM. I'm their perfect spokesperson. And it's not addictive or anything. Yeah...I can fall asleep without it...

Tuesday, March 4, 2003:

I think it's really sad when you get so tired of someone that you just don't care anymore. They may have been someone who was very important and had become someone special in your life. Unfortunately they either didn't realize this or they just didn't care. Most people are incredibly selfish. They don't realize that other people have problems too. They're not the only ones who have crappy lives. Other people work, go to school and have kids. That's no excuse for treating me like crap. I don't appreciate it and I think I've taken it for far too long as it is. When I express that I need to have a talk and you give me a time in which to do it, I expect you to actually stick to that and show up. This kind of thing is very important to me and if you don't see that, then you're not worth the breath required to talk to you anyway. I deserve a hell of a lot better. I know that I was probably just seen as a few body parts that guys seem to like. But that's not what I saw. If this is all due to a misunderstanding of expections, that just sucks. If I wanted a "friends with benefits" type relationship, I wouldn't have sat there and listened to your bullshit or slept at your house or a lot of other things. If all I wanted was sex, I would have come over, had my way with you and left. It should have been obvious that since I didn't have sex with you every time I was there, that's not what I was after. And although you claim to be my friend, it seems like right now, that was all you were after. And don't give me that bull about how you didn't always get yours and I got mine. That was not my fault. It was generally your idea and you claimed to like it. I refuse to take the blame for any more of your ridiculous complaints. I've had enough. Now I understand why you couldn't stay married. I even understand why one of your exes is now a lesbian. You don't treat the women in your life with much consideration. You may think you're a god because you can get them off. You don't realize that what's important to women is not what happens in the bedroom. It's practically impossible to sleep with someone (and ONLY THAT ONE PERSON) for more than 9 months and not have some kind of emotional attachment to them. That's just the way the human body works. I can't help it if my body dictates what I feel sometimes. I tried so hard not to get too into this because I knew that eventually this would happen. It's happened before. This is why I have such major trust issues. I keep getting sucked into shit like this and it always blows up in my face. I'd like to say that I'm going to give up on guys for awhile. I'm emotionally drained. In the recent past I've had a lot of really mean things said to me. And I'm sure he didn't even notice he was hurting me by saying them. He had a habit of talking out of his ass and I had to try and weed out what he really meant and what he was bullshitting. After a while, it's hard to tell if he really means what he says. It's hard enough for me to trust anyone in the first place. But when I do, it's even worse when I find out they were lying to me. That breaks down the entire concept of trust.
I'm just tired. John, you fucked up, I'm sure you'll never read this, I'm sure you'll never call me or even attempt to get in touch because you just don't care and you don't understand. You had been someone who was very important in my life, but I just can't deal with your bullshit anymore. Woe to the next unsuspecting woman who falls prey to your slick pick up lines. Good bye...

Monday, March 3, 2003:

Hell week has begun. I have 5 exams this week. Yeah, that's right. 5. That really sucks. And I've just lost my motivation. Sigh. How many more weeks are left? I need a vacation. Between classes and the pile of shit my life has become, it's not too fun for me right now. Hopefully things will get better soon. I don't need so much crap all at once. There's only so much one can take. So far I've been pretty lucky because whenever it threatens to overwhelm me, someone has been there to pull me back up. Eventually there won't be someone there though. Just a warning to all of you. Just so there are no surprises when that happens. You have been warned. I know none of you care enough for it to make any difference, but I felt like saying that anyway.

Saturday, March 1, 2003:

Ugh. Too much alcohol! It's kind of nice being older than most my friends because I get to go and celebrate the birthday thing lots of times. But it also means I get trashed too often. Heh. And I'm always the driver. Not cool. But I'm still alive, so it's ok.
Men suck even more, if that's possible. I'm ready to just give up again. One would rather clean his house than hang with me for a bit. The other just "didn't want to" go anywhere. Pfft. Lameasses. Who needs 'em? Of course, then there's the other one who unfortunately had to work last night. Oh, the things I would have done to him if he'd come up here. Oooh! Let me know when you have off, and I'll so be there... :-) I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I really don't think it should be so hard to find a decent guy. I'm not that fat and scary looking. It's completely unfair that I'm doomed to be alone forever. Grrrr.

January-February 2003

Thursday, February 27, 2003:

Sigh. And men wonder why there are so many lesbians out there? It's their fault dammit. If men ever acted towards women the way women do towards each other, the world would be perfect. I think guys are just missing that part of the brain that would make them considerate and observant. It's frustrating and there's no excuse for it. Don't blame genetics or your physiology. It's your own fault you're a dumb ass and keep fucking up. Don't hide behind science.
On a completely different note - We got the house and they start moving in tonight. I won't be moving until May. It's just more convenient to stay on campus until the semester is over. Ok...so I just don't want to have to get up an hour earlier so I can find a parking spot. I'm lazy...We'll be painting for quite a while. The whole house...Not the best thing to be doing in the middle of winter, but if I all of the sudden disappear, you'll know I inhaled too many paint fumes. :-)
I'm seriously broke. Between just paying tuition and my France payment being due soon, I'm not going to have any money for about a year. I'll probably get more debt...Stupid government. You'd think they'd realize they're messing everything up by cutting education funding. That's incredibly stupid of them. Yes, let's improve life and make the world a better place by producing even MORE morons. Yeah...that'll work. Good plan. They say stupid people shouldn't breed. But I don't know who else will be left soon. Probably a lot of foreign people who don't speak English and who haven't figured out the whole "sex gets you pregnant" and "for the love of god, use birth control" deal. (No...that wasn't racist at all...) You'd think "condom" would be an internationally recognized word by now. Sigh. That's my social commentary for the day. Tune in tomorrow for my views on another pressing topic of international politics.

Monday, February 24, 2003:

Why do I go into chat rooms? Yeah, I know I'm bored, but do I really want all the shit that undoubted ensues after a visit to the rooms? Some people just don't get that I'm not interested in them. I'm so far above most the types that hang out in those rooms it's not even funny. I'm not out there looking for a piece and I'm not interested in talking to someone who is.
THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX DAMMIT!
Trust me, at one time I would have thought otherwise. We all do dumb things at some point. But right now, empty sex with strangers just isn't too appealing. So just leave me alone people. I don't want to talk to you.
There are a few people right now who are just ticking me off.
I've come to respect myself enough that I don't feel that I should have to be objectified and sink down to their level. I did not buy a webcam so every lameass guy on the planet could ask if I'd get naked for them. I've been in this crabby, bad mood for about 2 weeks now and there's no end in sight. That sucks.
Thursday, February 20, 2003:Gosh, life is weird. First, on Tuesday I got nominated to be a member of the business Honors Society (Beta Gamma Sigma I think.) That was pretty cool. Then I got asked to do someone's taxes. Hmmmm. They're going to pay me...so that could be cool. Strange...
I just got a humongous paper cut from a stack of paper I was going through. That sucks. It's bleeding and it hurts like hell. Once again, I don't really want to be here. I'm always so tired...Although this time it is my fault. I stayed up until around 1AM, chatting. I don't know why. That was dumb of me. Oh well.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003:

I don't want to be here (at work, that is.) I want to be lazy and sit around all day in my underwear, eating M&Ms and watching talk shows. Grrrrr. I need a vacation. Granted, my life is a lot less stressful this semester than it has been for quite awhile. But I'm still just wanted to lounge around and do nothing for awhile. Life is unfair. I paid my tuition on Friday, so now I have no money. And I have the second payment for France due in about 2 weeks. Fun, fun. I filed my taxes online so that should help, the refund and all. But the FAFSA people insist on making my life miserable with this dependent shit. I have to fill it out by hand since they won't let me be independent while doing it online. The government really overestimates the support that parents give their kids. Or maybe it's just my parents. Either way, that ticks me off. Financial Aid is a pain in the butt. I've filled out applications for the COBA scholarships, but I really don't expect to get any of them. You'd think with my grades and my credentials, SOMEONE would want to help put me through college. But NO! They just want to make Martha work her ass off to go to a shithole school. It's so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I bother...

Sunday, February 16, 2003:

Argh. I drank WAY too much last night. That's for damn sure. I don't even know why. I went to Sheboygan to go to a friend's wedding. I somehow ended up at a different friend's house, drinking it up. Then I ended up going to 3 or 4 bars with yet another friend. Argh. I spent too much money too. Why? Why? Let's make an inventory of what I had last night just for shits and giggles (and FYI - I was the designated driver):
1) Started with an entire bottle (yeah, one of those big ones) of Boone's Farm Strawberry Daiquiri.2) Moved on to a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.3) Had about 1/2 a bottle of Bacardi Silver. Didn't like it much.4) Drank a bottle of Skyy Blue. That was pretty good.4) Moved to some UV vodka and lemonade. Mixed it myself. Not too strong, but strong enough :-) Drank about 1/2 that cup before we left.6) Went to the store to get more alcohol. Yeah, we're a bunch of lushes. 7) Drank a few sips of Mike's Hard Iced Tea. Didn't care for that much either.8) Went to 2 bars then. Got a Captain and coke at both of them.9) Went back to the house. Drank the rest of my UV and another Smirnoff Ice.10) We decided to go to a bowling alley so we 21 yr olds could drink while the others bowled. 11) At the bowling alley I had 2 shots of Tequila Rose (that stuff is GOOD!) and a Sex on the Beach.12) Went back to the house. Dragged my one friend home. Said goodnight to the others and drove back home to Oshkosh.
Now, I never really considered myself that much of a drinker. Granted most of those things are pretty light. 5% flavored beers and all. But I was drinking my friends under the table (excluding one.) That's just wrong. I find it interesting that the people who talk big about drinking all the time tend to be the ones to get trashed the fastest. It's all in your head...I drank all that in about 5 hours and still drove all the way back home. Sigh. My poor liver. Oh yeah! I also had two mudslides at Applebees earlier in the evening.

Thursday, February 13, 2003:

I feel like freakin' Winnie the Pooh with that obnoxious "little black raincloud" hovering over my head. Unlike Pooh, I am not going to launch into a song about it. Dammit I'm crabby. My body hates me, my life leaves quite a bit to be desired and I just want to scream.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Not one of my favorite, let me tell you. I've never ever had someone special on this day. 20 years now. That's extremely depressing. This year I'm not quite sure what's up. I think that on Sunday he made it abundantly clear that this is not a "relationship." I'm not sure what it is then. I suppose one could see it as a "friends with benefits" deal. I think there's more to it than that, but that could just be my emotional girly side talking. I still have plans with him tomorrow night. I've been putting off having that kind of serious discussion for a long time now. I'd really rather not know if he has no feelings for me and no intention of ever developing them. It's not that I want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And it's not that I don't want to be alone. I don't know what it is. I just get too into things on a regular basis and it sucks. Whenever he fucks up and does things that a "girlfriend" would complain it about, it seems like I'm always PMS-ing or something. He's just got really bad timing. Therefore, I either yell and scream and take his head off or I fall apart at the seams and bawl my eyes out. I'm not sure if it's because I feel I should have the same rights and expectations of a girlfriend even though that's not really what I am or if it's just hormones that make me uncontrollable.
Him having kids makes things a lot harder, I'm sure. And our busy schedules just don't work out too well. But it just always seems like I'm trying so much harder than he is. I make time for him but he doesn't seem to reciprocate. He thinks that just because he does certain things for me that makes him a hero and removes some of his responsibilities for other things. Sorry boys - just because you can please a woman in bed doesn't mean that you get to forget about all the other things girls like. That isn't enough. Now, I'd drop everything, including homework (possibly excluding work, because I don't want to be fired) if he wanted to see me and hang out or something. He doesn't do the same for me. If he has the option to stay at home studying or playing Dominoes or see me, he'd choose one of the first two. He's come to my dorm once since September. I think he's picked me up and taken me to a about 3 or 4 times. Every other time it has been me making the effort, driving out to his house. That seems slightly unequal to me. I bring this up every once in a while and you wouldn't believe the excuses he pulls out of his ass. He's got a least 3 for everything I complain about. To bad they're all so fucking lame that I don't believe any of them.
See. I'm crabby. There was one particular day that I remember. I was looking forward to seeing him because it had been awhile and I could use some loving. When he finally calls me that night he says he's tired and is going to study, have a drink and then go to sleep. I'm like, "oh no you're not. I'm coming over." He says he doesn't want me to. He needs to study. Now, we both know perfectly well that he's just going to sit there watching TV. So I complain and bitch etc, etc, etc. Finally I just said, "I'm a horny, premenstrual young woman who needs some of your beef right now." That shut him up. He still didn't want me to come over though. "Tomorrow. I'll rest up tonight so I'm not tired then." Whatever.
OK. This is definately not alleviating the crabbiness. I'd better stop.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003:

Well then. I'm such a cynical person that I always expect the worst and I always anticipate being let down. I never make plans because I know that if I do, they won't work out and I'll be disappointed. I find it absolutely amazing that no matter how little I expect from the people around me, they give me even less than that. I just don't understand it. I'm sure there have to be people in the world who care. They just don't happen to be anywhere near me. I have those who say "I care, really I do. You can talk to me about anything. I'm your buddy, above all." Yeah...ok...There are a few problems with that:
#1. Yeah, I can talk to you, but when I do, you don't listen anyways so what's the point? I'd just be wasting my time and breath.#2. Even if you started out listening to me, you'd get distracted in about 30 seconds and start messing with things around you (your lighter, fingernail clippers that have been next to your bed for ages, etc.)#3. If you managed to remain relatively attentive for more than 30 seconds, you'd begin to interrupt me. When you interrupt, it would be about some seemingly related topic, but would all of the sudden end up somewhere completely different. I don't know exactly why this happens because then we never talk about what I started out with.
Yet you complain that I don't talk to you. I don't really think that it's my fault...
And now you've given me a 10-minute time limit. Sigh.
Every once in a while I falsely believe that things will change and my life will go the way it was supposed to. I have an irrational hope that maybe that thing I know will happen to fuck things up won't really happen. I have had too much damn bad luck already and I think it's very unfair that I seem to get it all and other people don't get any of it. Sure, maybe some of you would say I'm being tested or some shit like that. I don't really appreciate it too much.
I've always presumed I'd end up alone in life. I've never had a lot of friends and I most certainly don't have any kind of tight circle of support. I can count the number of people on the earth that don't annoy me to death using barely more than one hand. The problem with this is that most people don't understand it. I turned 21 a few days ago and when I said "My birthday is Sunday" everyone automatically asks "so where are you going to go? gonna get trashed?"
NO! I WILL NOT CONFORM DAMMIT!
I hate Wisconsin. I'm lactose intolerant, don't eat meat I don't drink beer and I hate the Packers. I'm not too fond of the US most of the time either. My 21st birthday to me didn't mean going out and drinking too much. I, for one, don't really like barfing my guts out. I'm not into the bar scene and I will probably rarely go to them.
I hate stupid people and unfortunately most of y'all here in WI, the midwest and the US are imbeciles. I'm tired of 1) having to fall to your level in order to have a conversation that you understand and 2) trying to bring you up to my level, which never works. I've been made fun of all my life for one thing or another. I've never fit it. My last attempt to do that was last year. I ended up making a lot of bad decisions and just hating who I turned into. So I stopped trying and once again said "fuck the world."
I don't care what you think of me and yes, I am better than you. If you don't like me, oh well. I'm not out to make friends. I've found that 99.99999% of the people here are false and two-faced. I hate stupid people, but I hate fakes even more. I say what I mean. I don't lie or exaggerate. And I don't appreciate when other people do.
I'm just in a really bad mood. I think I'll stop now.

Sunday, February 9, 2003:

Well, here it is. My 21st birthday. Not much has happened of much importance thus far. I spent last night watching TV. I had a little vodka but that's about it. Stayed home. No bars. Got a little loving and then came home this morning and watched Spongebob. Took a nap, got up and showered and now here I am.
I've got no plans for anything tonight yet. I hope to get out to Applebees and have a mudslide the way it was intended to be. Yummay! I'm also hoping that a friend or two will take me out somewhere. That'd be fun.
But I absolutely WILL NOT do any homework today...
None
Maybe I'll have more interesting things to write later, but I warned y'all that this would be an anti-climax...
Thursday, February 6, 2003:Argh. Time drags. Just wait until after Sunday. Then whenever the time seems to be dragging, I'll go out and buy some booze and then time will FLY baby! Yeah!
Just kidding. I have no plans of becoming an alcoholic. No one ever plans to do that...:-)
I've been sitting around for most of the morning messing with MS Access files. No one here seems to know very much about Access and since I'm here to learn (scoff) I am always elected as the one who gets to putz with it and try to figure something out. I've learned a lot about Access through trial and error, but that doesn't make it less annoying. The people who created the reports and queries no longer work here, so I have to figure out how they set everything up before I can modify it. This has become a problem because there are a lot of queries that had the year 2002 hard coded as a critera. Now we have to go back and change all of them to reference 2003. What a pain.
But I get paid for accomplishing very little, so I guess it's ok.

Tuesday, February 4, 2003:

Yawn. I need more sleep. I keep zoning out. This is not good considering I've only been here for about an hour and a half. I've got a long way to go before the day is over. Argh. Work is overrated. Who wants to do this day in and day out for 40 some years. That's just insane. I'm thinking I'm ok with being a subservient female. Equality is also overrated. I'd rather sit at home all day baking and cleaning than work all the time. Maybe I've been warped.
The semester has gone pretty well so far. That's not saying much, having had only one day of classes...but I want to be all optimistic and happy for at least a little bit. I have my last class tonight - a night class. That should be loads of fun...not...

Monday, February 3, 2003:

Well, the semester has begun. Woo! I've gone through 2 classes thus far and I have one more today and one tomorrow evening. Damn, I hate night classes. But that was the only way to get in the hours at work that I need. It was sooooo nice to sleep in until 7:30 this morning. I'm so used to being at work at that time. This semester should be a lot more relaxing than last semester. I scheduled a bit more "me" time. That may change after my SSS meeting next week - we'll see if they need French tutors this semester or not. 3 business classes and 2 French classes should keep me busy.
This doesn't mean I won't be tired all the time still. I just can't seem to sleep very well. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
My birthday is in less than a week now. That is relatively exciting, but the cynic in me still expects a complete anti-climax. I always expect to be disappointed no matter what. Unfortunately, that usually happens so for now my attitude is not going to change. I dare y'all to turn me into a optimistic person. :-)

Friday, January 31, 2003:

Is it just me, or does life sometimes make y'all homicidal? I hope it's just not me because that would mean I have more problems than I originally thought. Trust me, I've identified far too many as it is. I don't really need any more.
It's snowed last night again. A lot. My car was buried under what seemed like a foot of snow. I had to brush it all off at 7AM. That sucked. And I have no boots so my feet got soaked. That sucked too. Then I had to drive to Appleton. Ugh. 41 just sucks. And people can't drive. It took too damn long to get there, but at least I didn't end up in a ditch like a few other cars I saw along the way. Hey John, make this one your excuse for not hanging with me tonight - there's snow outside. :P
I should really quit handing these excuses to him. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of making some up himself...Speaking of...
I love Dilbert.

Thursday, January 30, 2003:

Sigh. Life is never boring. Ok, maybe sometimes it is. But then all of the sudden a lot of different stuff happens and life just gets weird. I think that just happened to me. First of all, I finally got that friend to come to my dorm room. As luck would have it, after being practically deserted for the last few days, everyone kind of climbed out of the woodwork right before he showed up. That wasn't cool. But at least he still came over and actually came inside this time. (Yeah, there's a double meaning to that one...) I was happy. Very happy.
Then there's this other issue that was just brought to my attention yesterday. I suppose if I had been functioning on a normal amount of sleep, maybe I would have picked up on it on Friday. So, that friend from high school came to visit Friday, right? Apparently he kind of has an interest in me. We talked for quite a while yesterday. It always seems that things in my life have really bad timing. Now, I had a big thing for him in high school...and he knew it. But he was into some other girl and they were dating as we graduated. But things didn't work out for them. Now I'm not sure what I think or what I want to do. I've gotten so comfortable with being whatever it is I am with my other guy that I don't know...I feel like I'm 16 again...
Although boys avoided me like the plague when I was 16. Maybe it was because I was ugly...I dunno...
Now I have too many boys. Well, at least I have in the past. Right now I have just one and that's all I need. I'm so relationshiply healthy!
or not...
Sigh
Maybe eventually I will actually go and find my white boy between the ages 21 and 25...
Never having been in any kind of "real" or "long-term" relationship, I still know I dread the day that my guy decides he's moving on. It will just suck to have to get to know someone else and go through all the stupid crap of getting to know the person and what they like and all. It's so nice to be comfortable with someone and just know what they want and all that.
Whoa. That was deep. I think I've done enough pondering on that subject for now.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003:

I hate snow. Stupid NBC 26 weather people don't know what they're talking about. Dusting my ass...
And then there's that whole State of the Union deal. Yes, I watched it. Yes, I actually listened to parts of it. It just depressed me. All I can say is "typical Republican." See people, this is what happens when they get all the control. Just wait - I'm sure there's more to come...woo hoo! (Sorry Justin, I had to bash them here a little.)
I watched American Idol again last night. It's kind of boring, but there's not much else on Tuesday to watch anyways. And boy, some of those people SUCK! I've been blessed with talent and that's cool, but a few of those contestants should have saved their time and money and invested in a clue. Yikes. I absolutely LOVED the little boy who came in with a rendition of "Let's get it on." That was adorable. I was completely cracked up by the guy who did Madonna's Like a Virgin. Scary...
I could win it. I could be the next American Idol. If I gave a shit that is...
But I don't. Cheap thrills do it for me...
I've been thinking lately. Not that I don't think on a regular basis or anything. I've just had a little more time lately to think. Vacation from K-Mart and all that. This is my last day of that though. Seriously people, I've been going to bed at 10 since Saturday. It's nice to wake up and not feel completely crappy. But remember those sleeping pills? I think they give me a headache. It sucks. Not the best feeling when you're trying to fall asleep. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah...thinking...
I'm hungry. I've been craving Pizza Hut for about a week now. But either I have no time or no motivation. And the weather has been annoying. Someday...

Tuesday, January 28, 2003:

Aaah. Don'tcha just LOVE Wisconsin people! Yesterday morning it was -2 with a windchill of about -17 or so. This morning it's freakin' 22. What is that? No wonder everyone is always sick! No one's body can adapt to that kind of messed up climate. Trust me. I've lived here all my life and I'm still not used to it. Although I do believe my immune system is pretty good because of it. It takes a lot to get me sick enough to knock me out of commission. That might also be because I refuse to see a doctor unless I'm practically dying and I get up and go to work even if I'm "sick." Damn this work ethic. (Although realistically I doubt it's a work ethic that drives me to insanity. I think it's this obsessive preoccupation with money. If I stay home from work, that means I'm losing some major cash. That doesn't fly...)
I've figured it out. I figured this out a long time ago. I have frequent self-analysis sessions. Who needs a psychiatrist when I can figure out my problems myself? Inevitably, I've found that every problem in my life can be traced back to my parents. Usually my father. Everything that has gone wrong in my life is probably his fault. Right up there on the list is my obsession with money and the need to control. My father had no control whatsoever of whatever money he supposedly had. I grew up in a house where, on more than one occasion, we had no toilet paper so either I, the 13 year-old, had to find some money somewhere and buy a roll or I had to be creative. Now, it's hard enough being a 13-year-old girl living with her father in the first place. That was some added stress that I really didn't need.
Et, Voila! This is one of the reasons I'm the wonderful, psychotic, nervous, obsessive-compulsive woman I've turned out to be. It's also good logic as to why I decided to major in accounting. Corporate Finance at that. So much money flowing in and out. It's fascinating. It also explains why I work way too much and never go anywhere. It's this obsession with money. No matter how much I have whether it be in my checking account or somewhere else, I'm constantly deathly afraid that something will happen and it will suddenly all be gone and I'll be fucked. Yes. That's right. In such an economically messed up country in such a materialistic age, if you ain't got the cash, you won't get anywhere.
But that's just my opinion.

Monday, January 27, 2003:

Yikes. Only 13 days until my birthday. That's just awesome. And it looks as if I'll actually be having some fun on that day right now. We'll see how that goes.
This weekend was weird. On Friday I anticipated being kicked out of my dorm because of this sheet I found in my mailbox. But at the last minute - I mean last minute - I was packed and about to walk out the door, I discovered I didn't have to leave. I was so happy. I had a friend from high school come up and visit with me for awhile so that was fun. It's good to keep in touch.
Considering I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep Thursday night (I was over at a friend's apartment until 1:30 AM...playing SCRABBLE...how lame...I'm such a loser...I bet no one else ever does that...But I kicked ASS!) I was soooooo tired Friday night. I feel kind of bad. I probably wasn't very good company. Oh well. He should be honored just to be in my presence...LoL. I slept pretty well Friday. Was asleep by 11 and woke up at 11 on Saturday. Sweet.
Then it was work, work, work. Last night I halfheartedly flipped between the Superbowl and the History Channel. They were running a "Sex in the 20th Century" marathon. Yeah baby! It's all for educational purposes, right?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003:

Time is just flying! Yay! The last couple nights, I've actually gotten a fair amount of sleep. Yeah, I went out and got some sleeping pills. They kind of help. And they claim that they're not habit-forming. Which is good. I don't want to become addicted to any other drugs. :-) I was never one to be a fan of medication. My mother helped teach me that I should just let me body take care of itself and then I'd be a healthier person overall. And it's true. I am a generally healthy person with a beefed up immune system. I've not had the flu, bronchitis, earaches or anything of the sort for a long time. Just a sniffle here and there. Which is excellent since I abhor (not just hate, but abhor) doctors and I have no insurance. Don't even get me started on the medical/health care industry.
The one thing I can't seem to get rid of are my monster headaches. Every once in a while my body rebells and I am attacked by sinus pressure and a migrane. I have the feeling that my body is now immune to Aleve because it doesn't seem to do much anymore. I'm also afraid I may have built up a tolerance to Tylenol PM because the dosage is 2 geltabs and I have to take about 6 in order for anything to happen. It's not that I like popping pills and altering my body. But sometimes that's the only way out.
Anyways, we're not all here to talk about my drug habits. Why are we here? What am I do to with my life? What's the meaning of life? Sigh. I should work now.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003:

Gosh my life is boring. But honestly I'm not sure I want to change it too much. This weekend was interesting. On Friday I was supposed to go out and have fun, but that didn't happen...sigh. So that means I spent all night Friday alone in my room watching TV and building up a stockpile of bitchy comments.
These aforementioned comments came in handy on Saturday afternoon. Somehow I had managed to be schedule for Saturday morning which meant I had the night off. So I called up the person who had abandoned me the previous night and gave him an earful. To no avail, sadly. He's sick and just wanted to go to sleep. Ok. Whatever. So I resigned myself to another lonely night at home. Unfortunately that didn't happen either. Long story, not going to go into it. As a result of these happenings, I got about 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up and go to work Sunday morning. Fun, fun.
Now, this very same person who stood me up Friday, made me unbelievable angry on Saturday and caused me to be tired all day Sunday had promised that he'd take me out somewhere on Sunday evening. Surprisingly, that actually happened. That's about the only thing this weekend that went according to plan. We went to Applebees and he proceeded to glare at everyone around us who was talking, loudly complain about the stupid conversations people have in public and insult the waitresses. Then, when the staff began to sweep and vaccuum the floor around the tables next to us, he launched into a big speech about how they were sweeping bacteria and germs around and it was landing on his food. That part actually kind of made sense...which is really sad because he is kind of a nut.
Anyways.
It was interesting. I know some weird people. At least he tipped the waitress and didn't steal the pen.
Last night he agreed to let me come over and take care of him a little. He really is sick. He was sweating up a storm, huddled under the covers shivering. I felt so bad for him. I just hope I don't catch what he's got. I hate being sick and I've had more than enough crappy days in the recent past. Hmmm. I probably shouldn't have kissed him then. oops. Oh well. :-)

Friday, January 17, 2003:

I am so tired. I'm sitting here at work, falling asleep at my desk. That is obviously not a good thing, but I thank my lucky stars that my job doesn't involve manual labor or sharp objects - I'd be a goner. At least my PC isn't too hazardous.
I found out yesterday at work that apparently I had had 25 hours of vacation for 2002 and I hadn't used any of them. Interesting. So they gave me money for 10 of the hours and I have 3 days off next week. Sweet. And I have 50 hours of vacation during 2003. I'm moving up in the world. :-) Now if only I had time or inclination to actually take vacation and do something interesting. I really could use one. I'm seriously overtired and fried out. But I figure the semester starts in 2 weeks and then things will be back to normal and hopefully I'll be able to sleep.
I don't know what my problem is. After getting 3 hours (maybe) on Wednesday night and working all day Thursday you'd think I'd be exhausted and fall asleep right away. Nope. I get home last night around 10:15 and then I get into bed. But I can't sleep. So I get up, turn on the TV. That doesn't help. So I turn my computer on, do a little searching and such. By the time I actually fell asleep it was probably about 1:00. And I was up again this morning at 6. I haven't been moving very fast today. And I keep nodding off. At least there's nothing horribly important going on here this afternoon. And I'm done in 1/2 hour. Woo!
I wonder what I'll be doing tonight. Hopefully something that doesn't require too much brain power, because my brain is just not functioning. When I get overtired, I babble. I talk. A lot. Mostly about embarassing things that no one wants to know. But I just can't seem to stop myself. It's horrible. So I also hope that whatever is on the docket for tonight doesn't involve strangers or talking too much. My friends are used to my short-circuiting so I don't mind talking their ears off. And maybe I'll sleep tonight. Although if I end up at my friend's house all night tonight, I probably won't. I just have trouble sleeping in certain environments. And his house seems to be one of them. Oh well. Sleep is overrated.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003:

I've decided to start this "diary of my life" on my website just to entertain me and the pathetically low number of people who actually visit this site. Come on people...it's 12:00 AM (so I guess technically the date here should be the 16th) and I have to be up again for work at 6. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Just can't seem to relax enough to fall asleep. It's rough.Big story of the day - I got a new battery for my cell phone. A vibrating one. Sweet. Yeah, and I actually called myself just to feel it. How sad. And for all of you people out there who were worrying, my K-mart is not one that was chosen to be closed, so I still have my job... For the time being... Until the Super Wal-Mart opens across the street next month...sighI guess I should give sleep another shot. I'd count sheep, but being the obsessive-compulsive anal person I am, I'd probably start over-analyzing the sheep and then the wheels in my brain would start turning and all of the sudden I'd be thinking of Lamp Chop and Sherri which would lead me to horrible, repressed childhood memories which would, in turn, cause irreversible psychological damage (that is in addition to what's already been done) and that would just be bad. I think I'll go with the "Wind and Water" meditation CD I got from my sister years ago...although that might just make me have the urge to pee. I can't win. It's tough being such a complicated person...sigh